Really doubting my decison

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Aug 26, 2019.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    So my parents are not talking to me. I did see my dad when me and the two younger kids got back from our mini camping trip. We drove up to visit my husband while he was hunting. I did hug my dad and say hi, and my dad usually talks to me, but he just left with my oldest to drive her to her job. He usually stays with us but he didn't this time.

    This morning my mom texted me asking if my daughter could use our Yukon to go to her class tonight, just this one time. My first thought is why is she asking me this, then I thought probably not, then I thought, well even if I wanted to I couldn't because my husband has it and the other car key is on his key ring and we only have that key. I felt like it's a kid telling their friend to ask their mom if they could spend the night because she won't tell you no.

    Then the last part of my mom's message was "Using our car on a temporarily until she can get her own. Needs a car especially now that she can't stay there after September".

    So I sent my daughter a long text message. I know she will probably screen shot it and send it to my mom. I basically said. "I've never said anything to disrespectful to them and this is what I get? I've never taken advantage of them or taken money from them and this is what I get? It's all about setting boundaries, because I can't control people, I can't predict the future, nor can I change the past. I can only set my own boundaries and control my own actions here and now. I really hope you get your life together and me having to sacrifice my relationship with my parents will be kind of worth it. I am sorry I can't help they way they think I should be helping. I am not going to get sucked into this mess and be a depressed unhappy stressed out mom. Just know that I love you and have faith in your abilities in this up hill battle you have ahead of you."

    I feel my daughter should know the strain this has put our relationship because of her choices the past 3 years.

    Then I start thinking well, maybe we should let her stay, maybe it won't be that bad. She's trying now....
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    From an Al Anon perspective, I will say that in my opinion your parents are doing exactly what your daughter does and it isn't in my opinion okay just because they are your parents and the Bible says to honor them.

    Your parents are throwing their version of a tantrum because you will not do what they want, which is to enable your undeserving daughter and allowing her to drive your car. They did this to your brother. Did it work? Did you agree with how they handled him?

    Being kind and respectful to our parents doesn't guarantee that they will do the same to us. Your parents spent a lifetime rescuing your brother and to them it is normal to allow our younger adults to waste their lives, even kill themselves, with no push from us to do better or to give out any consequences. So this is normal to them and maybe in their minds they were great parents to your brother, even though he is getting older now and not better.

    Is it possible they feel good when they rescue the one going the wrong way. You said they seemed to favor your brother over the nice one, you. This is in my opinion a form of skewed thinking and behavior. But they want you to do the same skewed thing.

    Some people I have met very sadly had to either tell their older parents NO or be treated coldly by them for not doing what they wanted them to do.

    You cant change your parents but you have the ability and intelligence to sit for a few days, not react, and speak to your heart and higher self. Would making your parents not upset with you make things better for your daughter? For you?

    I know that if my very old, very supportive parents tried to force my dear husband and I to let Kay drive our car, we would be shocked and hurt but would NOT give in. I love my parents to the universe, but I am an older adult too and Kay is my daughter, not theirs. I would have to pull back, not do it, and get over it with the help of Al Anon and my therapist. I am over 60 and lived a good life. I don't need my parents to tell me what choices to make anymore, no matter how.much I love them. And at first they did enable Kay, but stopped when we asked them to stop. Its about mutual respect.

    Our parents do not always do the right things for us. They are human, after all. It is us to be strong and do what we feel is our very best. We do not have to turn into that little.kid again if a parent dislikes our decisions. We can remain kind but let them act how they will. Like our kids, we can not change them. We can only control our own behavior. Your parents are allowing your daughter to strain your relationship. They don't have to. in my opinion this is on them. Try to work on it in therapy.

    Kay had three cars that we bought her and she cracked them all up. The last accident was a DUI. Children were in the car she hit. She could have killed five innocent people.

    That was the last time we ever bought her a car or let her drive our own.
    We did not want blood on our hands. And to us letting her drive would be doing that, so nobody could have talked us into doing it.

    Your parents are in my opinion crossing a boundary to subtly telling you that you are not doing the right thing by not letting your daughter drive your car. And my good sense also says that they are not making the right decision.

    I hope you sit with this, put the hurt aside, and ask yourself what you truly feel is right, parent's aside.

    This is hard, but we own who we are and what we stand for by doing what we know in our hearts is the best option. Nobody ought sway us by emotional blackmail. Jmo.

    I would not have sent one word to my daughter. But even if I paid for her next home, which we did and I don't recommend, this daughter would be living elsewhere, sooner rather than later. Words to these kids are only to be used against us. I put nothing on paper/text to Kay.

