re: two minutes in school - help..long sry

[Kjs]

Well..After my phone call from school two minutes after he was there and after getting yelled at by difficult child, I hung up, called his father's phone and left him a message to call school.

When I left work I called dad. (his lunch time then). I asked him if he called school. he said yes and difficult child was in with social worker and school psychologist. He was refusing to do the testing. But they put difficult child on the phone, husband told him to do it, so he said "OK". :grrr:

difficult child will yell at me, call me names go on and on, but when husband says something he says "ok".

So..I had an appointment and didn't get home until 2:40. There was a message on the answering machine from gym teacher.
"difficult child refused to dress for gym today. he was suppose to be sitting by the wall watching and he was goofing around with other kids so I asked him to move to another spot. difficult child replied "no". Gym teacher said "excuse me" difficult child said N - -O.
So, he was brought to the office and the message suggested I call the VP to see what would happen.

I called VP and he just told me the same as the message. Didn't have a chance to speak to difficult child yet, although he was waiting his turn. I told VP that I can no longer take calls at work, all calls must go to his father and he will have to return the call.

I then went to bed. Woke up at 4:30, they were already gone to his baseball game, I could of went, but thought I would like to get a little more than 1.5 hours sleep. So, I called husband and asked if he knew about gym. He very sarcastically said, Yes, i talked to VP and he told me he didn't speak to the gym teacher yet. (not what he told me)
I am also constantly telling difficult child everyday to bring home backpack with accordian folder. EVERYDAY. That way all papers can go in there and they won't get lost or crumpled up. Well, All that was on the table was english papers. So, I told husband, he didn't bring home his backpack again. husband said "oh, thats my fault". I said NO..that is HIS fault. husband didn't make him go back in and get it. Shouldn't have to. 7th grade, I tell him every day. husband got mad, started yelling at me so I hung up and laid back down.
Started thinking, I asked husband to lay down the laws to difficult child because difficult child doesn't listen to me. husband said, like what? What laws? (this was a few weeks ago). So, I told him. If he gets kicked out of class, refuses to go to class, mouths off to teachers, refuses work, mouths off to me, etc...consequences.
he never did. So, I got up, took the keyboard, mouse, ipod, cell phone and all game system controllers and went down stairs and packed them away. Put some paper in a folder, sharpened some pencils (even put his name on the pencils with marker lol)put some pens and a notebook next to his english papers. (thought I would be sleeping). Left him a note to Do homework, Do reading log, take supplies to school.
Couldn't sleep, they came home. I did ask about the game. Then asked difficult child if he had any homework, science/math/social...He said, No, I wasn't in class I was testing. So, I repeated the question. He repeated the same answer. I asked if he checked with teachers for the assignments he would have. he said no. I told him to do his reading log. (read 15 minutes write down one thing about what you read) He said he wasn't in class. I reminded him that he has to do this everyday, so do it. difficult child tries to say there is a special form. (there is, but he never uses it because he loses it and ends up just writing it on paper)
I was also thinking it has been 6 weeks since quarter 3 ended, and I haven't seen a report card. So..I asked husband if the report card came. Both of them said, Oh..Yeah it did. Well, when did it come and where is it? Why didn't you let me know? Well, they don't know where it is, and they can't remember any grades or comments. now I am REALLY mad. He leaves all the bills on the table unopened, but I do not ever see any mail from the school. Actually, he doesn't ever tell me if school calls him unless I ask. And if I ask what he did, he makes up some story that I later find out isn't all true.
My dilema now is, I told school to call him. He will not punish or give any consequences to difficult child. He will not tell me either.
So..husband and I were arguing..very loudly, difficult child was crying. I was angry that husband lets difficult child talk to me the way he does,(but husband talks to me that way). Asked him what his father would of done if he spoke that way. something was said and i said it was because of difficult child that we fight. Before him we never fought. I said I am sick and tired of working nights, taking care of all business, dealing with school and not getting any sleep. I told husband it must be nice to work 7 - 3, weekends off and have someone taking care of him. Told him he could never make it on what he makes. husband complained that I sleep. YEAH..I am up all night.
Then went into how husband lies to me and keeps things regarding school and difficult child from me. Called a friend, counselor from elementary school. She is difficult child's best friend. She teaches parenting classes, has been a counselor at that school since easy child went there and before. She spoke to me, telling me it is not difficult child's fault. I said it was. She said it is mine and husband's fault we need to be on the same page. (that will never happen, difficult child does no wrong in husband's eyes) I told her I was worried about next weeks IEP because there will be 12 people saying all these mean and sarchastic things about difficult child...and ME alone. been there done that that is why I know what will happen. She told me if it was scheduled after 3pm she would go, but can't take off of her school hours to go. Elementary gets out at 3pm, middle school at 3:40pm.
I told difficult child, and her that I am all "fought out". I have fought for difficult child for 6 years, alone, and I just can't do it anylonger. difficult child is making it worse for himself. I try to make it better but he just defies everything I say or do. i want to just drive away and never look back. But I love him so much. counselor asked what he does when he gets home. He acts like nothing ever happened. Once in a great while he will say he is sorry, he shouldn't of said, or shouldn't of done, blah, blah, blah..over and over. No more. Damage is done. I can't do it any more. I am completely drained and have no more fight left in me.
Counselor said to go to school and request a copy of all referrals, report cards and other mail to be mailed to ME at a different address. Will do that.
husband wants difficult child to get "fresh air"...that is his excuse on why he never punishes him. I am the bad guy, don't care anylonger. I told both of them the only fresh air he is going to get is TO and FROM school. All he will see will be the inside of that house. How long???? don't know. I will see progress reports on Wednesday (half day.. oh yeah, look forward to that)Told difficult child one week for now because of the way he spoke to me. And, after I look at progress reports could be longer. Told husband I will be in contact with school, just no phone calls so he best tell me what is going on.
i left for work two hours early, drove around and smoked. Had 1.5 hours sleep and am a total wreck.
Totally lost and don't think I can find the peices to pick up.

