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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738799" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have no ideas.</p><p></p><p>I just want to say that it is very hard. We are all in the same place at some point or another. Where we just do not know what to do or where to turn. And there is nobody to help and we feel all alone. And each day is just like the last. And we do not know how we are going to do it. And how we can survive a life that is so hard.</p><p></p><p>And in my case I found this site, and I began to make a different kind of life for myself.</p><p></p><p>First I want to tell you that i know how hard it is when you are ill. But the thing is when you are ill, it is more important that you become the center of your life. Even more when there is so much stress and worry around you.</p><p></p><p>My life is not so hard, really. I have a lot of good things going on. But I feel a great deal of despair because of bad things that happened to me in my life, and because the dream that was my son, has not turned out so good. And because I feel that his inability to thrive defines me and my own life.</p><p></p><p>I worked very hard to have dreams in my life and to make them come true. And in the end, I am defined by failure. It is like I could not outrun my past.</p><p></p><p>So. What does that have to do with you? Why is this woman (me) on my thread complaining?</p><p></p><p>This is why.</p><p></p><p>There are always things we can do. <em><u>For us</u></em>. Even when we think we can't. We can cry. I am not being sarcastic here. We can really let go and wail. We can lament. We can rage. We do not deserve this! And we do not. You do not.</p><p></p><p>Now. What to do?</p><p></p><p>What I am seeing is that as long as I define myself and my life in terms of my son, I am on the losing side. As long as I define myself by my sadness, and my ill health, I am on the losing side. But that does not mean I do not own it. I can be ill, but I can be other things too.</p><p></p><p>If I can do one thing, on the plus column, I begin to win.</p><p></p><p>I know you work, are alone, have a great deal of responsibility. And I know you do this despite being ill, and very tired and weak.</p><p></p><p>To me, you are a hero. Do you ever think of yourself that way? You are. So am I, but I am usually busy trashing myself because of how I failed my son, my mother, my sister, etc. And thereby failed myself. I can be very tiresome.</p><p></p><p>But I am trying to find another way.</p><p> </p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I want to recommend a book. It is one of those horses mouth books. The author is Hans Selye. And the book is called, <u>The Stress of Life</u>. He wrote the book on stress probably 100 years ago, maybe less. He invented the concept. And the gist of it, as I remember it, is that stress causes illness. And it makes any existing illness worse. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">We are our own special flower. In the years I have been on this board, that is the richest concept I have acquired. There was a member, ScentofCedar, who for a time was very active here. I miss her still, and it has been years, that she has been gone. And it was thru posting to her and Swot, that I decided that i would be my own special flower. And that I would protect me. I would build a fence. And I would see that nobody trampled me. And I would for sure stop trampling myself. I would give myself water. And I would tell myself I was a fine, good, and beautiful little flower.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p><p>I am reading the bible every morning and evening. I enrolled in a foreign language class. I was exercising. I was walking. I will again. I have taken up knitting. I am going to get Netflix and Turner Classic Movies. I am making a new friend. I am calling old ones. I am cutting slips of neighborhood plants, and putting them in dollar store pots and making a potted plant garden. I will write morning pages. (Julia Cameron book, on creativity) I have tried to meditate. I have been talking about going to AA, or Al anon. So far except for one meeting, it is all talk. (AA in most meetings will accept anybody.) It would help me to learn to live a day at a time. I found a therapist a few months ago. I have a spiritual director. I am cleaning and organizing my whole house. Oh. I forgot the one that really makes me excited. I am taking a class on prayer.</p><p></p><p>Two years ago I did not one of these things.</p><p></p><p>(All I did was lay in bed and compulsively shop online.)</p><p></p><p>And if i look at my life this way, in terms of the small and big things I do to be better, and keep myself from defining myself with my locus of control in my son, my life is rich. Or maybe not rich, getting richer. And your life can be too.</p><p></p><p>All of those choices I made had to have come from a decision and a commitment to care for and treasure myself. Sometimes I lose sight of that because I become very sad. And it seems that the more I treat myself better, and listen to myself, the more I am forced to confront suffering that I had long buried. So. It is a process.</p><p></p><p>You see. To really be my own special flower, is to accept how vulnerable and unprotected I was before. This is the hard part. The two are of a piece. The acknowledgement of pain and vulnerability, and the acceptance of such, and the decision to act in our own behalf.</p><p></p><p>I am suggesting that you make a commitment to your health. Independent of all of the tribulations and stress that are present. And to try to make yourself, for an hour a day, or so, the center of your own life. Maybe it will be during break at work, when you read affirmations. Or giving yourself a half hour at night to sit and read. But the important thing is to acknowledge yourself. To make it conscious. To acknowledge your efforts. And to acknowledge your feelings.