You are not a wimp in any way. But I do think you need to re-read the book, because you're still thinking in terms of giving him consequences. With most difficult children, consequences (= punishment, in that sense) do not work, they only make them worse.
Natural consequences - that's another story. And with computer games, it's like the taboo - don't touch the game (like Fonzie - "don't touch the hair.") Instead, I got the child to tell ME how many hours to let him play.
The most important thing is to let him learn self-discipline. When you've got a really stubborn kid, then instead of fighting the kid, teach him to use that stubbornness productively. The book can help.
We have found that our difficult child's anxiety is linked in to gaming. Computer gaming is, for our boys, a coping strategy. Gaming soothes them, calms them, helps them opt out when it gets too tough to concentrate on the family social stuff. And because our boys recognise that we will not shut off their gaming, they have relaxed a lot with it.
Here is an example of what NOT to do, with a difficult child who uses gaming as a coping strategy:
difficult child sitting gaming. Mum calls out, "Dinner is ready, it's on the table!"
difficult child does not respond. Mum calls agian, "Come and get your dinner, it will get cold!"
difficult child answers, "I'm trying to concentrate on this! Leave me alone!"
Mum gets angry at the insolence and walks over to the screen and switches it off.
difficult child rages.
Dinner still doens't get eaten. The rage continues for several hours.
End result - nada. difficult child feels outraged and won't see that he behaved badly. Mum begins removing stuff as a consequencew, including removing computer games and tellnig difficult child that she will throw them away. difficult child's raging escalates (and we didn't think it possible).
Final outcome - absolutely nothing achieved and everyone exhausted and angry.
Alternative -
Mum: "difficult child, dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Get yourself to a save point or a finish point as soon as you can."
difficult child: "Aww, Mum, I'm not ready yet! I've sitll got ten levels to get through, let me concentrate!"
Mum: "OK, I'm just giving you the ten minute warning. get your game saved as soon as you can. YOu've still got ten minutes, it's OK."
Ten minutes later -
Mum: "difficult child, time is up. Dinner is on the table."
difficult child: "I don't remember you letting me know - oh hang on, I remember now. I forgot."
Mum: "Well, your dinner is on the table and everybody else is sitting down to eat. Do you want me to set the oven timer for five minutes?"
difficult child: "Yes please, Mum."
Oven timer is set. It goes off after five minutes. difficult child switches off the game and comes to the table to eat his dinner.
difficult child: "It's not very hot..."
Mum: (calmly) "It was when I called you. But you were only another five minutes, it should still be OK. If you want it a little warmer, you can warm it up in the microwave. I'm not doing it, though, because I'm eating my dinner."
End result - no major traumas. difficult child got to finish his game, chose his own time. But he also got his dinner, nobody got upset or punished.
The trouble with the way we try to handle our difficult children - we too often fall back on treating them as if they don't have any problems.
But NEWS FLASH - these kids are NOT normal. They need to be handled differently. They need firmness but also need a sort of elastic firmness, not rock-solid immovability.
You also need to recognise that a difficult child with anxiety is going to react with panic when you try to insert your own change into their world. And I am a firm beleiver in NOT punishing a difficult child who is reacting out of panic. Of course you can correct the bad behaviour, but I do it gently and without seemnig to be angry.
Example:
Mum: "difficult child, come eat your dinner!"
difficult child: "NO! I'm not ready! I've still got ten levels to go - shut up, willya? You're breaking my concentration."
That is not the time to chide. He's concentrating on something else, his reaction was a panic one (fear of making a mistake in the game).
Ten minutes later -
Mum: "difficult child, now you're here at the table eating your dinner, let's talk about how you spoke to me back then. I understand that your game was important to you, but you really shouldn't have used that tone of voice to me. Can you think of a better way to have asked me to give you a bit longer?"
If you stay calm and use this as a teaching opportunity, you are far more likely to get the result you want. The aim is to teach the child more appropriate ways to communicate. He will learn best when he feels safe and not anxious, and also when he isn't enraged. Over time, he will learn to moderate his panic responses.
This takes patience and studied calmness. It doesn't mean that you let your child walk all over you. Not at all. But it DOES mean that you choose your battles and also actively choose what NOT to fight with him about. You also need to actively choose to leave some areas alone, for now.
As the child learns that you will give him space and you are trying to help him and not simply be a martinet thorn in his side, you will find his behaviour changing by itself. ALso as you relax which battles to fight, you will find him to be less infuriating.
I briefly mentioned allowing difficult child to set his gaming hours. That isn't as crazy as it sounds. From a parental point of view, our kids spend way too much time playing computer games. From the kids point of view, they don't get enough time. And they also have a very poor idea of how long they DO spend on gaming.
So what I did with difficult child 1 (and later with difficult child 3) - I said to him, "How many hours each day do you think you spend on games?"
Generally the kid will grossly underestimate. I remember difficult child 1 said to me, "About four hours."
I then held him to it, made him keep a gaming log for a week. I didn't make him cut back on gaming, just made a note each day when he exceeded the five hours he had estimated. He was horrified at how quickly he got to five hours. It also meant that when I next sat him down to talk about his attitude to schoolwork etc, he was much more willing to accept that he should cut back on his gaming time. And he controlled it himself, took an active role in self-limiting gaming.
The important thing was to teach him to control himself and set his own limits. Doing it this way was more painless, more effective and in the long-term, the way he needed to go when I was no longer around to breathe down his neck.
Marg