 

[Marguerite]

I do think the best thing is to leave it ALL with husband for an agreed period of time. I know you feel husband isn't laying down rules, following through, but it's maybe the only way he will "get it". make sure the school knows to contact husband and not to bother you.

Getting copies of homework sent to you (or husband) - brilliant. I hope the school follows through, though - I tried that with difficult child 1. Not only would they not post it home, they only grudgingly left homework in a folder at the school office (for his aide) and permitted me to photocopy stuff from the folder. They had a five step walk to the folder; I had an hour's drive. And often all that was there was a sheet of paper with, "Do exercise 5.4.7 in Chapter 9 by next lesson." No indication of which book or even which subject. No date. Nothing. And they expect kids to be organised?
Then they stopped putting things in the folder.

So good luck.

You need to detach and get husband on side. He needs to learn. Walk away. Do not involve yourself. Become a Stepford Wife if necessary, but don't bite or react. Simply refer all problems to husband. Trust me, husband will either be brilliant and fix all problems, or he will be begging you to help and recognise that you have it tough. But you WILL need to keep your oar out entirely, while husband is in charge.

From things you've written now and in the past, I do think the school is dumping on you far too often. They sound like helpless children, "Oh dear, he cheeked a teacher, send him to the office and call his mother!"
What the...? Surely they're used to him by now? Sending him to the office for answering back or refusing is rewarding him. What I think SHOULD happen - if he ever makes it as far as the office, it should be for a short talk of the sort that used to put fear into al of us, and then get SENT BACK to do a proper day's work in class. Failure to do the work - the work gets sent home.

