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Re-marriage and others oppinions
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 162128" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">I remarried to my H when my girls were 6 and 8. They knew him their whole lives as he was a family friend and he lived with us (at their urging as well as mine) for 2 years before we married. We thought everything was just honky-dory.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">Within the span of 3 years: First, I moved my daughters 150 miles from where they were born, then a year later [then boyfriend, H] moved in with us, then a year later we bought a house and moved again, within the same town, and then a year later we married. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">Even though on the surface those all seem like positive changes, they are still changes and can be very unsettling to a child, no matter how much involvement they have in the decisions or how much reassurance you give them. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">By the time we finally hit a counselor's office, my youngest daughter, difficult child, was already receiving school aid under a 504. But she was prone to seemingly irrational outbursts and meltdowns. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">We thought we were such a normal familiy. The counselor explained to us all the different dynamics going on in a blended and/or step family. How even though the changes are good, there are a lot of unspoken emotions going on that kids just can't process or have difficulty with. The counselor also stressed that my new H should have a non-traditional parental role in our lives. Rather than be a key disciplinarian, he will be more like my cheerleader and support. Ultimately, the discipling came down to me, though H and I were instructed to discuss things in private when we could. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">Now, I will admit that we didn't always follow the counselor's suggestions and we've had a lot of loud family discussions about which one of us was right and which one was wrong, whose way is better, etc. We were not always united in front of the children, etc., and we undermined one another at times. But I do think it went well for the most part. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">My H is not typically a yeller. He has to really really be angry or at the end of his rapidly frazzled rope before he will raise his voice. BUT, he does have a way of speaking in a very stern manner that my difficult child misconstrues as 'yelling'. We learned early on that when my difficult child said a teacher, other parent, or friend was 'yelling' at her, they probably were not - more likely, they were being stern and speaking in a way that brooked no argument. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkred">It sounds like you would all benefit as a famiily in counseling, together and alone. Your H needs to learn how to communicate without yelling. He also needs to allow you to be the main disciplinarian. You need to be the 'top' parent, yet allow your H to support you and together discuss things more before things get out of hand. Your son sounds like he needs reassurance that you're H is not replacing a part of your heart that is reserved for him. He needs to know that even though you're remarried, you still have his best interests at heart. Nip this in the bud now while they are all still so young. Good luck~ It's not easy.</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 162128, member: 2211"] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]I remarried to my H when my girls were 6 and 8. They knew him their whole lives as he was a family friend and he lived with us (at their urging as well as mine) for 2 years before we married. We thought everything was just honky-dory.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]Within the span of 3 years: First, I moved my daughters 150 miles from where they were born, then a year later [then boyfriend, H] moved in with us, then a year later we bought a house and moved again, within the same town, and then a year later we married. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]Even though on the surface those all seem like positive changes, they are still changes and can be very unsettling to a child, no matter how much involvement they have in the decisions or how much reassurance you give them. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]By the time we finally hit a counselor's office, my youngest daughter, difficult child, was already receiving school aid under a 504. But she was prone to seemingly irrational outbursts and meltdowns. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]We thought we were such a normal familiy. The counselor explained to us all the different dynamics going on in a blended and/or step family. How even though the changes are good, there are a lot of unspoken emotions going on that kids just can't process or have difficulty with. The counselor also stressed that my new H should have a non-traditional parental role in our lives. Rather than be a key disciplinarian, he will be more like my cheerleader and support. Ultimately, the discipling came down to me, though H and I were instructed to discuss things in private when we could. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]Now, I will admit that we didn't always follow the counselor's suggestions and we've had a lot of loud family discussions about which one of us was right and which one was wrong, whose way is better, etc. We were not always united in front of the children, etc., and we undermined one another at times. But I do think it went well for the most part. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]My H is not typically a yeller. He has to really really be angry or at the end of his rapidly frazzled rope before he will raise his voice. BUT, he does have a way of speaking in a very stern manner that my difficult child misconstrues as 'yelling'. We learned early on that when my difficult child said a teacher, other parent, or friend was 'yelling' at her, they probably were not - more likely, they were being stern and speaking in a way that brooked no argument. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkred]It sounds like you would all benefit as a famiily in counseling, together and alone. Your H needs to learn how to communicate without yelling. He also needs to allow you to be the main disciplinarian. You need to be the 'top' parent, yet allow your H to support you and together discuss things more before things get out of hand. Your son sounds like he needs reassurance that you're H is not replacing a part of your heart that is reserved for him. He needs to know that even though you're remarried, you still have his best interests at heart. Nip this in the bud now while they are all still so young. Good luck~ It's not easy.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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