Really bad night

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by cameronellis, May 1, 2008.

  1. cameronellis

    cameronellis New Member

    After a couple of relatively quiet days, my son is on the warpath again. As I mentioned before when he defied me and my ex last weekend and spent the whole weekend running around with his friends like he had done nothing wrong, I took away his phone and internet access.

    And like I also told you, when I punish him, he punishes me.

    I guess he decided that he has been punished long enough and asked for the phone back. When I told him "no" he went into a rant and rave about how he needs his phone to talk to his friends and how terrible a mother I am to take his phone. I just ignored him.

    We have been informed that our lease will not be renewed because of his behavior around the community. One specific complaint was his always being in the computer room hanging out with a large group of kids who don't even live here when kids are not allowed in at all without a parent. He knows this is part of the problem and that he is not allowed in there.

    So in a move typical of him, he informed me that if I didn't give him his phone back, he was going into the computer room so he could talk to his friends ( who he saw at school today) on myspace. He advised me that he didn't care that he wasn't supposed to be in there and I was forcing him to go in there by not giving him back his phone.

    I would not give in to the blackmail and he went off to use the computer.

    When he came back, he was furious that I hadn't given in to the blackmail and was as hateful and nasty as he could be; yelling at me, telling me to shut up, dismissing me from his room, telling me how much he hates me and can't wait to get away from me.

    I dread the weekend. I really truly do. It is going to be constant non stop "making me pay" for not giving him back the phone. I can avoid him all day by taking my younger son to Chuck e Cheese or something, but at night I'll have to come home.

    There will be no peace at all, but he will not get that phone back.

    I feel such an overwhelming desire to just get away from him sometimes that I feel so guilty. I have friends who say they could never go on vacation without their kids. I can't imagine what that is like. My youger son doesn't give me many problems, except that he talks constantly which is very annoying because I am always so irritable and angry from dealing with his brother. But even as much as I enjoy him, I need a break from the stress of my homelife.

    I went on a cruise with my fiance in January and I can't tell you how wonderful it felt! Eight days and seven nights of drama free, tension free, responsibility free, conflict free rest, relaxation and fun. Each night as I sat on the balcony looking at the water, I was so sad to see another day closer to going home.

    I really started to miss my younger son, but I didn't miss my older son at all. It pains me as a mother to say that,but I really didn't. I was just relieved to not have to deal with him and have anyone in my face shouting at me disrespecting me, breaking things, complaining.

    It takes a tremendous amount of self control not to slap the taste out of his mouth when he talks to me like that. I would never associate with anyone else who spoke to me like that, let alone house, clothe, feed, comfort, and chauffer him.

    It was great to see the little one again,but I hated going home. And sure enough as soon as I got home the drama started again.

    Since I've been reading this board, I have come to believe that there is nothing actually wrong with my son. He is simply a spoiled brat, who can't stand not getting his own way. I don't think he is mentally ill, or emotionally disturbed. I think he is just a jerk who enjoys being a jerk and getting his own way at other people's expense.

    He is on a power trip right now feeling like he can say and do whatever he wants to and that there is nothing that I can do about it.

    We'll see about that. He can torture me all he wants, but we'll see if he ever gets a phone again in my house. I am not evil, and vindictive like he is, but I am just as stubborn.

    Right now he has his TV sky high trying to make me come in and ask him to turn it off so he can have the opportunity to yell at me again and tell me to get out of his room.

    I'm putting my i-pod in my ears and going to sleep.

    Only one more day to hide at work before having to come home and face my wretched home life for 48 hours..
  2. Christy

    Christy New Member

    So sorry! I understand how you feel. I love my son dearly but he can be very unlikable at times and I think it is possible to both love and dislike someone at the same time. You have a right to feel angry about how you are being treated but bear in mind that some of the issues you are facing may be do to a mental health condition that is making him "a jerk." If you have not had him evaluated it is worth the effort. I'm sure someone has probably recommended the book, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It offers practical advice for dealing with difficult children. Taking time for yourself is a great way to recharge and you are fortunate to have an opportunity to do so at times, no need to feel guilty about enjoying kid-free time! Taking care of ourselves makes it easier to deal with the challenges we face.
    Hang in there!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why do you think there's nothing wrong with him? Have you ever had him evaluated? Here are a few questions that can help us try to help you.

    1/How old is he and how was his early development? Did he talk on time, make good eye contact, interact normally with peers, potty on time, have no problems with transitions, play with toys the right way?

    2/Are there are mood disorders or substance abuse on either side of his biological family tree. Psychiatric disorders are inherited. Substance abuse is a big red flag for mood disorders. Spoiled kids do not necessarily act out at all--they just expect material things, but don't break windows if they don't get their way.

    3/Has he been evaluated recently by, at best, a neuropsychologist or, as a second best, a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD).

    You may want to do a signature like I have below. Kids who act very out-of-the-box usually have disorders, sometimes serious, that need attention and normal methods of parenting do not work with these kids. However, that does not make them "bad"--just wired differently. I strongly suggest a neuropsychologist evaluation, especially if the family genetic pool is problematic, but even if not. His behavior is far, far from a typical child, even if he's a teen.

    Others will come along too with other advice. I would purchase "The Explosisve Child" by Ross Greene as a starting point, but I'd still schedule that neuropsychologist appointment. ASAP. Often it can take several months to get in, because NeuroPsychs are in demand--they do good jobs of diagnosing. If there is nothing wrong, they'll tell you.
  4. cameronellis

    cameronellis New Member

    Answers are above.
  5. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm really sorry you are having such a bad time right now. I don't have answers for you, but I do have a question. Why isn't your son living with his father!? I raised girls myself, but I think such a headstrong, disrespectful teenage boy needs to be raised by a very, very strong FATHER.
  6. cameronellis

    cameronellis New Member

    Because his father is off living his own life and doesn't want the responsibility of actually having to raise a child. It is much easier for him to blame everything on me.

    I'm not that sure that he would be that helpful anyway. When I tell him about our son's punishing me for not letting him have his way, his answer is for me to just let him have his way to keep the peace.

    Obviously what I am doing is not working, but somehow I doubt that letting a 14 year old run wild with no resistence is a good idea.