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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 575727" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>PG, I've been reading this with interest. I think Nancy gave you some very valuable insight which you may want to share with your difficult child. Perhaps if she can look down the road a bit, and try to figure out what is best for the baby, she may be able to consider other options right now. It is a possible heartbreak no matter how you look at it. Nancy's story about adoption is very sad. I have a biological daughter who had all the benefits Nancy's adopted daughter had and my daughter ended up in a very similar life as Nancy's. Having children is a risk even when they are your bio kids.</p><p></p><p>As far as the grandparent side of it, it can get dicey. I stayed out of my daughter's parenting life until my granddaughter was 11 when I found out some things I hadn't known that my granddaughter shared with me, and that was the final straw. However, from the moment she was born, even though I wasn't actually raising her, I was the responsible adult she could count on. I was the one who arranged a lot, paid for a lot, listened, took action, went to talk to the teachers, insisted on certain appointments, got her into camp, plays, after school activities, was there when my difficult child acted badly, was there ALL THE TIME. And now I am raising her. We went through some pretty hard times in the beginning. It's not been easy. I tell you this because it appears you are about to embark on a similar journey. Stepping in and out to care for your grandchild has it's ups and downs and big time sorrows too. For me, it turned around and I can see how taking my granddaughter, although a very difficult choice for many, many reasons, has turned out to be an enormous positive. She turned all kinds of corners and is a wonderful kid. Therapy, time, patience, support, lots of love and a wonderful fiance who she just adores, all worked in our favor. But, just so you know, it is not an easy path with our own difficult child's, their parenting skills or lack thereof, the desire to help when you can't, being manipulated in when you don't want to be there............it's pretty tiring. And, we're in our 60's and believe me when I tell you this, raising kids when you are older is an ENTIRELY different experience on so many levels, only one of which is that you are just TIRED!! I just don't have the robust energy I had at 30 something when my daughter was a teenager. You don't have the same patience either. But, there are also many joys too, it's clearly a mixed bag. I feel lucky because my granddaughter is not afflicted with a mental illness and has a very normal personality, is kind, compassionate, funny, smart, does very well in school, is respectful, etc. It could have easily gone the other way and I would be raising another difficult child. Which is the risk you face. Sigh. </p><p></p><p>I'm sharing my experience so you can look at the whole picture. It's easier for us to say we won't involve ourselves in the child's life, but really, once you look at that baby, who resembles YOU or your husband, it's really hard to turn your back. And, then what? Do you raise that child? Our difficult child's have no real clue what it's like to be a parent, and even once they are, they can remain clueless and leave that child at risk. </p><p></p><p>What a remarkable ocean of different feelings and desires and thoughts.............there is no right or wrong, you and she will do what you do and find your way..........and if/when a baby comes you'll all deal with it and make choices along the way. My heart goes out to you, you are at the mercy of the choices she is making and has made and a new life is on it's way...............(((HUGS)))) We're all here for you, this tattered and tired tribe of moms..............you're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 575727, member: 13542"] PG, I've been reading this with interest. I think Nancy gave you some very valuable insight which you may want to share with your difficult child. Perhaps if she can look down the road a bit, and try to figure out what is best for the baby, she may be able to consider other options right now. It is a possible heartbreak no matter how you look at it. Nancy's story about adoption is very sad. I have a biological daughter who had all the benefits Nancy's adopted daughter had and my daughter ended up in a very similar life as Nancy's. Having children is a risk even when they are your bio kids. As far as the grandparent side of it, it can get dicey. I stayed out of my daughter's parenting life until my granddaughter was 11 when I found out some things I hadn't known that my granddaughter shared with me, and that was the final straw. However, from the moment she was born, even though I wasn't actually raising her, I was the responsible adult she could count on. I was the one who arranged a lot, paid for a lot, listened, took action, went to talk to the teachers, insisted on certain appointments, got her into camp, plays, after school activities, was there when my difficult child acted badly, was there ALL THE TIME. And now I am raising her. We went through some pretty hard times in the beginning. It's not been easy. I tell you this because it appears you are about to embark on a similar journey. Stepping in and out to care for your grandchild has it's ups and downs and big time sorrows too. For me, it turned around and I can see how taking my granddaughter, although a very difficult choice for many, many reasons, has turned out to be an enormous positive. She turned all kinds of corners and is a wonderful kid. Therapy, time, patience, support, lots of love and a wonderful fiance who she just adores, all worked in our favor. But, just so you know, it is not an easy path with our own difficult child's, their parenting skills or lack thereof, the desire to help when you can't, being manipulated in when you don't want to be there............it's pretty tiring. And, we're in our 60's and believe me when I tell you this, raising kids when you are older is an ENTIRELY different experience on so many levels, only one of which is that you are just TIRED!! I just don't have the robust energy I had at 30 something when my daughter was a teenager. You don't have the same patience either. But, there are also many joys too, it's clearly a mixed bag. I feel lucky because my granddaughter is not afflicted with a mental illness and has a very normal personality, is kind, compassionate, funny, smart, does very well in school, is respectful, etc. It could have easily gone the other way and I would be raising another difficult child. Which is the risk you face. Sigh. I'm sharing my experience so you can look at the whole picture. It's easier for us to say we won't involve ourselves in the child's life, but really, once you look at that baby, who resembles YOU or your husband, it's really hard to turn your back. And, then what? Do you raise that child? Our difficult child's have no real clue what it's like to be a parent, and even once they are, they can remain clueless and leave that child at risk. What a remarkable ocean of different feelings and desires and thoughts.............there is no right or wrong, you and she will do what you do and find your way..........and if/when a baby comes you'll all deal with it and make choices along the way. My heart goes out to you, you are at the mercy of the choices she is making and has made and a new life is on it's way...............(((HUGS)))) We're all here for you, this tattered and tired tribe of moms..............you're not alone. [/QUOTE]
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