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Really doubting my decison
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 751140" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>From an Al Anon perspective, I will say that in my opinion your parents are doing exactly what your daughter does and it isn't in my opinion okay just because they are your parents and the Bible says to honor them.</p><p></p><p>Your parents are throwing their version of a tantrum because you will not do what they want, which is to enable your undeserving daughter and allowing her to drive your car. They did this to your brother. Did it work? Did you agree with how they handled him?</p><p></p><p>Being kind and respectful to our parents doesn't guarantee that they will do the same to us. Your parents spent a lifetime rescuing your brother and to them it is normal to allow our younger adults to waste their lives, even kill themselves, with no push from us to do better or to give out any consequences. So this is normal to them and maybe in their minds they were great parents to your brother, even though he is getting older now and not better.</p><p></p><p>Is it possible they feel good when they rescue the one going the wrong way. You said they seemed to favor your brother over the nice one, you. This is in my opinion a form of skewed thinking and behavior. But they want you to do the same skewed thing.</p><p></p><p>Some people I have met very sadly had to either tell their older parents NO or be treated coldly by them for not doing what they wanted them to do.</p><p></p><p>You cant change your parents but you have the ability and intelligence to sit for a few days, not react, and speak to your heart and higher self. Would making your parents not upset with you make things better for your daughter? For you?</p><p></p><p>I know that if my very old, very supportive parents tried to force my dear husband and I to let Kay drive our car, we would be shocked and hurt but would NOT give in. I love my parents to the universe, but I am an older adult too and Kay is my daughter, not theirs. I would have to pull back, not do it, and get over it with the help of Al Anon and my therapist. I am over 60 and lived a good life. I don't need my parents to tell me what choices to make anymore, no matter how.much I love them. And at first they did enable Kay, but stopped when we asked them to stop. Its about mutual respect.</p><p></p><p>Our parents do not always do the right things for us. They are human, after all. It is up.to us to be strong and do what we feel is our very best. We do not have to turn into that little.kid again if a parent dislikes our decisions. We can remain kind but let them act how they will. Like our kids, we can not change them. We can only control our own behavior. Your parents are allowing your daughter to strain your relationship. They don't have to. in my opinion this is on them. Try to work on it in therapy. </p><p></p><p>Kay had three cars that we bought her and she cracked them all up. The last accident was a DUI. Children were in the car she hit. She could have killed five innocent people.</p><p></p><p>That was the last time we ever bought her a car or let her drive our own.</p><p> We did not want blood on our hands. And to us letting her drive would be doing that, so nobody could have talked us into doing it.</p><p></p><p>Your parents are in my opinion crossing a boundary to subtly telling you that you are not doing the right thing by not letting your daughter drive your car. And my good sense also says that they are not making the right decision.</p><p></p><p>I hope you sit with this, put the hurt aside, and ask yourself what you truly feel is right, parent's aside.</p><p></p><p>This is hard, but we own who we are and what we stand for by doing what we know in our hearts is the best option. Nobody ought sway us by emotional blackmail. Jmo.</p><p></p><p>I would not have sent one word to my daughter. But even if I paid for her next home, which we did and I don't recommend, this daughter would be living elsewhere, sooner rather than later. Words to these kids are only to be used against us. I put nothing on paper/text to Kay.</p><p></p><p>Be well and God is with you always.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 751140, member: 23706"] From an Al Anon perspective, I will say that in my opinion your parents are doing exactly what your daughter does and it isn't in my opinion okay just because they are your parents and the Bible says to honor them. Your parents are throwing their version of a tantrum because you will not do what they want, which is to enable your undeserving daughter and allowing her to drive your car. They did this to your brother. Did it work? Did you agree with how they handled him? Being kind and respectful to our parents doesn't guarantee that they will do the same to us. Your parents spent a lifetime rescuing your brother and to them it is normal to allow our younger adults to waste their lives, even kill themselves, with no push from us to do better or to give out any consequences. So this is normal to them and maybe in their minds they were great parents to your brother, even though he is getting older now and not better. Is it possible they feel good when they rescue the one going the wrong way. You said they seemed to favor your brother over the nice one, you. This is in my opinion a form of skewed thinking and behavior. But they want you to do the same skewed thing. Some people I have met very sadly had to either tell their older parents NO or be treated coldly by them for not doing what they wanted them to do. You cant change your parents but you have the ability and intelligence to sit for a few days, not react, and speak to your heart and higher self. Would making your parents not upset with you make things better for your daughter? For you? I know that if my very old, very supportive parents tried to force my dear husband and I to let Kay drive our car, we would be shocked and hurt but would NOT give in. I love my parents to the universe, but I am an older adult too and Kay is my daughter, not theirs. I would have to pull back, not do it, and get over it with the help of Al Anon and my therapist. I am over 60 and lived a good life. I don't need my parents to tell me what choices to make anymore, no matter how.much I love them. And at first they did enable Kay, but stopped when we asked them to stop. Its about mutual respect. Our parents do not always do the right things for us. They are human, after all. It is up.to us to be strong and do what we feel is our very best. We do not have to turn into that little.kid again if a parent dislikes our decisions. We can remain kind but let them act how they will. Like our kids, we can not change them. We can only control our own behavior. Your parents are allowing your daughter to strain your relationship. They don't have to. in my opinion this is on them. Try to work on it in therapy. Kay had three cars that we bought her and she cracked them all up. The last accident was a DUI. Children were in the car she hit. She could have killed five innocent people. That was the last time we ever bought her a car or let her drive our own. We did not want blood on our hands. And to us letting her drive would be doing that, so nobody could have talked us into doing it. Your parents are in my opinion crossing a boundary to subtly telling you that you are not doing the right thing by not letting your daughter drive your car. And my good sense also says that they are not making the right decision. I hope you sit with this, put the hurt aside, and ask yourself what you truly feel is right, parent's aside. This is hard, but we own who we are and what we stand for by doing what we know in our hearts is the best option. Nobody ought sway us by emotional blackmail. Jmo. I would not have sent one word to my daughter. But even if I paid for her next home, which we did and I don't recommend, this daughter would be living elsewhere, sooner rather than later. Words to these kids are only to be used against us. I put nothing on paper/text to Kay. Be well and God is with you always. [/QUOTE]
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