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Random acts of, well you know, and an upcoming birthday.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 653033" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hey Lil. What you did yesterday was just fine. </p><p></p><p>When you are completely beaten down, like you sound like you are right now, you are doing whatever you can do to survive. Change is almost impossible.</p><p></p><p>Your son's situation has completely beaten you down. That is so understandable and I have been right there, where you are. I was there multiple times, in fact. </p><p></p><p>I remember feeling exactly the same way right before I went through my separation and divorce. I wasn't sleeping at all. I would wake up about 1 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I could barely function.</p><p></p><p>I called my priest one morning and unloaded on him. He was a good friend. He encouraged me to call my internal medicine doctor. When I got her on the phone, I unloaded on her. The first thing she said was this: Job One is getting you some sleep. You can't deal with any of this without rest. So she gave me something for sleep immediately, and that was my first step back. </p><p></p><p>I did get on antidepressants and started going to talk therapy once a week. Once the sleep was better, the antidepressants kicked in and I could talk it out I started getting better, functioning better, and then I took more steps. Finally I was able to separate from my husband, which was awful but necessary, and then went through the divorce.</p><p></p><p>After we were divorced and I was doing well, I went off the antidepressants. I haven't needed them with my son (amazingly!) even though my emotions have been much more intense than my divorce. I have felt completely beaten down at times with his situation, like you do, but I have been able to help myself enough with my tools not to have to start where I started with my marriage situation.</p><p></p><p>Lil, you are going to be okay. You have been transparent and honest about where you are right now. You have to be completely sick and tired---to the core of your being---before you can change. Just like your son will have to feel the same way, before he will change.</p><p></p><p>We keep on doing what we do because that is what we know how to do, even if it doesn't work.</p><p>When we are completely spent---completely---we will be ready to learn a new way of living.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps you are there. Start taking steps for you, like others have mentioned here. Just do it, one at a time. You will start to feel better no matter what he decides to do or not.</p><p></p><p>Are there hard times ahead with him? Most likely he will not be ready for your decisions come June 1. You already know that by his behavior right now. Well, okay, that is fact. Over time, you are setting more boundaries because the situation itself is teaching you that helping doesn't help. And when you help, you are doing it out of your own need, which is okay, Lil. We can only do what we can live with. In time, you will even stop the ramen noodles. When you are ready.</p><p></p><p>This is the path. Unfortunately, each of us has to walk the path. We can hold your hand and kick your butt and comfort you while you are doing it, but you have to walk it.</p><p></p><p>Letting your son go completely, God Bless Him, is what it takes, Lil. I have walked that path, and it is the toughest one of my life.</p><p></p><p>Today, start taking steps to help YOU. You have a life and you are 51% more important than he is at 49%. Start living that equation. </p><p></p><p>We are here for you, no matter what you decide to do. It's your life and your decision, and we understand how so very hard it is. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 653033, member: 17542"] Hey Lil. What you did yesterday was just fine. When you are completely beaten down, like you sound like you are right now, you are doing whatever you can do to survive. Change is almost impossible. Your son's situation has completely beaten you down. That is so understandable and I have been right there, where you are. I was there multiple times, in fact. I remember feeling exactly the same way right before I went through my separation and divorce. I wasn't sleeping at all. I would wake up about 1 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I could barely function. I called my priest one morning and unloaded on him. He was a good friend. He encouraged me to call my internal medicine doctor. When I got her on the phone, I unloaded on her. The first thing she said was this: Job One is getting you some sleep. You can't deal with any of this without rest. So she gave me something for sleep immediately, and that was my first step back. I did get on antidepressants and started going to talk therapy once a week. Once the sleep was better, the antidepressants kicked in and I could talk it out I started getting better, functioning better, and then I took more steps. Finally I was able to separate from my husband, which was awful but necessary, and then went through the divorce. After we were divorced and I was doing well, I went off the antidepressants. I haven't needed them with my son (amazingly!) even though my emotions have been much more intense than my divorce. I have felt completely beaten down at times with his situation, like you do, but I have been able to help myself enough with my tools not to have to start where I started with my marriage situation. Lil, you are going to be okay. You have been transparent and honest about where you are right now. You have to be completely sick and tired---to the core of your being---before you can change. Just like your son will have to feel the same way, before he will change. We keep on doing what we do because that is what we know how to do, even if it doesn't work. When we are completely spent---completely---we will be ready to learn a new way of living. Perhaps you are there. Start taking steps for you, like others have mentioned here. Just do it, one at a time. You will start to feel better no matter what he decides to do or not. Are there hard times ahead with him? Most likely he will not be ready for your decisions come June 1. You already know that by his behavior right now. Well, okay, that is fact. Over time, you are setting more boundaries because the situation itself is teaching you that helping doesn't help. And when you help, you are doing it out of your own need, which is okay, Lil. We can only do what we can live with. In time, you will even stop the ramen noodles. When you are ready. This is the path. Unfortunately, each of us has to walk the path. We can hold your hand and kick your butt and comfort you while you are doing it, but you have to walk it. Letting your son go completely, God Bless Him, is what it takes, Lil. I have walked that path, and it is the toughest one of my life. Today, start taking steps to help YOU. You have a life and you are 51% more important than he is at 49%. Start living that equation. We are here for you, no matter what you decide to do. It's your life and your decision, and we understand how so very hard it is. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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