IT, I have been where you are and I CAN tell you, things can get MUCH better. You're right about the right medication combo helping a lot but it won't "cure" the behavior. My difficult child 1 couldn't take stimulants so they put him on Strattera and that has helped. Intuniv is also a non-stimulant so you might notice a change with that. My son also couldn't take Risperdal either. That made things 100% worse for us. Others here have had great success. If I remember correctly, that one needs to be titrated up so don't give up on it quite yet. It just may be that the dose isn't right.
My son (difficult child 1) was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4 and they added ODD in third grade only to find out through more thorough testing that he is actually on the autism spectrum. That explained the "oppositional and defiant" behavior (it was NOT intentional) and the anxiety although he has the additional anxiety diagnosis because his is through the roof. The right medication combo has done wonders for difficult child 1. By the way, many of us here don't consider ODD a "real" diagnosis. It simply describes the way the behaviors appear to others, not what causes it or how to treat it. The behavior is trying to tell you something.
By all means, have the school do official THOROUGH testing of BOTH your kids. Really. Just because the one can hold it together during school does not mean 1) he always will be able to and 2) there aren't some subjects he could do better at with some help. Did you put the request for testing in writing? Did you ask them to do academic, psychological, behavioral, Occupational AND speech evaluations? Make sure they hit all the areas even if you and they don't "see" those areas as being problems.
What kinds of behaviors do you deal with? Can you describe some specific examples of entire scenarios when these behaviors occur? That might help us steer you in the right direction.
You are NOT the worst parents.....all of us have felt that way many times over. In fact, there was a thread going around a while back where many here were fighting for that "award". You've doing the best you can with what you know. Here are my recommendations: find a good neuropsychologist to do more thorough testing, read the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, and read the book What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You by Doug Riley. Both books really opened my eyes and helped ME see things differently (and in our case, that was the key). Me changing the way I saw and interpreted things helped me communicate with difficult child 1 so I could help him. We are in a pretty good place now (thought I'd NEVER hear myself say that) and I'm left to only have to deal with the occasional meltdown that is MUCH shorter and less intense than before and the typical teen stuff all parents have to deal with (only in slightly different forms).
Stick around and check back frequently. You will NOT regret it. This place has been my lifeline and my sanity through everything. There are lots of wise warrior parents here that can hold your hand and at times hold you up. Welcome to our little family!!! We're glad you're here!
