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R.V.T (Rant Ventilation Thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="aninom" data-source="post: 324210" data-attributes="member: 8513"><p>You're not the first to ask. I know ideally I would just say no, but the issue is both in that she can let herself in no matter what we say - just telling her "this is not OK, we will not allow it, etc" stopped cutting it long before she turned 18. And I know this is not good, and that we are enabling her, and that boundaries are exactly what is missing. I even suggested it myself, when I first heard she'd definitely be coming here and I felt upset. </p><p> </p><p>But it is also just not something we could do. In our culture, family is family, no matter what, and it would be near taboo to kick someone out. Of course this is exactly what difficult child is banking on, I understand that, but still - however upset I am, however difficult it will get, I feel deeply obligated to open my door for her. Whether it is feasible after a week, a month, is another issue. On the other hand I KNOW this is a disservice to both her, me, and our parents, that they don't simply say no - and sometimes I wonder if it's as much social norms that are the issue or that they simply feel it's over, nothing can be done, it would be ridiculous to even try and take control over the situation at this point as opposed to just coping and adapting around her behavior. </p><p> </p><p>They got close, very close, to filing a restraining order once. When the dust had settled after that particular incident (I wasn't there for this one) mom told me about that almost-decision in the same way a poor man would talk about that vacation to Bahamas he almost took yesterday.</p><p> </p><p>Dad would kick her out. He has before. But he leaves all domestic decisions so to speak to mom, and doesn't interfere unless difficult child's physically right there and physically hurting mom, me, or grandma. He was the one that almost got the restraining order. If she's just yelling or breaking stuff, he'll simply tune out. He used to try: but he's old, has his own issues with depression (from his side of the family we both got the genetic jackpot). When he's "tuning out", I can see his hands shaking uncontrollably, even for hours afterwards. Yes, he can phone her from country C that she can't live in the country B apartment she has a key to, but to what use? And at what cost? </p><p> </p><p>Please don't think I'm a saint, because I am not, but even if I could convince my parents to theoretically say no to her - ask relatives, friends to enforce the decision even - it would feel unfair: it would in all likelihood be useless; it would cause an enormous episode that I just don't want them to have to go through.</p><p> </p><p>I hope nobody here has gotten the impression I am a perfect, selfless child that my parents are under any obligation to protect. I am in better physical health than my parents, I'm still young and can withstand a decent amount of chaos, and I know how to take care of myself. I know I'll figure something out if worst comes to worst, if it means paying for a couch somewhere, so be it. It's only 6 months of my life, and I have spent the last five years of that life almost completely free of difficult child's insanity - my parents haven't had that luxury. As you can tell from my sig, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and before it went into hiatus, I wasn't all that easy to deal with either. </p><p> </p><p>Today I am extremely close to my parents: I consider them friends, they consider me likewise. Add to this picture that, unfortunately, our family had to move from our native country - learning the new language and system much faster than they did, inevitably, the kids in my immigrant generation ended up guiding our parents through a lot of things, teaching them things, taking care of them to a large extent. It's hard to retain completely normal parent/child dynamics under those circumstances. I used to feel disappointed in them for letting difficult child get so out of control, sure, I used to feel bitter about constantly having to do my everybody-calm-down dance, but what use is it now? I know they are good, truly good, people. I know they have tried. I don't feel it's my place to tell them to stop enabling her: they know this is not good, they tell me it is not. What else is there to do but try and make the best of it? </p><p> </p><p>I don't mean to defend my parents as a knee-jerk response, it's just hard for me to imagine what they could do differently at this point. I know you only mean well, and the worst part is, you are right. I hope I will be better at saying no, and having that no be heard, when she gets here, I will try, I am prepping and peptalking myself for it, and I hope I can get her or me a separate place as soon as possible (assuming no behavioral miracles have happened).</p><p> </p><p>I can't physically stop her, I know she won't listen to me but rather blow up if I tell her no myself. And I just don't have it in me to try and convince my parents to say no, more than I already have. But I have started to talk to mom about enabling, about how to help difficult child long-term, about how maybe even if firm boundaries haven't helped in the past it doesn't mean they can't help now that she's a little older, if it is done consistently. How they can try disassociating themselves when she starts yelling, etc (I picked that up here <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" />) to make it easier. Not just for me, but for them - it's not right that they have to deal with this several weeks, sometimes months, out of the year whenever she stays at their place. </p><p> </p><p>I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would make them to have me give them parenting advice on top of everything, however close we are. I just don't know. I wish things were different. I wish this were easy. Maybe I'm also afraid, plain and simple, of everything a "no" and the reaction that would follow would mean. We're not a rhino-armor family: I don't know if it's too late for us to grow some.</p><p> </p><p>I wish my mom had done what you did. I do think it would have made all the difference. I think my sister has it in her to be so much more, accomplish so much more, live a stable life, and she COULD have gotten there, can get there if she is forced to finally understand the law of action-consequence on her own.