Rambling (0f course) update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi everyone! It's been a while since I updated only because I have lots of little news, but no sudden big news. And I am back to work full time+ for now, unexpected but not unwelcome. Definitely exhausting!

    The winds of change have been blowing hard here since September…some of this may be repetitive, I've mentioned it in bits and pieces afraid of jinxing it all - but long story long (as if I could write concisely HA)

    H owned his own (14 yo business) that had been struggling for the past 3-4 years. When my dad died in 08, we were building our dream home and H's business was thriving. Swap the happy wife in charge of the new house for a grief stricken wife trying to give attn. to her crazy widowed mother " and you have a husband who loses focus. Throw in a wonky economy, a new, much bigger house & mtge, a easy child turning into a difficult child and a well-meaning husband who gets over leveraged in an attempt not to trouble his already troubled wife …and BOOM! Now, we were getting the business out of debt at great personal expense and were seeing some light ahead " 2 years away - when H was unexpectedly offered a great job with really wonderful benefits. It meant giving up on our dream, a base salary much lower than his salary had been b4 the business crisis, assuming some business debt as personal (doable but *ouch*) and walking away from the enormous amount of money we had invested in the biz. But it was a way out and a lifeline and he accepted VERY gratefully. A big weight off of the shoulders! We are 99% thrilled but it was hard to say goodbye to a dream and to accept that the great personal sacrifices we made for the business didn't pay off in the end. But the new job is a tremendous blessing-he started Sept 1 - and I am so thankful.

    Me? I am back to work FT unexpectedly. I was working for my family business on an as needed basis " a few hours a week from home- when it became evident that the business needed someone to pay much closer attention to the financial end. So, I have been putting out fires, crisis to crisis, for 6 months. I'm working 50-60 hours a week " still mostly from home " but commuting 91 miles each way to the office 1-2 times a week. It was meant to be a 2x a month commute, and 20 hours a week from home and I keep saying it will calm down, but it hasn't happened. One can hope. It's very emotionally preoccupying to be working with my brothers again. Everything is so 'loaded' and I am trying to build a bridge. The hard fought, drama filled increase in pay was welcome-but was based on the 20 hour work week. I can't keep up this pace at my pay; the commute is costing me more than I am earning! So, I may have some more uncomfortable wage negotiations in my near future. I am not looking forward to that!

    But the real news is that difficult child is back home. And it's pretty good. We have a rough spots here and there; he sleeps too late, he's should work more hours, he is always wearing his sweat shirt hood up while in the house, he stays out really late sometimes " but nothing out of the typical teen ordinary. Of course, any rough spot sends my mind into the wrong place " it's like difficult child ptsd. We are taking it day by day and trying not to think too far ahead. He's working at a sub shop, but not getting the hours he was promised. He's passing time there until his summer landscape job restarts. He borrowed rent money from husband a few weeks ago, but couldn't repay it and hoped that we wouldn't notice instead of fessing up right away. He is still on the hook for his apt in the college town and has one more month left to pay. My H has been a saint.

    difficult child came home for a few extended stays in the fall, and them came home the week before Thanksgiving through most of January. difficult child went back to his college town (as though he were a student - yep, he is still pretending to himself) in late January. He called us about a week later and asked for bus fare home. He said he was finished living there. I wanted to go pick him up. If he was coming back; I wanted him moved out completely from his apt. I didn't want him to have the option of fleeing from here and going back there. I was thinking mostly about myself and my own comfort level. If he was home, this was going to be his only home. Of course, I was stuck at work that day and my incredible H made the 250 mile trip to get difficult child AND all of his stuff and drove him back home the same day. By the time I got home, difficult child had unpacked every last bit, hung his posters on his bedroom wall, and he emptied every box and bag, storing the household stuff he didn't need.

    It's been 2 months and I haven't seen him altered, but what the heck do I know? I look. The liquor cabinet is locked, I kiss him goodnight to check. NADA. I go thru his stuff sometimes. He does turn 21 in a few days and it's a knot in my stomach. I know he drinks when out with friends, I don't know how much. He does spend the night at friends' apts when he will out late. He is allowed to use H's car to get to and from work and occasionally for leisure. I took the advice of someone here and 'the car' has a curfew of 12:30 even if difficult child does not. He's honored it to the T and is not drinking and driving. H is using pc18's car for now, and has told difficult child that he needs to save to buy his own car to drive. Once easy child is home from school, difficult child won't have wheels. We haven't given him any money aside from a few dollars here or there to pick up dinner when the kitchen is bare. He brings back the change without being asked. He cleans up after himself, does the dishes, and empties the garbage. He's been a good big brother to pc16 and he's home most nights. He's been respectful. He's even been pleasant and occasionally even he is the warm and loving boy who stole my heart! Every once in a while, I see him bristle and my stomach falls. But even the bristling has been reduced.

