Cmontgomery -
Hi and welcome. First off - you aren't crazy. These kids' behaviors? They're enough to make normally, well behaved parents act nuts, say and do things that well....you just would never ever think would come out of your mouth or body. Secondly - a lot of these kids either COME from broken homes where the parents think - Oh I got divorced early on, so it didn't affect my son - OR they remarried thinking a step parent surely filled the bill, OR eventually even some of the best parents are at odds with each other and the strain on the marriage is tremendous and sometimes even the best of marriages end. If you are lucky? You and your significant other catch the behaviors in time, and you ALL get into counseling which a LOT of people think is a waste of time - and children balk at, and some men balk at thinking it's the women's responsibility to parent or that once the kid is in therapy - everything will be fine or better or worse yet - 'cured' - or a pill will come along and then the whole PROBLEM will be solved - and so many of these things are just not true.
A lot of the questions these fine ladies have asked you ARE legitimate reasons to a lot of the problems that CAN occur behind behavioral problems. There is also a thing called (in our world) co-morbids - which is more likely to be a word you will become used to and it means that while it may be a diet issue - he may have behavioral issues as well. Or while he may have mental health issues? He may also have metabolic issues you are unaware of. That's why it's absolutely crucial to get to a doctor, and get a recommendation and referral to a neurophysch, and from there a recommendation for a therapist the does EXCELLENT cognitive behavioral therapy - and know that it's not going to be for a month, or a week, or a year - it will take the family YEARS because you most likely will go once a week - for an hour. Not a lot you can accomplish working on one thing at a time, an hour at a time. Its frustrating, it's long, its drawn out. It's a process ------and in the mean time - YOU and your husband HAVE to find common ground, make a united front -----and find a doctor that is willing to arm you with knowledge as to HOW to talk to this person, communicate with this person, DEAL with this person without loosing your cool, and punish this person, reward this person, and it's not like everyone else - it's a whole new language. If you want it to work.....if you want him to be helped by the time he's hopefully in his 20's.....and that's the goal.
Also know - medications will take time - some (ifyou choose) will work, others will not. Some will work with some, others won't - so it will be trial and error and finding the right dosage, medications and combinations can be challenging. Also diet, and possibly allergies. All this plays into what can help you all.
My biggest recommendation at this point? LOCK things up. If he can't get to them - he can't steal them. We have locks and keys for every door in our house. We close and locked the doors beind us each time we went in and out and YES it was a pain - but things didn't get stolen.
As for lying? There is help for that without blowing up and loosing your cool - you just need a professional to guide you.
As for the I HATE YOU, and I DON"T WANT TO LIVE HERE - there is help for that - again - you need a professional to guide you to know what to say and what NOT to say and WHAT to do when you tough love this kid and he runs away - and how to NOT bluff....but mean what you say and stand firm. Not back down, NOT make idle threats. EVEN for a six year old.
As for the manipulating? THERE is help for that - on how to be smarter than a first grader - but again - GET to a therapist - because HE is going to have to hear your whole story - in context YOUR ideas YOUR husbands ideas.......and then put the picture together - because.....and I don't say this lightly (as I have no idea but in our case there was) I had issues....and before I could parent correctly I had to deal with MY issues. So while I was trying to help my son - I was helping myself and I ended up in therapy. I wanted to be the best parent I could be. I didn't want to yell and scream and throw - I wanted to be effective - and solve problems.
So there is a lot to this -------but the fact that you are looking for answers says a lot about you as a Mom.
If you don't know where a neuropsyche is - don't worry - Go to your GP - make an appointment and tell HIM what you need. Start there anyway. Just incase it IS diet, or organic and something like an MRI is needed.
Glad to have you here. We're a great support team.
OH and ps. I was married to a sociopath/psychopath with bipolar tendencies, an alcoholic, drug addict yadda yadda - so if you care to know what a budding sociopath looks or acts like - I'll be glad to tell you what a full grown one is like. Hence my therapy...I saw a show recently that was on History chanel where a scientist is now able to isolate the gene of s sociopath with a blood test. - I do know we were told that if we didn't do something to change our sons behaviors with the history of my x's genetics and behaviors - our son was headed towards anti-social personality disorder. They actually end up at that before sociopath. So there IS time to change your son if that's what you suspect, but you can take just about any disorder and mold it to any ill behaved child on most any badly behaved day. Our son while not perfect is changed and better for a lot of interventions we did over the course of 15 years. Some proof for us is the fact that he idolizes his dog, and treats her like a baby. There are many things that have changed for the better. But it was a lot of hard work.
Hugs
Star
