R.V.T (Rant Ventilation Thread)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by aninom, Nov 27, 2009.

  1. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Background story here:

    So I've decided to choose my sanity over wishful thinking about standing my ground, changing her, etc. When difficult child gets here, I'll have to stay put for 10 days max, then I'm flying out of the country, adios.

    I'm a little worried about what I'll find when I get back, but at the end of the day, it's just things. The apartment used to be really bare, my room especially - when mom insisted I make the room "my own" - I've lived very transiently for most of my life - I literally cried with gratitude. It's been so nice to feel like you have an anchor, someplace to truly call home. It's that kind of feeling that's had me invest a lot in making it very homely. Because it's now way prettier than the main bedroom, I'm guessing difficult child will bulldoze right into it and occupy it, key or no key. I'll be sad to see any of it go if it gets broken, but I have to remind myself it's just things, and none of it was expensive anyway.

    too much information/GROSS WARNING: After the last time difficult child was here, I noticed a weird stain or rather imprint on the door - it looks way too much like a naked sweaty body was pressed against it. YUCK. Took some scrubbing. God, I don't know how I'm gonna feel clean sleeping in that bed again when I get back - yuck, yuck, YUCK.

    Me and mom have "crisis talks" about difficult child every time something new comes up - now it turns out difficult child has make-up exams to take for almost every month in the spring. Her school is in country A, but she wants to party it up with her friends in country B, i.e. my apartment, the country I'm staying for an internship. Through the spring. I mean jesus. Talk about unrealistic! I wish there was SOME way of getting through to her - she's already blown through way too many second chances where education is concerned. She only enrolled in the school she is now because her boyfriend lived there; you can imagine how relieved we were when she stuck with it even post-break up.

    Can't she understand her student loan WILL run out (mom has already had to pay a lot of fees and dues because difficult child forgets - or more like doesn't care - to follow proper procedure with the student loan agency), that if she blows this school as well, bouncing back isn't the same done deal as when she was 10 years younger? Doesn't she get how serious this is? How does she expect to study for the remedial exams if she's partying it up here? How does she expect us to afford flying her back and forth between the countries? WHY, oh WHY, can't she get the internship (her excuse for coming here - doesn't even have one lined up) she needs in the same friggin' country where the school is - but no, her ex called her here, so she's set on going no matter the consequences. The galling thing is, she doesn't even need to do an internship, she can just do an extra year of school: I don't have that luxury.

    GOD. VENT. ARGH. URF. Mom's bending over backwards to just keep her in school - if difficult child can't hold down a job, mom says fine, fine, just focus on school, we'll pay whatever. Can't she understand life isn't about following every single impulse? That if she screws this chance up, we can't be her bouncing mat forever?

    /Rant complete
    /To be continued...
  2. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Oh, and she's just gone on a mini-vacation to a touristy country, with a cruise after that. This is after conning mom for money to fly to my place. Why thank you. I will be thinking of Turist Attraction Country and Party Cruises the next time I have to choose between toilet paper and milk for this week. GNHF.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im just gobsmacked! I just read everything you have written and I simply cannot even imagine it. I was manipulative when I was younger but your sister takes the cake.

    Save yourself because there is no saving her if she doesnt want to be saved.

    Sheesh..and I thought my son was bad. Of course, I would have died laughing at him if he ever asked me to send him on a cruise!
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Janet....I don't know whether to laugh or scream at the thought of Cory on a cruise! lol

    Aninom....What kind of lock do you have on your bedroom door? Around here....we highly recommend deadbolts. Key lock doorknobs are way too easy to break into.
  5. aninom

    aninom New Member

    I know, I know, but if she saw it, or found out it was there when she eventually wanted to get into that room, to her it'd be a provocation. She'd see it, go off into a rage, then start screaming bloody murder. How I'm delusioned by mom into thinking she's a monster, how everybody in this family hates her, how she's going to tell everybody from my aunt to my boss about how badly we are treating her, etc. We've been there before. And it's just not worth its price.