So - follow through on what you've started. Opt out. Move out if you have to, until your agreed time is up. Make it for a week. two weeks. A month. And move out if you have to, to stop getting involved again. Book yourself into a home for the bewildered; visit your family; visit a friend; go on a religious retreat. But leave THEM to handle things while you recharge your batteries. Moving out like this is NOT leaving home, it's giving yourself some breathing space. My husband is a lovely man and we're very close, but there have been times when he's gone away for a few days, to recharge his batteries and have some peace. On another occasion he moved in with his mother to look after her, for several weeks. I didn't view his absence as a personal rejection, just an acceptance that he needed to be somewhere else.

Good luck. Look after yourself. And I do like your way of handling the homework. I hope it works for you.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I agree with Marg.

You do need a break. Good job on telling husband that it was all in his hands. Now YOU need to follow through. You need to let him do it, even if it is not the way you would. Maybe he will have some new ideas on how to handle difficult child, if only because he is not so beaten down. You need to detatch, even if it drives you nuts to watch them interact, and let him do it his way. Otherwise, well, you really have not turned anything over to him, now, have you?

If he smart-mouths you in the meantime, try to change how you react to it. Grounding him for a week is very unreasonable, although as beaten down as you must feel, I get why you did it. iF he gets fresh with you again, first of all, do NOT expect husband to come to your rescue right away. Don't look at him to do it, and don't ask him to do it. If you have detatched yourself from them completely, husband will probably feel abandoned, rightly or wrongly, and chances are he is not going to be your knight in shining armor right away. Further, do not REACT if difficult child gets smart. It's not easy to do. It takes practice. Don't even look at him, just say "that's nice" and do what you were doing. Walk away. If he follows you, leave. He will eventually give up, after all, you are no longer doling out punishments.

Marg had an excellent idea, there is nothing wrong with you taking a respite for yourself. A weekend, a week, whatever, You need to nurture and care for yourself. You deserve it.

One last thing. Don't ever let your son hear you say that it is his fault. There is nothing more damaging to a child's self esteem. I don't think it is anyone's "fault". It is situational. And you can get through it.

Big hugs and prayers.

 

[Kjs]

husband will NOT tell me anything at school. I fought SO hard for difficult child at school for so many years. husband doesn't go to any meetings. Never has.

husband will not dole out ANY consequences. And difficult child would never think of talking to him that way.

husband will NEVER come to my rescue. I have come to realize that. It's been a very long 13 years. prior to difficult child, we were great. he has slept on the couch or anyplace else EXCEPT our bed. God forbid he might touch me.

I want to detach, but I want my son back. Either I give up on him or I keep fighting. I am scared.

I always look forward to my days off. to spend with difficult child. But ALWAYS ends up in a fight. If I go away, (no friends, no family) I would feel so bad, what IF this were the week difficult child would want me?

How can I not feel it is difficult child's fault. husband and I were good until I got pregnant. Hard, pregnancy,and was ignored the entire time. And ever since. I hear husband tell difficult child he loves him ten times a day. He hasn't told me in atleast 10 YEARS. Let alone hug me or even sleep in the same bed.

Divorce...wouldn't think twice if I could afford it. I could afford an apartment alone. But, husband makes very little. What would happen to difficult child. Where would he live? My whole dream since I was little was to have a house with a backyard and a swing set. I have that. Although my dream was to be a stay at home mom. I can't even afford to be sick.

husband allows difficult child to disrespect me. easy child doesn't want to get involved. He is very close to difficult child. Takes him many places and I like that. A good role model, good places, good people. I asked easy child to talk to him about school. easy child said, "I don't know what to tell you, don't know what you want to hear." Can't he see how hurt I am?

Detatch. I just want my baby back. i want him to stop hurting me. i want him to realize how lucky he is to have the brains and IQ he has. I want him to use that and get a scholarship. Most everyone's difficult child's have such sky high IQ's. I do not understand if they are sooo very smart, can't they see how much they hurt us?

Damage his self esteem? He does that on his own. He knows what is expected, I tell him I love him. Make a point to do so. Even in the midst of a meltdown. Prior to Feb. this year I had to drive 100 miles round trip on the interstate at 65 mph. At night. What if a deer jumped out? What if there was an accident, and I didn't tell him I loved him?

