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R.V.T (Rant Ventilation Thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="aninom" data-source="post: 324178" data-attributes="member: 8513"><p>Thanks katya. There are so many wise veterans here. I can't tell you how fortyfing it is to have this kind of advice and support from an outsider. I mean I know, logically, focusing on my own sanity as opposed to hers is a justified kind of selfishness, but our family has been stuck in this quagmire for so long that the very idea of prioritizing ourselves above her has become almost a strange thought.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe I should make a new thread, but I don't want to hog the forum, and it's mostly just me venting steam anyway. Talked about it again with my mom. I think maybe it's to do with being on this forum and absorbing everything, but I actually suggested that, instead of giving me the money for a difficult child-free apartment, we offer it to the difficult child should the situation come to that. </p><p> </p><p>I would still feel bad about them having to do that, but I think I have figured out what else has been bothering me about the idea. </p><p> </p><p>I simply don't want to have to run away from my own home. No. I mean she has done this before, thrown us out or escalated her behavior to the point where my parents saw no choice but pack up and leave for the time being. This just feels wrong somehow. Summer before last, when she stayed with us briefly, after a week her behavior got so bad and the ensuing rage was so extreme we had to hurry out of the house at 3AM, walk half the distance to the city before finding a cab (no time to grab cell phones), find a hotel. I hadn't seen her very often or that bad for a couple of years, so I'd managed to blank out just how INSANE this siege situation is. The fight was horrifying, yes, but having to run out of your own home just like during the war was even worse.</p><p> </p><p>I just don't, really can't, do that again. If I implicitly tell her that yes, if you just yell and push and shove hard enough, I'll run away and you can do whatever - no, there's some kind of crossable/uncrossable line there. I don't want to feel like I have to live on the other side of the world, literally as is the case, to feel some kind of security, that my home is MY home and I do not live there at her mercy. It just feels wrong to let her cross that limit with me. What about in five years? Ten? When mom and dad aren't around anymore? Realistically speaking, the more times I reward her behavior by just giving up and rolling away from a common space, the harder it will be for both of us to ever consider HER changing behavior or changing space as a behavioral option. That train has sailed for my parents - it is just too deeply embedded in her now, that she can do whatever, truly, because she knows their nerves will give way before hers.</p><p> </p><p>We figure if mom is the one to suggest it, not me, and if she paints it in such a light that it really is better for her to get her own space (again, and I know this is hard to believe - I still can't, sometimes - but she has no, none, ZERO tolerance for being told she is in the wrong, has done something wrong, etc: it's a sure-fire trigger for her). I do think, if I can maintain just the minimum discipline around the house, it might be better for her to stay with me despite everything, just because she has a better chance of not screwing up her job if I make it that bit harder to party all the time, if I remind her to get up on time, etc. (She lived with my parents long after I moved out, and is very fond of me on her good days, so I am still a neutral/unknown quantity enough to have SOME little bit of pull if I go about it just right. I've managed to calm her down before, she once even listened to me when I framed it like "I know parents can be hard, so just take ten deep breaths before you react". She honest to god was easier to deal with for a few days after). </p><p> </p><p>But like you all have said, and like I keep trying to fortify myself with, this really isn't my problem. If she wants to party her way into middleage, go ahead, here's your own place, break your own bones and furniture. Trick is in making her feel it was her own idea in the first place, and not giving it the semblance that this really is about protecting me from her behavior, since her bad behavior is to be forgotten the second she wants you to. If I can just make sure this place never gets to be party central - with the help of regular check-ins from relatives - maybe she'll even feel it liberating. Not sure how good I feel about that, though, since it would essentially mean some part of me is praying for her to want to party it up bad enough she'll move out. And she can't afford to if she's going to pass the remedial exams. BUT nmp. Not My Problem. Not My Problem.</p><p> </p><p>Not My Problem! Excuse me while I go tattoo that in. Maybe she'll see it, confuse me for a biker friend, and turn on the good behavior charm. </p><p> </p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aninom, post: 324178, member: 8513"] Thanks katya. There are so many wise veterans here. I can't tell you how fortyfing it is to have this kind of advice and support from an outsider. I mean I know, logically, focusing on my own sanity as opposed to hers is a justified kind of selfishness, but our family has been stuck in this quagmire for so long that the very idea of prioritizing ourselves above her has become almost a strange thought. Maybe I should make a new thread, but I don't want to hog the forum, and it's mostly just me venting steam anyway. Talked about it again with my mom. I think maybe it's to do with being on this forum and absorbing everything, but I actually suggested that, instead of giving me the money for a difficult child-free apartment, we offer it to the difficult child should the situation come to that. I would still feel bad about them having to do that, but I think I have figured out what else has been bothering me about the idea. I simply don't want to have to run away from my own home. No. I mean she has done this before, thrown us out or escalated her behavior to the point where my parents saw no choice but pack up and leave for the time being. This just feels wrong somehow. Summer before last, when she stayed with us briefly, after a week her behavior got so bad and the ensuing rage was so extreme we had to hurry out of the house at 3AM, walk half the distance to the city before finding a cab (no time to grab cell phones), find a hotel. I hadn't seen her very often or that bad for a couple of years, so I'd managed to blank out just how INSANE this siege situation is. The fight was horrifying, yes, but having to run out of your own home just like during the war was even worse. I just don't, really can't, do that again. If I implicitly tell her that yes, if you just yell and push and shove hard enough, I'll run away and you can do whatever - no, there's some kind of crossable/uncrossable line there. I don't want to feel like I have to live on the other side of the world, literally as is the case, to feel some kind of security, that my home is MY home and I do not live there at her mercy. It just feels wrong to let her cross that limit with me. What about in five years? Ten? When mom and dad aren't around anymore? Realistically speaking, the more times I reward her behavior by just giving up and rolling away from a common space, the harder it will be for both of us to ever consider HER changing behavior or changing space as a behavioral option. That train has sailed for my parents - it is just too deeply embedded in her now, that she can do whatever, truly, because she knows their nerves will give way before hers. We figure if mom is the one to suggest it, not me, and if she paints it in such a light that it really is better for her to get her own space (again, and I know this is hard to believe - I still can't, sometimes - but she has no, none, ZERO tolerance for being told she is in the wrong, has done something wrong, etc: it's a sure-fire trigger for her). I do think, if I can maintain just the minimum discipline around the house, it might be better for her to stay with me despite everything, just because she has a better chance of not screwing up her job if I make it that bit harder to party all the time, if I remind her to get up on time, etc. (She lived with my parents long after I moved out, and is very fond of me on her good days, so I am still a neutral/unknown quantity enough to have SOME little bit of pull if I go about it just right. I've managed to calm her down before, she once even listened to me when I framed it like "I know parents can be hard, so just take ten deep breaths before you react". She honest to god was easier to deal with for a few days after). But like you all have said, and like I keep trying to fortify myself with, this really isn't my problem. If she wants to party her way into middleage, go ahead, here's your own place, break your own bones and furniture. Trick is in making her feel it was her own idea in the first place, and not giving it the semblance that this really is about protecting me from her behavior, since her bad behavior is to be forgotten the second she wants you to. If I can just make sure this place never gets to be party central - with the help of regular check-ins from relatives - maybe she'll even feel it liberating. Not sure how good I feel about that, though, since it would essentially mean some part of me is praying for her to want to party it up bad enough she'll move out. And she can't afford to if she's going to pass the remedial exams. BUT nmp. Not My Problem. Not My Problem. Not My Problem! Excuse me while I go tattoo that in. Maybe she'll see it, confuse me for a biker friend, and turn on the good behavior charm. :raspberry-tounge: [/QUOTE]
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