    When she puts it that way it does sound unhospitable: but her part of the equation always remains blank, like she's the well-adjusted person that's stumbled into a coven of evil lunatics. Her fits in these situations always go along the lines of how we are the ones that need mental help, how she is maltreated, etc. It would be funny if it weren't so frightening and demoralizing when she's actually at it. Part of me always leaves these episodes thinking I really am in the wrong and should feel ashamed of myself for overreacting: but then she goes ahead and actually does precisely the thing we tried to take precautions for. And so it goes, round and round.
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    In that case....pack up everything in that room that is yours. And I mean everything. Pack it up and take it to a friend's house for the duration of the time she will be there. YOU have made that room homey for YOU. There is no reason why you should allow your things to be destroyed or......contaminated. (ewww) Doesn't matter nothing in there is expensive...you still used your money for these things and they are yours.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Pack it up before she gets there. Turn it into a bare room. Make SURE you have plastic covers to zip the mattress into so when she is gone you can just wipe it down and take it off, then put clean sheets on it and have a good night's sleep in peace.

    As for the stuff she damages, wy don't YOU ask your mom to replace the stuff? To chip in when you are at the end of the budget. Not for always, but for now. You had enough stress, now you have your mom shipping your gfgsister to help mess up YOUR education? Cause part of sister's MO will be to keep you from getting anything she doesn't have, including your degree and a job. Or she will want $$$ from you to stay away from your work and not cause problems there.

    I am glad you are seeing some options other than letting sis and mom run all overy you.

    Yes. MOM. She is a big part of this. You simply MUST tell her, at some point, that you cannot raise your older sister. Or take care of her.

    in my opinion your sister will land on her feet if mom pulls support away from her. There will be ugliness, sure, bu that is what restraining orders and off buttons are for. You may have to do it first to show your Mom how it is done.

    May hugs,

  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Better yet, put a plastic cover on the bed and CHEAP sheets. Hide the good stuff. When you get back, you can take the plastic off, pitch the cheap sheets if you deem it necessary (or burn them, whichever is more appropriate) and then put your stuff back on.

    When my difficult child moves out (or, as it's looking, is booted out) I don't think I will use any of the mattresses in his room. (Somehow, and I don't want to know how, he's acquired an extra set) He never leaves sheets on his bed and besides the usual teen age boy activity that I'm sure has gone on, his hygiene and laundry habits leave a bit to be desired. I think we're just going to have to get new if I ever want to feel comfortable having any guests sleep on that bed. :sick:
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Oh, and a thought about putting a lock on the door. You said she would go ballistic if she saw a lock on your door. What if you put a lock on ALL the bedroom doors and explained it as a safety/privacy issue for ANYONE who stayed there. Would she buy that?
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    From her behavior, it sounds like she could have bipolar along with some personality disorder. I would have no idea which one, but they are all difficult to deal with unless the person is self-aware and in serious therapy, working hard. And she needs to stop using drugs. This normally does not happen if the parents are willing to put up with both emotional and physical abuse. But in my opinion that doesn't mean YOU have to be part of the problem. Is it essential culturally that you take care of this abusive sister? She defaults on loans, among other dumb things, because she's an emotional mess with poor brain wiring and nobody can fix herself other than her.

    I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I'd do. I'd say "No way, Jose, she is on her own. I can't stop you and Dad from enabling her, but I won't have any part in this. I want to finish school and live my own life in a healthy way. She will get in the way of this and chase away friends, and I don't want to give her that power. I'm sorry if you're angry, but this is not my problem. It's her problem and only she can fix it."

    I was a problem child myself with a personality disorder and, trust me, I never would have gotten better if my family had enabled me that way. And I was never even half as bad as she is. I'm actually grateful that they didn't understand me, made me hit rock bottom, and that I had time to reflect on myself and beg for help, working hard to get it.

    I feel for you, and wish you lots and lots of luck.
  12. aninom

    aninom New Member

    That is a spot-on idea - if she doesn't feel the room covetuous, it won't act as a trigger. I've spent the afternoon uglifying it or rather just stashing away most of the decoration.

    Unfortunately I can't use plastic since it's one of those the-bed-IS-the-mattress deals, but luckily the top part (which is also the bed/mattress) can be lifted like a lid - I'm stashing all my painting materials, good sheets, lamps, clothes etc inside it. Then I'll wrap an ugly jumbo sheet around so the lid handle doesn't peek out.

    I feel you on the getting a new mattress part. Back when difficult child lived with us permanently we had a big account for new mattress coverings - it's like they don't notice their own messes, or simply don't care? I'm guessing whatever chaos is going on in their own heads seep over into their daily life as well. They become immune to it, maybe.