I know husband is suppose to stand for Dear Husband. But when I write it, I say H***. That is how I feel.

 

[timer lady]

I think you need to step back a minute. School shouldn't be calling you every single day with every single issue.

difficult child has not only you & husband, but school running in circles. This young man is triangulating all the adults in his life. It must be a true feeling of power.

Time to take that "power" away from him. I'd let school deal with difficult child - they are the professionals & have dealt with difficult child children in the past.

You & husband must get on the same page. Just to play devil's advocate, you asked husband to step in - he did. You don't care for the results.

Kjs, please stop, take a deep breath then sit down & write down all the concerns. Sort it out.

Personally, I wouldn't take that many calls from school or difficult child - period. husband shouldn't either. Both of you are doing the schools job & enabling difficult child to "rescue" him.

Just my 2 cents on the situation.

 

[Kjs]

husband called school, but he does nothing. to me that tells difficult child that it's ok to do whatever he does. Besides the calls I get on his behavior everyday, I also get calls from him Atleast 3 times a week or more telling me his head hurts, his stomach hurts his leg hurts his ankle hurts..more hurts. I have a bottle of advil at school as well has his migrane pills. All I ever tell him is to take some advil and go back to class. i think he is trying to see if I will come get him. Because, husband doesn't ever make him stay home if he is sick. You know he NEEDS the fresh air, makes him feel better. Even lets him go meet his friends when school gets out. Don't think we will ever be on the same page.

 

[nlg319]

Kjs,

What about therapy for you and husband? Would he be willing to go? My husband and I go every Saturday morning at 8 am for marriage counseling and we spend the whole time talking about the kids and how to deal with them.

Also, if you don't mind me asking, What do you take Strattera for? Do you see a therapist? or psychiatrist? It sounds to me like you may need an anti-depressant?

I feel for you. I have the opposite problem with my husband being stepdad and always hounding all the kids about everything!

 

[Kjs]

Tried a ton of AD, Paxil was the only one that worked. But after about 5 years...I put on 30 pounds in three months. doctor said Paxil dose was extemely high. So I went off. Tried others, but most made my heart feel like it was jumping out of my chest, raised my BiPolar (BP) and just didn't feel right.
I am obssessed with weight gain. I just cannot gain weight. I am 6 ft. tall. If I put on weight I would be a giant.
Before I lost my good job in 2003, I worked out twice a day, walked 5 - 10 miles a night (started off because of difficult child, had to get away) I lost a lot of weight, had muscle, bought all new clothes, and now can't fit in them. Can't fit in any rings either. Not that I would wear my wedding ring even if I could.
psychiatrist...He knows of the home issues and difficult child. I cannot concentrate, so much to learn at new job. So..he gave me Straterra (sp?) He said no weight gain. so, i was good to go. Don't know if it helps though. Spend most of my time with my mind in a really bad place.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Linda is right, you need to step back. You are having a good old fashioned pity party. We ALL do it sometimes, but it accomplishes nothing. It is living in the problem. You need to try and live in the solution.

Many things may have happened to give your son that 360' turn around. He is right on the brink of puberty. Many kids try to disassociate with their same-sex parent around this time. Let it happen, it is a rite of childhood. Let him bond with dad. I know he says hurtful things to you. He does it to get a reaction. When the reactions stop, so will the hurtful things. You NEED to detatch. Yo keep saying you want your baby back, but the hard facts are, he is NOT a baby.

difficult child does not talk to husband in an unacceptable way? THAT is why husband does not dole out consequences. School rules need to be dealt with in school. He should not be punished at home for anything that took place in school.

You said you want him to see how smart he is, and how high his IQ is. You said if his IQ is so high, how can he not see how he is hurting you. Think about that. What is hurting you? Aside from snide remarks. Does it hurt you that he cannot act like a easy child? You must remember, he is NOT a easy child, and you cannot expect him to be one. Do not be disappointed in him for being something he is not.