    I have no idea what we are doing. We aren't scratching the surface too deep. We know that pushing for answers sends him running; yet at the same time " we are holding standards and trying not to drink his kool-aid. WE ARE WINGING IT! We are still in the polite houseguest mode sometimes. Other times, he acts like a son - he is even deferential on occasion He has been very respectful. No raised voices or clenched fists. But that was never his MO, he was never defiant until that day he moved out in fury, (repeated a few times, of course). The true test will be when his friends return for the summer. We did have a few uneasy moments when he had friends home for spring break last week. typical teen, perhaps but also triggers my difficult child ptsd*. Late nights, forgot to call, didn't let me know he wouldn't be home for dinner, came home at 4:30am because he got stuck without a ride, but then apologized profusely on his own. And still made it to work on time. Such an enigma. I know it can be typical young man stuff, but I cannot live a summer like that. been there done that, got the Tee Shirt and boy was it hideous and scratchy.

    He wants to go to school in Sept. and met with an admissions counselor at the local State Uni branch last week. He was incredulous and a bit angry when she told him he only has a 50/50 shot of getting in. Oh how the mighty have fallen…He needs to at least try to get his former school to turn some of those Fs into Ws. And he needs to appeal to them to do so. He hasn't done it yet. He did ask if *I* would write the letter for him, and I said I didn't think that would work out. He has some options, but he needs to be ott motivated if he really wants to go back full time. He also must pay his outstanding tuition bill to make his transcript available. Interestingly enough, the former school (state uni) seized his state tax refund. He still owed 1600 of the original 2000 bill and it's nearly 2 years old. Some things haven't changed. He made over 8000 last summer, and paid his fun first and didn't pay his obligations or save for his rent. We have not offered to pay it for him and will not give him money for his birthday. Similarly, he has money for concert tickets, but borrowed money from dad for the rent. I think he was counting on the tax refund to repay his dad.


    He also has stated he plans to get an apt in the city near the school when (if!) he attends there in the fall instead of commuting from home. Claims he can afford $500 a month. He is still Joe Isuzu when it comes to anything school related " he thinks he will get in, ace his classes etc just by virtue of being himself. He is way too overconfident and has an inflated sense of his talents. I use my phrases to detach and try not to engage. I offer support without money. It would be so easy to buy into it; but wishing it were so won't make it come true; Know what I mean??

    Baby steps, I have to remind myself, baby steps. I am hoping that being in a secure place with nice things, nourishing meals and the people who love him will be restorative. As though the bounty sheets I put in the dryer have magic powers! I know he is home because he really had nowhere else to go. I am trying not to have any illusions. He has snowed us before; turned on us quickly, unexpectedly and with hate and then stayed away. I am trying to keep my guard up and not let my hopes take hold of my heart. And yet...

    He is home, we have a relationship and I know he is OK " I need to let that be enough for now. It is so much more than where we were a year ago...

    And may the board gods please keep the board curse far away from us…

    * difficult child ptsd - no offense to those with real ptsd - I realize it's not to be taken lightly!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm in crisis mode today myself, sorry. All I can say is that I hope your choices are positive and successful and I am rooting for you. I'm rooting for me today too. Yeah, I know that's not fully "supportive" BUT it's "real". Hugs DDD
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hey D - I am rooting for you. I will light some candles... it's a lot of changes for us; way too many changes. My head is spinning. It's like waking up in another galaxy somedays. Not all the changes are positive, H's dad died yesterday, suddenly though not unexpectedly. He had been given 6-18 months to live and lasted 2 weeks. Probably for the best, but it didn't give H a chance to go see him. The personal tax effects of closing the business have been gut wrenching and ugly. Do the right thing and stop paying yourself to stay afloat and meet your other obligations and you end up owing taxes because your unpaid wages and the loans you forgave get added to the bottom line. UGLY. The "cut your losses and get out while you can" and bite the bullet approach has me looking over my shoulder. If his job doesn't work out, we are sunk. But we were sinking anyway.

    My job? We suspect we have a thief or thieves among us and it may hit the fan soon. Full scale, completely covert loss prevention/forensic audit being sprung on our unknowing operation & staff in a week and half. (shhhh) No one will be spared and no one knows but me. I know it will shake out a few things we never suspected. And likely upset a few people but it must be done. The thought makes me want to barf.