    I'll check in town for some lock possibilities: if her room has one too, you're right in that she'd buy it or at least not lash out. She's tried to (and almost succeded in) punch through a door of similar light-weight material before, so I'd rather it not even become an issue that she can't enter.

    Calm day on the difficult child front. Letting her add me as a friend on facebook is the worst idea I've ever had - now that I know she's planning to come I get a twist in my stomach everytime she writes something to her friends and it pops up on my feed (does this mean she's coming? That she's not? When is she coming? Will she be in a good mood? etc.) Right now it seems 17th is the magic date, but she's told me a different day than what her friends believe (she has this magic ignorance shield in her brain - she just can't believe she would ever NOT get away with a lie, so why bother being careful about it? maybe she's forgotten I have access to her feeds on facebook, who knows).

    I know there's more than 2 weeks to go and I need to stop worrying. But preparation is key to this going well.

    Mom would chip in for me in a heartbeat, I just don't want her to unless it really gets necessary. I think, maybe, some petty part of my brain wants to be as perfect as possible just to put it into contrast for difficult child how disrespectful her own behavior and expectations are. Mostly it's just not an issue, since I work and difficult child doesn't.

    Please don't think I get the short end of the stick from my parents, because that's not true - I just don't need or want financial support from them if I can help it. It doesn't feel good to be an added weight to an already heavy boatload.

    In any case, it's the big, living-room furniture and apartment itself I'm worried about - that stuff isn't as cheap, and for some reason or another difficult child has hated it from day one. I suspect she has a little bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or maybe just needs to control her environment down to the material stuff, any small change we make to this apartment sets her off to varying degrees. Sometimes I think she'd rather have no furniture at all than let us pick it out without her input.

    Oh, and I'm preparing for a poo-storm because I threw away her old and nasty fake nails, empty perfume bottles, etc. Mom always saves all this stuff she scatters around the apartment in a box - when I asked why, she explained difficult child doesn't exactly want it anymore but had still gotten ballistic a couple of times if we "disrespected her property" (i.e. cleaned away old mess). I may be a pathetic roll-over, but I was NOT about to save that stuff. Didn't know she'd be coming here at the time, but there's just no way I'm feeling sorry about doing something perfectly normal. Mom asked me how I could do that - but I don't know how she could hold on to this gross stuff for years.
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Just another thought because of my difficult child. In MY house? That wouldn't work. My difficult child is a snooper of the highest level. I would need a lock on the bed itself for it to be effective.
  14. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Well, it's official. difficult child will be here to stay.

    Shoot me now. At least my stomach ulcer won't get into the Guinness that way.

    I'm inviting the elderly couple that borrowed us money for the apartment, and still kind of co-own it, to come chat on Sunday. The husband has a key, so if he agrees to drop by for coffee at random days and hours, difficult child will hopefully adjust her temper to not-cause-damage levels just in case he shows up (usually she just refuses to open up if we send someone to check what is going on - this way she can't).

    Wasn't sure just how bad her at-home partying was these days. Unfortunately for me a younger relative, who had briefly seen her when she was here last year, broke all illusions on that point. Apparently she had thrown some truly spectacularly ill-judged parties here. I mentioned it to mom, because we need to figure out a way to minimize that if only to save the furniture from total collapse. She already knew - the elderly friend with the key had come to check on the place as he always does when she's been, and found it a complete, utter, total disaster. He is the kind of sweet and polite person that'd never say anything, so it took some tangential conversations for mom to figure out he'd actually had to stay for a whole day just cleaning the place out. difficult child rolled out of town without one look back.

    Oh, and did I mention he is a senior?

    I'd freak out right now if I wasn't so tired from a two-hour strategic convo with my parents on what safeguards to put in place. I do think random check-ins from strangers/older relatives is a good way to go.

    The "job" she got is an unpaid internship at a media thing (HOW DARE YOU CRUSH MY DREAMS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A JOURNALIST. Compare with two weeks ago, when another internship was in question: HOW DARE YOU CRUSH MY DREAMS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH LAW. Compare with this summer, HOW DARE YOU CRUSH MY DREAMS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DIPLOMAT etc etc. And megalomania? Her? Nooo). When asked how she'd have time and afford making it to her remedial exams in a completely different country every month, she said (well, yelled) that the job would give her time off for however long because she was unpaid so what did they care anyway.