I stand by my statement, that you should never EVER let difficult child hear that your problems with husband are his fault. They are NOT. My problems with my DEX started when my difficult child were born too. But I do not blame her. If you need to leave husband, leave him. If you think you can never be on the same page as him. There are lawyers that do pro-bono, that is how I got my divorce. If you decide to leave difficult child with husband, then you need to back away and let him do it HIS WAY. This holds true whether you leave husband or not. If you choose to let husband run the show (and I think you should), you have GOT to detatch. You are not going to change husband. Let it go, and see what happens.

May God comfort you during these trying times.

 

[DammitJanet]

I am going to chime in here and agree with the others.

If we had let him Cory could have easily split his father and I up. There have been many times we didnt totally agree on exactly what the proper way to deal with him was...including right now. However, we talked things out in private and let one or the other of us take the lead and the other one of us stayed quiet in the background. I know I am lucky in that his dad would have killed him if he had raised a hand to me when he was young and he knew that.

I think school issues should stay at school and you should have the school call husband if they find a need to report to a parent. That is the only way your husband is going to learn how he is behaving at school.

If you are having this much trouble with your husband over this child I cant see that you have much of a family life right now. I do think a therapist would help you. You need your sleep and to have it interrupted by all these problems is insane. I would make a set in stone time for sleep and no one may interrupt it. Turn off all phones and get that sleep! It wont kill your son if you dont run to school or miss some ball games.

Dont worry about how your husband treats your son over his behavior...that is between them. You worry about how you are going to deal with him on things between the two of you. Completely drop school off your radar and then pick a behavior you want to work on and think of a way to deal with that. I think that will work much better.

 

[Kjs]

Thanks to everyone who responded. husband and I do not talk. Ever. Could not see talking over difficult child's behavior/discipline. We don't talk. His choice. Use to get upset about him not ever talking to me. He talks more to strangers and neighbors than to me. Again, it's been 21 long years that I have been with him. Just got use to being ignored. Don't know if I can get use to not being included in school issues. Like..Not knowing report card came, and neither of them telling me. Why? And they can't remember any grades or comments? Do they think I won't ask for a copy? I just thought all parents shared their kids experiences. finding out more and more of things that are not shared. If they were not about difficult child, i wouldn't care. I don't know if I can detatch. I have fought so long and so hard for him all alone. husband never came to meetings, or IEP, or even talked to his teachers before. I have to do the IEP. I read reports, laws, articles..I have suggestions, and complaints. husband has never gone and he would just agree no matter what. He went to one meeting, and that was when the SW called him for a meeting and they didn't include me or tell me. husband let it slip during an argument. So, I went uninvited and all. I also let her know that. Ok. I am done. I will try not to post anymore.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Honey, you post as often as you need to. Especially as long as you do not have a therapist.

Nobody is judgeing you or blaming you. We are all trying to help you. Please let us.

 

[nlg319]

Please don't feel like you've posted too many times...This is exactly where you should be venting. You have a lot going on. Just wish there was more we could do!

 

[CCRidr2]

KJS,

Because you and husband do not talk and he hasn't been to the school meetings and I assume the psychiatrists or tdocs with you my question is how is he supposed to support you when he is so detached from the situation? He can't know how you are feeling and he can't discipline difficult child if he doesn't know what behaviors he is exhibiting.

Letting him take the reins for awhile will allow him to see these things and how often they occur. You really should let husband see it. Mouthing off to a teacher by our difficult child used to make my husband laugh...not anymore. I began taking breaks, work doesn't count, and let husband handle difficult child. I will tell you that I HATED giving up that control because husband didn't handle difficult child like I do but I HAD to otherwise I would have been back on the AD's faster than you could blink. I still have moments, or days, where I don't like how husband handled something but I just have to remind myself that if I don't want to take the reins back 100%, which I don't (giving them up saved my sanity), I just have to let him deal the way he deals.