    Be well and God is with you always.
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2019
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    By the way, your daughter KNOWS how she is messing up your relationship with your parents. That is on purpose. She is not a nice lady right now. She wants to hurt you and have them on her side and they oblige her. Do you really think she doesn't know or really cares? Your letter confirms what she knows in my opinion. I ache for you.

    In my opinion, they are all doing wrong to you. Sounds to me as if you were always the one to get picked on in your family. You don't deserve it. Don't allow it by getting involved that way.
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2019
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    She needs to figure out the public transportation and bus routes. If she's desperate enough she can call Uber. It must be fairly cheap because people here are calling Uber 24 hours a day. They're doing a booming business. I have no idea what the rates are in your city.
  5. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Thank you @BusynMember I appreciate you sharing your situation.

    @Crayola13 she knows the bus system around here. She calls my mom to give her Uber rides since she has no credit cards
  6. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    So my mom called me. Asking why she has to be out by the end of September and do I think it's right to kick her out when she's pregnant? I said I was not kicking her out and that I made her aware of this deadline before I knew she was even pregnant and she was ok with it, because this has been going on since October, when they moved. I did remind her that the end of September was coming. I told my mom she's had plenty of opportunities to make better for herself. When she was living with them and when they left, she continued her path of partying and not being around her daughter. She only stopped drinking because she found out she was pregnant, but made it seem like, Oh, yea, I stopped drinking because I want things to be better. It did make her a tad bit more responsible by actually seeing her daughter more and on a regular basis, but that's about it. I told my mom, so that just because she wants to get her life together, like the last 3 weeks, I am supposed to just drop what I'm doing to assist her? She should of thought about getting a full-time job a long time ago and now that she's 7 months pregnant she's suddenly realized she needs to do something. All of this is a result of all her choices she's made up until this point and this is where she's at because of it. Why is it continually and suddenly we have to do something about this? Why WE?

    I told my daughter that my mom called me she said don't stress and that everything is good.

    I even brought up my brother, look you guys still help him, and where is he at now? Still doing the same thing... She said she hasn't spoken to him in about 3 months.
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Jmo and more from what I learned in Al Anon.

    You don't have to defend yourself to anybody. Nobody. Or listen to anybody else's two cents. That includes your parents.

    I hope you find your way faster than we did.
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2019
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Did Dez make it to class last night?
  9. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Yes, she made it to class, not sure how and I believe she has my parents car now. My mom said they are loaning it to her temporarily until she can afford a car.....that's going to be a long time, but it's not my business, but they make my decisions their business.

    @BusynMember - you are correct! I don't have to defend myself or my decisions to anyone. I don't call my mom and dad and tell them about their enabling ways or tell them they are wrong for what they are doing. Like yesterday, I know my dad was scrambling around trying to find my brother a vehicle so that they can give my daughter theirs. It's crazy!

    This guy that she says is the dad is no longer in the picture. He wants a DNA test, but not sure she will even put in the effort to do that. Just before my granddaughter was born her boyfriend cheated on her and that's when she came live with us. Then after 4 months of being with her daughter, she started working at the strip club and drinking. I am just afraid this same thing will happen this time around, only this baby won't have a dad to go to.

    I told her about a job here at my work. All she has to do is send in her resume, but she's dragging her feet. It would only be answering phones and she can only work until or about October 22nd, which is when the baby is due. It's full-time work until the baby is born. Good money, but again, she's dragging her feet. I would think as someone who needs money and a job would jump at this opportunity, since it will be hard to find a job at this stage in her pregnancy.
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Oh Daisy. It is so hard. The excuses they make!!!

    Why can't our daughters work when they have babies? I don't get it. Everyone else who needs money gets state help with childcare and they go back to work

    Kay is lazy so she says she is a stay at home mother and will not trust Jaden to childcare and she lives four hours away from us so we cant babysit. She brings THAT up too, as though SHE wasn't the one who moved!

    In the end, my Kay is lazy and doesn't want to work or even put on make up and decent clothes for work. Now she has never said these things, but I know Kay too well.

    Its not as if she is cooking and cleaning and playing with Jaden. She often sits on the couch and calls "Jaden, bring me my (object)." Kay just does not want to work. Its Its maddening.
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm glad she made it to class and that the car is still in one piece. I really hope she does well and sticks with it. Above all, I hope she's not drinking anymore and applies for housing assistance. She got the Pell grant, which shows some motivation on her part. I understand why you don't want to get your hopes up.