    Excellent attitude. This will be a very stable situation for all involved. Go difficult child.
  15. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi, and a belated but warm welcome. I just read the thread in General and am shaking my head. Your sister sounds like a combination of one of my sisters and my difficult child. Very, very scary.

    Now that you know your sister is definitely arriving for a long time, is there any possibility you can move out and just live in your own place? I honestly can't see any other recipe for sanity. You've lived with your sister's abuse all these years and your parents are continuing to enable her. That's their choice, but in that case I would take their offer and get another place. I wouldn't worry about the cost to them. They are putting you in this predicament by enabling your sister. As long as they are willing to let her wreck their possessions and reputation among their future neighbors and pay her to do it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make the situation better. Two-hour convos about safeguards are meaningless. If your parents want people to check in, by all means, but you need peace and quiet to pursue your studies and career and - emphatically - you don't want to be caught up in your sister's parties and drug use and end up the scapegoat. She will do it to you without a qualm, believe me. I've lived with enough personality-disordered people to know that.

    Please protect yourself and stop worrying about your parents' choices. They are adults. You only have one life. You can't rescue your sister, you can only let her make her choices, ditto for your parents, and you make your own choices. After years of trying to hold/patch your family together, at some point you have to take a step back and realize you can only fix yourself. I hope very much that you will consider striking out on your own. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll do, and amazed at how much everything in your family stays exactly the same.

    Best wishes and warm hugs.
  16. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Thanks katya. There are so many wise veterans here. I can't tell you how fortyfing it is to have this kind of advice and support from an outsider. I mean I know, logically, focusing on my own sanity as opposed to hers is a justified kind of selfishness, but our family has been stuck in this quagmire for so long that the very idea of prioritizing ourselves above her has become almost a strange thought.

    Maybe I should make a new thread, but I don't want to hog the forum, and it's mostly just me venting steam anyway. Talked about it again with my mom. I think maybe it's to do with being on this forum and absorbing everything, but I actually suggested that, instead of giving me the money for a difficult child-free apartment, we offer it to the difficult child should the situation come to that.

    I would still feel bad about them having to do that, but I think I have figured out what else has been bothering me about the idea.

    I simply don't want to have to run away from my own home. No. I mean she has done this before, thrown us out or escalated her behavior to the point where my parents saw no choice but pack up and leave for the time being. This just feels wrong somehow. Summer before last, when she stayed with us briefly, after a week her behavior got so bad and the ensuing rage was so extreme we had to hurry out of the house at 3AM, walk half the distance to the city before finding a cab (no time to grab cell phones), find a hotel. I hadn't seen her very often or that bad for a couple of years, so I'd managed to blank out just how INSANE this siege situation is. The fight was horrifying, yes, but having to run out of your own home just like during the war was even worse.

    I just don't, really can't, do that again. If I implicitly tell her that yes, if you just yell and push and shove hard enough, I'll run away and you can do whatever - no, there's some kind of crossable/uncrossable line there. I don't want to feel like I have to live on the other side of the world, literally as is the case, to feel some kind of security, that my home is MY home and I do not live there at her mercy. It just feels wrong to let her cross that limit with me. What about in five years? Ten? When mom and dad aren't around anymore? Realistically speaking, the more times I reward her behavior by just giving up and rolling away from a common space, the harder it will be for both of us to ever consider HER changing behavior or changing space as a behavioral option. That train has sailed for my parents - it is just too deeply embedded in her now, that she can do whatever, truly, because she knows their nerves will give way before hers.

    We figure if mom is the one to suggest it, not me, and if she paints it in such a light that it really is better for her to get her own space (again, and I know this is hard to believe - I still can't, sometimes - but she has no, none, ZERO tolerance for being told she is in the wrong, has done something wrong, etc: it's a sure-fire trigger for her). I do think, if I can maintain just the minimum discipline around the house, it might be better for her to stay with me despite everything, just because she has a better chance of not screwing up her job if I make it that bit harder to party all the time, if I remind her to get up on time, etc. (She lived with my parents long after I moved out, and is very fond of me on her good days, so I am still a neutral/unknown quantity enough to have SOME little bit of pull if I go about it just right. I've managed to calm her down before, she once even listened to me when I framed it like "I know parents can be hard, so just take ten deep breaths before you react". She honest to god was easier to deal with for a few days after).