If I say something about how he's handling some issue he turns to me and says "Do you want to handle it or did you ask me to?" Since husband finally "got it" about how our difficult child was acting I haven't said that once. When I leave difficult child with husband or ask husband to handle an issue I divorce myself from the situation, go for a walk, take a shower, whatever works best to get me away so that I don't try to step in. I know myself very well and if I don't get out I know I will put my two sense worth in. "You should have...":smile:

I really know what you mean when you say you want your baby back. I did too! I think it may be your situation and a news story last night about what could only be 2-11 yo difficult child's trashing a local business that has made me realize I can't have him back and the road ahead isn't getting any smoother. We all just have to adjust when the difficult child-ness changes as they get older....I try to think back to what he was like before all this and I realized, just last night, that he was ALWAYS like this! We just never realized it, thought it was terrible two's and "boys will be boys" kind of stuff. I know the step back away from your son will hurt, it did me, but it was worth every grain of sanity I regained!

Gentle Hugs and Prayers are being sent!

Cyndi

 

[Sunlight]

kjs,
I was married 32 LM (longmiserable ) years to a man who could not care less about his three sons. I was alone so much the school told me they thought I was a single parent. My then husband had a bad dad, his dad was a bad dad, and on back. my husband was offered to take counseling, medications, parenting classes. he refused. he told them if I didnt like him I could take medications to learn to live with him.

point was I was so alone that I got more and more aggressive in defending my sons, seeking out solutions and reaching out to other people. I needed to ask others for input, wanted to be heard whether I was crying, laughing or whatever!! I needed a partner. life was hard alone.

one day I decided to leave husband. I was alone anyway.

if you love your husband stay. get others to be what he cannot be. get input from other parents, women and family if they will listen. I am one of 7 kids. only one brother and one sister will listen when I say the word TONY (what I call ant).

Ant's dad let him verbally abuse me say F you to me and would not make ant listen to me. when I punished husband would give in. I ahd no say at all. they tag teamed against me. it was funny as I knew ant respected what I said but he knew dad would let him have his way. it was a family divided. it still is. my easy child son has always been on my side, ant and his dad on the other. now though, ant will have nothing to do with his dad other than to get stuff from him, money and rides if he can. easy child son never speaks to his father. ever.

I say let your husband have the son. let him be in charge. let go. take care of you if no one is listening. go get counseling yourself. it gave me the strength to leave my D^&* Head ex. lol
it made me know I would rather starve in a mud floor house than live like that. I was going to matter and be heard.

you did nothing wrong you are trying to be a good mom. you have a family war going on and you are the enemy. take care of you and if they wont listen, let them be on their own.

I thought I could not afford my house. I am still here. I am still standing.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

There is one other thing that needs mentioning, when you start to feel guilty about leaving difficult child for your husband to handle. If you start feeling like you are not a good mom, or that you gave up, remember this:

You cannot be a strong mom until you are a strong person. And right now, you are run down and exhausted. You are like a car running on fumes. You need a tune up. Maybe even an overhaul. Oohh, a paint job! Take some "me" time and get a spa treatment.

You DESERVE it.

 

[KFld]

I agree with bigbadkitty, if you don't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of anyone else.

Sounds like this problem starts with you and husband's relationship. It is impossible to be on the same page with your son if you and your husband don't communicate. I think that is the first thing you should try and address. Do you want to remain married to husband if you could improve your relationship?? I would ask him the same questions. My husband and I became very stressed in regards to many things in our relationship and then throw in a difficult child and there were times we were seriously considering divorce. We found an awesome counselor who was able to get both of us to see what we needed to do to remain married, have a good relationship and most of all, be a united front when it came to our children. As far as she was concerned, if we couldn't be a united front, then there was no hope for difficult child turning himself around and us staying together and having a healthy family relationship. It wasn't easy, but we both learned some tools that years later, I know I use, and we have a much better marriage and we both have a much better relationship with difficult child. I always pretty much had a good relationship with difficult child, but husband and difficult child got along horribly for a while. Now, not only does difficult child tell me he loves me every single time he calls, but he tells husband the same thing.