    So, what's good is good and what isn't good is awful. So many things turned 180 in a millisecond - all in the span of a few weeks - and I am still spinning and not sure where we will land. So, you keep rooting and I'll keep lighting candles. No nekkid chicken dancing here - it would involve to many scary jiggly ugly bits and probably stir up the wrong stuff. Me? I am trying to fly low these days...
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure where you think you're flying to, but... you're definitely flying.
    Take time to unwind.

    (ya right, IC - go take your own doggone advice...)
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry about husband's dad. No matter how expected it is, it is always a shock. There are a few times in life when everything hits at once, it is like a crazy rollercoaster ride. All you can do is strap yourself in, and hold on - and scream loudly at the dips. Eventually, the ride is over, your legs are wobbly, but you're ok.

    I hope you catch the thief (sounds very James Bond). It would infuriate and disappoint me if I had a family business and my employees were pilfering. Hang in. :sigh:
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sig, Im sorry about the bad parts like husband's father and the financial drama but some of the difficult child things seem to be on a somewhat even keel if not perfect line. Sometimes you just have to live without knowing and believe that ignorance is bliss. I tend to do that with Cory a lot. I always feel that what I dont know cant hurt me. If I dont ask any questions, I dont need to get answers I dont want to hear....lol. After all he is a continent away from me. What on earth can I do about it?
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm very sorry to hear about H's father. It's a difficult time no matter when it happens but in the midst of everything going on you do need a lifejacket.

    I understand the biggest problem with owning a company is honest employees and I can only imagine the grief this is causing you. I hope you find what you need to find and that steps taken will result in a stroger company.

    You know Sig much of what you write about your difficult child is the way I feel about mine right now. She is not back home but still living on her own and doing well...for her. Far beneath the expectations and dreams I had for her growing up but also far above what looked like would be the case two years ago. Somewhere in the middle where she is working, paying bills, getting by, cleaning up her mistakes from the past, making better friends than she was before and hopefully staying out of trouble. Whether this will remain the case I don't know. If history is any indication she will self sabatoge and all will fall apart. But if the gods are with her and she sees her life can be better she will continue moving forward.

    Yes she still drinks. My how I have changed on that score. No longer do I ever think or even consider the fact that she will get sober and stay sober. As far as I know she is not drinking to excess and it is not interfering in her life. If this was the way she was drinking before I never would have considered it a problem. So I have no idea whether she is an addict or was just a young person rebelling against everything and especially us. But I really don't care at this point. I am hoping and praying she continues on this path. I don't know if she is still smoking pot. I suspect she is but it is infrequent. She will always live on the edge and I have come to accept that.

    Yesterday we were texting and I asked of she needed to bring clothes over to wash like she had been doing for the past couple months. She said no because she did them at Gary's house. I texted back lol you don't need me anymore. Her reply was of course I do mom you are my mother I'm always going to need you. A far cry from the days/years when she hated us. She is friendly when she is with us, doesn;t ask for anything and is grateful for what we do for her.

    She makes comments about how she should just go back to school and that she wishes she could get a better job and I just listen. Those were the consequences of her bad choices and I no longer try to fix them. We worked with her getting her debts paid and husband did some remarkeable negotiating to get much of it written off but she is finally debt free, using her income tax refund and her paychecks and is banking money now to stay ahead of her monthly obligations. husband bought her a car last week, an absolute necessity since the eleven year old car she was driving was literally falling apart and we were having to put so much money into it just to keep it running. She felt the natural consequences of her financial situation when they would not allow her to be on the loan with husband because her credit score was only 450. husband negotiated that too and now she is on the loan which we wanted to help bring up her score. She was very grateful and has promised to take care of the car, we will see. But at least we don't have that worry over our heads.

    "He is home, we have a relationship and I know he is OK " I need to let that be enough for now. It is so much more than where we were a year ago..."

    That is all so true for both of us. It is enough for us right now.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Here's hoping things continue to go well.

    Hugs!!!! You too, Nancy!!!!
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I Awwww Sig so many things going on in your life. I am sorry about your father in law, expected or not it is a huge loss for your husband. I am glad to hear that you are staying sane in your crazy world. I hope things work out for you financially and I hope it is soon. I lost a business of my own in the early 90's and though not a huge financial loss it was psycologically devastating. I am glad your husband got a nice job and it is a lifeline for him and the family and I truly hope it is something he will enjoy for a long time to come.

    It does sound like your difficult child has made some changes and thoough not "there" yet hopefully things will continue to improve. I think I recall that he didn't have many credits from college? If so, maybe if this application doesn't work out he can just apply somewhere else and not mention his previous college experience just start over with a clean slate??

    Good luck with the audit and the raise proposal. I hope it all has the best possible ending. -RM