    But like you all have said, and like I keep trying to fortify myself with, this really isn't my problem. If she wants to party her way into middleage, go ahead, here's your own place, break your own bones and furniture. Trick is in making her feel it was her own idea in the first place, and not giving it the semblance that this really is about protecting me from her behavior, since her bad behavior is to be forgotten the second she wants you to. If I can just make sure this place never gets to be party central - with the help of regular check-ins from relatives - maybe she'll even feel it liberating. Not sure how good I feel about that, though, since it would essentially mean some part of me is praying for her to want to party it up bad enough she'll move out. And she can't afford to if she's going to pass the remedial exams. BUT nmp. Not My Problem. Not My Problem.

    Not My Problem! Excuse me while I go tattoo that in. Maybe she'll see it, confuse me for a biker friend, and turn on the good behavior charm.

  17. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I am really having a hard time understanding why you are allowing her to come stay with you. I have a difficult child dtr who is 21 whom I kicked out of my house at age 18 and will never allow to live with me again.

    I love her dearly but I had to set the boundaries. And you know what? When I quit letting her walk all over me she treated me a whole lot better. We have a good relationship now but she lives on the opposite side of the country from me so that helps. Even when she was in the same town, however, I had to be vigilant in keeping my boundaries intact.

    I don't see any way for this to work--and the sad thing is that her family enabling her is not helping her in any way, only making everything worse. I know with my difficult child the more I helped her the more helpless she became.

    I don't mean to sound harsh, I just really feel frustrated for you!

  18. aninom

    aninom New Member

    You're not the first to ask. I know ideally I would just say no, but the issue is both in that she can let herself in no matter what we say - just telling her "this is not OK, we will not allow it, etc" stopped cutting it long before she turned 18. And I know this is not good, and that we are enabling her, and that boundaries are exactly what is missing. I even suggested it myself, when I first heard she'd definitely be coming here and I felt upset.

    But it is also just not something we could do. In our culture, family is family, no matter what, and it would be near taboo to kick someone out. Of course this is exactly what difficult child is banking on, I understand that, but still - however upset I am, however difficult it will get, I feel deeply obligated to open my door for her. Whether it is feasible after a week, a month, is another issue. On the other hand I KNOW this is a disservice to both her, me, and our parents, that they don't simply say no - and sometimes I wonder if it's as much social norms that are the issue or that they simply feel it's over, nothing can be done, it would be ridiculous to even try and take control over the situation at this point as opposed to just coping and adapting around her behavior.

    They got close, very close, to filing a restraining order once. When the dust had settled after that particular incident (I wasn't there for this one) mom told me about that almost-decision in the same way a poor man would talk about that vacation to Bahamas he almost took yesterday.

    Dad would kick her out. He has before. But he leaves all domestic decisions so to speak to mom, and doesn't interfere unless difficult child's physically right there and physically hurting mom, me, or grandma. He was the one that almost got the restraining order. If she's just yelling or breaking stuff, he'll simply tune out. He used to try: but he's old, has his own issues with depression (from his side of the family we both got the genetic jackpot). When he's "tuning out", I can see his hands shaking uncontrollably, even for hours afterwards. Yes, he can phone her from country C that she can't live in the country B apartment she has a key to, but to what use? And at what cost?

    Please don't think I'm a saint, because I am not, but even if I could convince my parents to theoretically say no to her - ask relatives, friends to enforce the decision even - it would feel unfair: it would in all likelihood be useless; it would cause an enormous episode that I just don't want them to have to go through.

    I hope nobody here has gotten the impression I am a perfect, selfless child that my parents are under any obligation to protect. I am in better physical health than my parents, I'm still young and can withstand a decent amount of chaos, and I know how to take care of myself. I know I'll figure something out if worst comes to worst, if it means paying for a couch somewhere, so be it. It's only 6 months of my life, and I have spent the last five years of that life almost completely free of difficult child's insanity - my parents haven't had that luxury. As you can tell from my sig, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and before it went into hiatus, I wasn't all that easy to deal with either.

    Today I am extremely close to my parents: I consider them friends, they consider me likewise. Add to this picture that, unfortunately, our family had to move from our native country - learning the new language and system much faster than they did, inevitably, the kids in my immigrant generation ended up guiding our parents through a lot of things, teaching them things, taking care of them to a large extent. It's hard to retain completely normal parent/child dynamics under those circumstances. I used to feel disappointed in them for letting difficult child get so out of control, sure, I used to feel bitter about constantly having to do my everybody-calm-down dance, but what use is it now? I know they are good, truly good, people. I know they have tried. I don't feel it's my place to tell them to stop enabling her: they know this is not good, they tell me it is not. What else is there to do but try and make the best of it?