</p><p></p><p>For me, posting helps. When I write these posts, I dig down into myself and find some truth that I had not before acknowledged. So. Thank you very much for letting me show up on your thread. I hope you stay with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738799, member: 18958"] I have no ideas. I just want to say that it is very hard. We are all in the same place at some point or another. Where we just do not know what to do or where to turn. And there is nobody to help and we feel all alone. And each day is just like the last. And we do not know how we are going to do it. And how we can survive a life that is so hard. And in my case I found this site, and I began to make a different kind of life for myself. First I want to tell you that i know how hard it is when you are ill. But the thing is when you are ill, it is more important that you become the center of your life. Even more when there is so much stress and worry around you. My life is not so hard, really. I have a lot of good things going on. But I feel a great deal of despair because of bad things that happened to me in my life, and because the dream that was my son, has not turned out so good. And because I feel that his inability to thrive defines me and my own life. I worked very hard to have dreams in my life and to make them come true. And in the end, I am defined by failure. It is like I could not outrun my past. So. What does that have to do with you? Why is this woman (me) on my thread complaining? This is why. There are always things we can do. [I][U]For us[/U][/I]. Even when we think we can't. We can cry. I am not being sarcastic here. We can really let go and wail. We can lament. We can rage. We do not deserve this! And we do not. You do not. Now. What to do? What I am seeing is that as long as I define myself and my life in terms of my son, I am on the losing side. As long as I define myself by my sadness, and my ill health, I am on the losing side. But that does not mean I do not own it. I can be ill, but I can be other things too. If I can do one thing, on the plus column, I begin to win. I know you work, are alone, have a great deal of responsibility. And I know you do this despite being ill, and very tired and weak. To me, you are a hero. Do you ever think of yourself that way? You are. So am I, but I am usually busy trashing myself because of how I failed my son, my mother, my sister, etc. And thereby failed myself. I can be very tiresome. But I am trying to find another way. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I want to recommend a book. It is one of those horses mouth books. The author is Hans Selye. And the book is called, [U]The Stress of Life[/U]. He wrote the book on stress probably 100 years ago, maybe less. He invented the concept. And the gist of it, as I remember it, is that stress causes illness. And it makes any existing illness worse. We are our own special flower. In the years I have been on this board, that is the richest concept I have acquired. There was a member, ScentofCedar, who for a time was very active here. I miss her still, and it has been years, that she has been gone. And it was thru posting to her and Swot, that I decided that i would be my own special flower. And that I would protect me. I would build a fence. And I would see that nobody trampled me. And I would for sure stop trampling myself. I would give myself water. And I would tell myself I was a fine, good, and beautiful little flower. [/COLOR][/LEFT] I am reading the bible every morning and evening. I enrolled in a foreign language class. I was exercising. I was walking. I will again. I have taken up knitting. I am going to get Netflix and Turner Classic Movies. I am making a new friend. I am calling old ones. I am cutting slips of neighborhood plants, and putting them in dollar store pots and making a potted plant garden. I will write morning pages. (Julia Cameron book, on creativity) I have tried to meditate. I have been talking about going to AA, or Al anon. So far except for one meeting, it is all talk. (AA in most meetings will accept anybody.) It would help me to learn to live a day at a time. I found a therapist a few months ago. I have a spiritual director. I am cleaning and organizing my whole house. Oh. I forgot the one that really makes me excited. I am taking a class on prayer. Two years ago I did not one of these things. (All I did was lay in bed and compulsively shop online.) And if i look at my life this way, in terms of the small and big things I do to be better, and keep myself from defining myself with my locus of control in my son, my life is rich. Or maybe not rich, getting richer. And your life can be too. All of those choices I made had to have come from a decision and a commitment to care for and treasure myself. Sometimes I lose sight of that because I become very sad. And it seems that the more I treat myself better, and listen to myself, the more I am forced to confront suffering that I had long buried. So. It is a process. You see. To really be my own special flower, is to accept how vulnerable and unprotected I was before. This is the hard part. The two are of a piece. The acknowledgement of pain and vulnerability, and the acceptance of such, and the decision to act in our own behalf. I am suggesting that you make a commitment to your health. Independent of all of the tribulations and stress that are present. And to try to make yourself, for an hour a day, or so, the center of your own life. Maybe it will be during break at work, when you read affirmations. Or giving yourself a half hour at night to sit and read. But the important thing is to acknowledge yourself. To make it conscious. To acknowledge your efforts. And to acknowledge your feelings. For me, posting helps. When I write these posts, I dig down into myself and find some truth that I had not before acknowledged. So. Thank you very much for letting me show up on your thread. I hope you stay with us. [/QUOTE]
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