</p><p> </p><p>I really hope that, if nothing else comes out of this, some parent out there in a similar situation will read the whole sorry tale and say that firm no to their own difficult child in time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aninom, post: 324210, member: 8513"] You're not the first to ask. I know ideally I would just say no, but the issue is both in that she can let herself in no matter what we say - just telling her "this is not OK, we will not allow it, etc" stopped cutting it long before she turned 18. And I know this is not good, and that we are enabling her, and that boundaries are exactly what is missing. I even suggested it myself, when I first heard she'd definitely be coming here and I felt upset. But it is also just not something we could do. In our culture, family is family, no matter what, and it would be near taboo to kick someone out. Of course this is exactly what difficult child is banking on, I understand that, but still - however upset I am, however difficult it will get, I feel deeply obligated to open my door for her. Whether it is feasible after a week, a month, is another issue. On the other hand I KNOW this is a disservice to both her, me, and our parents, that they don't simply say no - and sometimes I wonder if it's as much social norms that are the issue or that they simply feel it's over, nothing can be done, it would be ridiculous to even try and take control over the situation at this point as opposed to just coping and adapting around her behavior. They got close, very close, to filing a restraining order once. When the dust had settled after that particular incident (I wasn't there for this one) mom told me about that almost-decision in the same way a poor man would talk about that vacation to Bahamas he almost took yesterday. Dad would kick her out. He has before. But he leaves all domestic decisions so to speak to mom, and doesn't interfere unless difficult child's physically right there and physically hurting mom, me, or grandma. He was the one that almost got the restraining order. If she's just yelling or breaking stuff, he'll simply tune out. He used to try: but he's old, has his own issues with depression (from his side of the family we both got the genetic jackpot). When he's "tuning out", I can see his hands shaking uncontrollably, even for hours afterwards. Yes, he can phone her from country C that she can't live in the country B apartment she has a key to, but to what use? And at what cost? Please don't think I'm a saint, because I am not, but even if I could convince my parents to theoretically say no to her - ask relatives, friends to enforce the decision even - it would feel unfair: it would in all likelihood be useless; it would cause an enormous episode that I just don't want them to have to go through. I hope nobody here has gotten the impression I am a perfect, selfless child that my parents are under any obligation to protect. I am in better physical health than my parents, I'm still young and can withstand a decent amount of chaos, and I know how to take care of myself. I know I'll figure something out if worst comes to worst, if it means paying for a couch somewhere, so be it. It's only 6 months of my life, and I have spent the last five years of that life almost completely free of difficult child's insanity - my parents haven't had that luxury. As you can tell from my sig, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and before it went into hiatus, I wasn't all that easy to deal with either. Today I am extremely close to my parents: I consider them friends, they consider me likewise. Add to this picture that, unfortunately, our family had to move from our native country - learning the new language and system much faster than they did, inevitably, the kids in my immigrant generation ended up guiding our parents through a lot of things, teaching them things, taking care of them to a large extent. It's hard to retain completely normal parent/child dynamics under those circumstances. I used to feel disappointed in them for letting difficult child get so out of control, sure, I used to feel bitter about constantly having to do my everybody-calm-down dance, but what use is it now? I know they are good, truly good, people. I know they have tried. I don't feel it's my place to tell them to stop enabling her: they know this is not good, they tell me it is not. What else is there to do but try and make the best of it? I don't mean to defend my parents as a knee-jerk response, it's just hard for me to imagine what they could do differently at this point. I know you only mean well, and the worst part is, you are right. I hope I will be better at saying no, and having that no be heard, when she gets here, I will try, I am prepping and peptalking myself for it, and I hope I can get her or me a separate place as soon as possible (assuming no behavioral miracles have happened). I can't physically stop her, I know she won't listen to me but rather blow up if I tell her no myself. And I just don't have it in me to try and convince my parents to say no, more than I already have. But I have started to talk to mom about enabling, about how to help difficult child long-term, about how maybe even if firm boundaries haven't helped in the past it doesn't mean they can't help now that she's a little older, if it is done consistently. How they can try disassociating themselves when she starts yelling, etc (I picked that up here :blushing:) to make it easier. Not just for me, but for them - it's not right that they have to deal with this several weeks, sometimes months, out of the year whenever she stays at their place. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would make them to have me give them parenting advice on top of everything, however close we are. I just don't know. I wish things were different. I wish this were easy. Maybe I'm also afraid, plain and simple, of everything a "no" and the reaction that would follow would mean. We're not a rhino-armor family: I don't know if it's too late for us to grow some. I wish my mom had done what you did. I do think it would have made all the difference. I think my sister has it in her to be so much more, accomplish so much more, live a stable life, and she COULD have gotten there, can get there if she is forced to finally understand the law of action-consequence on her own. I really hope that, if nothing else comes out of this, some parent out there in a similar situation will read the whole sorry tale and say that firm no to their own difficult child in time. [/QUOTE]
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