    I don't mean to defend my parents as a knee-jerk response, it's just hard for me to imagine what they could do differently at this point. I know you only mean well, and the worst part is, you are right. I hope I will be better at saying no, and having that no be heard, when she gets here, I will try, I am prepping and peptalking myself for it, and I hope I can get her or me a separate place as soon as possible (assuming no behavioral miracles have happened).

    I can't physically stop her, I know she won't listen to me but rather blow up if I tell her no myself. And I just don't have it in me to try and convince my parents to say no, more than I already have. But I have started to talk to mom about enabling, about how to help difficult child long-term, about how maybe even if firm boundaries haven't helped in the past it doesn't mean they can't help now that she's a little older, if it is done consistently. How they can try disassociating themselves when she starts yelling, etc (I picked that up here :redface:) to make it easier. Not just for me, but for them - it's not right that they have to deal with this several weeks, sometimes months, out of the year whenever she stays at their place.

    I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would make them to have me give them parenting advice on top of everything, however close we are. I just don't know. I wish things were different. I wish this were easy. Maybe I'm also afraid, plain and simple, of everything a "no" and the reaction that would follow would mean. We're not a rhino-armor family: I don't know if it's too late for us to grow some.

    I wish my mom had done what you did. I do think it would have made all the difference. I think my sister has it in her to be so much more, accomplish so much more, live a stable life, and she COULD have gotten there, can get there if she is forced to finally understand the law of action-consequence on her own.

    I really hope that, if nothing else comes out of this, some parent out there in a similar situation will read the whole sorry tale and say that firm no to their own difficult child in time.
  19. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. And I do agree with you--you can't change your parents and it isn't your place to tell them what to do. I just wish you yourself could break free. I wish you the best with the upcoming stay--I hope it is as chaos and drama free as possible. Please know we all are on your side!

  20. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I understand what you mean about cultural taboos and family structure - I come from a culture where 'home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in'; and I married into a different culture but one with the same principle. I wasn't really suggesting that you should try to cut your sister out of the family, nor that you should advise your parents to do so. However, distance and space are great healers. They can make otherwise impossible relationships possible, at least to some extent.

    My thought in suggesting that you find another place was exactly that your sister has a key to the family apartment and, even if she agreed to rent a different place, she would likely show up and cause difficulty with you anyway. And it would be on her schedule, not yours - if you had something important the next day it wouldn't matter to her. If you had a place to which she didn't have a key, the address of which she ideally would not know, you could see her and offer whatever support you like in a neutral setting, on your schedule.

    You can be a supportive family member without making yourself responsible for your sister's obligations - i.e. trying to make sure she doesn't mess up her job, getting her up on time, etc. You don't have to criticize your parents or their parenting methods, and I agree, what's done is done and it would only cause pain to rehash all of it. It is possible to step away and gain some balance, however, without abandoning the people you are related to. In whatever way works for you, small steps in letting your sister own her own actions, and in getting on with the important things in your own life, will be positive for everyone. I have found it true that, once I stopped 'doing' for my difficult child and stopped tolerating yelling, intimidation, and violence, he changed his behavior with me. When a pattern of behavior has been set up, if one partner changes the pattern then the other will make changes too. Someone who has been used to dominating others with violence may become more violent initially, though, in an attempt to regain the upper hand. You should have a plan before changing your pattern of response to her.

    I would urge you to be safe. There is no advantage to accepting violence. That is one place you could mark a line that is not to be crossed. You don't even have to tell her about it; she's thirty, she knows that assault is grounds for arrest. If you are assaulted you should call the police, period. No discussion, and be sure to have the emergency number on speed-dial. It does family integrity no good to tolerate physical abuse. So please, be safe. If calling the police isn't likely to be helpful in your country of residence, make a plan to leave immediately should your sister become violent. Always have an escape route in mind; make sure you can get to the door or another exit at all times.

    If there's any chance of you working with a counselor where you are, I would urge you to consider that too. You have a safe place to vent here, but a person you can sit with face to face is also valuable. He or she might have other perspectives and suggestions to help you. I wish you the best.