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R.V.T (Rant Ventilation Thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 324436" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>I understand what you mean about cultural taboos and family structure - I come from a culture where 'home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in'; and I married into a different culture but one with the same principle. I wasn't really suggesting that you should try to cut your sister out of the family, nor that you should advise your parents to do so. However, distance and space are great healers. They can make otherwise impossible relationships possible, at least to some extent. </p><p></p><p>My thought in suggesting that you find another place was exactly that your sister has a key to the family apartment and, even if she agreed to rent a different place, she would likely show up and cause difficulty with you anyway. And it would be on her schedule, not yours - if you had something important the next day it wouldn't matter to her. If you had a place to which she didn't have a key, the address of which she ideally would not know, you could see her and offer whatever support you like in a neutral setting, on your schedule. </p><p></p><p>You can be a supportive family member without making yourself responsible for your sister's obligations - i.e. trying to make sure she doesn't mess up her job, getting her up on time, etc. You don't have to criticize your parents or their parenting methods, and I agree, what's done is done and it would only cause pain to rehash all of it. It is possible to step away and gain some balance, however, without abandoning the people you are related to. In whatever way works for you, small steps in letting your sister own her own actions, and in getting on with the important things in your own life, will be positive for everyone. I have found it true that, once I stopped 'doing' for my difficult child and stopped tolerating yelling, intimidation, and violence, he changed his behavior with me. When a pattern of behavior has been set up, if one partner changes the pattern then the other will make changes too. Someone who has been used to dominating others with violence may become more violent initially, though, in an attempt to regain the upper hand. You should have a plan before changing your pattern of response to her. </p><p></p><p>I would urge you to be safe. There is no advantage to accepting violence. That is one place you could mark a line that is not to be crossed. You don't even have to tell her about it; she's thirty, she knows that assault is grounds for arrest. If you are assaulted you should call the police, period. No discussion, and be sure to have the emergency number on speed-dial. It does family integrity no good to tolerate physical abuse. So please, be safe. If calling the police isn't likely to be helpful in your country of residence, make a plan to leave immediately should your sister become violent. Always have an escape route in mind; make sure you can get to the door or another exit at all times. </p><p></p><p>If there's any chance of you working with a counselor where you are, I would urge you to consider that too. You have a safe place to vent here, but a person you can sit with face to face is also valuable. He or she might have other perspectives and suggestions to help you. I wish you the best.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 324436, member: 2884"] I understand what you mean about cultural taboos and family structure - I come from a culture where 'home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in'; and I married into a different culture but one with the same principle. I wasn't really suggesting that you should try to cut your sister out of the family, nor that you should advise your parents to do so. However, distance and space are great healers. They can make otherwise impossible relationships possible, at least to some extent. My thought in suggesting that you find another place was exactly that your sister has a key to the family apartment and, even if she agreed to rent a different place, she would likely show up and cause difficulty with you anyway. And it would be on her schedule, not yours - if you had something important the next day it wouldn't matter to her. If you had a place to which she didn't have a key, the address of which she ideally would not know, you could see her and offer whatever support you like in a neutral setting, on your schedule. You can be a supportive family member without making yourself responsible for your sister's obligations - i.e. trying to make sure she doesn't mess up her job, getting her up on time, etc. You don't have to criticize your parents or their parenting methods, and I agree, what's done is done and it would only cause pain to rehash all of it. It is possible to step away and gain some balance, however, without abandoning the people you are related to. In whatever way works for you, small steps in letting your sister own her own actions, and in getting on with the important things in your own life, will be positive for everyone. I have found it true that, once I stopped 'doing' for my difficult child and stopped tolerating yelling, intimidation, and violence, he changed his behavior with me. When a pattern of behavior has been set up, if one partner changes the pattern then the other will make changes too. Someone who has been used to dominating others with violence may become more violent initially, though, in an attempt to regain the upper hand. You should have a plan before changing your pattern of response to her. I would urge you to be safe. There is no advantage to accepting violence. That is one place you could mark a line that is not to be crossed. You don't even have to tell her about it; she's thirty, she knows that assault is grounds for arrest. If you are assaulted you should call the police, period. No discussion, and be sure to have the emergency number on speed-dial. It does family integrity no good to tolerate physical abuse. So please, be safe. If calling the police isn't likely to be helpful in your country of residence, make a plan to leave immediately should your sister become violent. Always have an escape route in mind; make sure you can get to the door or another exit at all times. If there's any chance of you working with a counselor where you are, I would urge you to consider that too. You have a safe place to vent here, but a person you can sit with face to face is also valuable. He or she might have other perspectives and suggestions to help you. I wish you the best. [/QUOTE]
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