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Parent Emeritus
Rebellious Obedience ...from a distance of course... because they're Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 378317" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I agree with Fran, I'm happy to hear you report they are functioning as adults with the standards to which you raised them. That in itself speaks VOLUMES that they seem unable to speak, about the life they have had with you and your husband, and the fact that they did accept parenting from you. It seems they did not accept the part of "attachment" from the parenting you offered, but they learned the lessons all of us parents strive to teach our children. Work ethic, responsability, respectability, etc. I find it so sad for all involved when adult children can't move beyond the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) status, and find some way to allow themselves to accept the love all around them. I can only imagine how painful that is for you and your husband, even though it seems you are doing best you can to detach and protect yourselves emotionally. As for your adult children, it must be very painful for them as well. I'm so grateful that I maintained an ability to be attached to others in spite of my upbringing and cycles of foster care etc. I will say though that it took me a good many years into adulthood to be able to trust. To be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To be able to believe personal relationships can last, that people important to me weren't going to just turn their backs and walk away. My final foster home was a more permenent one. Boy I was some damaged goods by that point. To this day, my foster mother is my mother in my mind. She saw beyond the pain and barriers I created for protection and she loved me through it all. She didn't push me, she knew it would be fruitless. She did however tell me several times that she wasnt' going anywhere and that sooner or later I would be forced to accept that. I put her through hades and back let me tell you. Stealing from her. Running away constantly. Breaking the law in a effort to be removed from her home (before she could walk from me, it would hurt less that way). Verbally abusive. Racking up thousands and thousands of dollars in long distance calls. Treating her own bio kids like garbage etc. And she stayed. It finally kicked in that she wasn't going away and loved me in spite of all my koi. I began to permit myself to attach. Although it took well into adult hood to truly realize that in my heart, she was a parent to me and to realize how special that role was. She taught me so much and each day I live as an example of the type of person she wanted to influence me to become. I know that true Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is quite different than my experience. But I personally wonder if perhaps down the line your kids might be able to find a new relationship with you and your husband. Perhaps not a traditional parent/child relationship. But one based on mutual respect and love. The fact that they are living their lives as you taught them to? It speaks volumes about the fact that inside them, under all their own pain, they learned from you and husband and they respect those lessons. Meaning they do respect you and husband, although appearances at times portray it otherwise. Deep pain such as theirs can manifest in strange ways. Sometimes the more lovable and wonderful a family can be to a person, the more a person with attachment problems and baggage and fears etc will flee from them. </p><p></p><p>I hope for you and husband's sake (and both kids sakes) that one day they can find a healthy balance in their lives and include you and your husband in their lives to some degree that is healthy. Even if it isn't what you would want in a ideal world. Be proud of yourselves. One cannot necessarily cure someones deep seeded issues. But you have both made a impact in these young peoples lives that without, who knows what kind of adults they might have grown into.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 378317, member: 4264"] I agree with Fran, I'm happy to hear you report they are functioning as adults with the standards to which you raised them. That in itself speaks VOLUMES that they seem unable to speak, about the life they have had with you and your husband, and the fact that they did accept parenting from you. It seems they did not accept the part of "attachment" from the parenting you offered, but they learned the lessons all of us parents strive to teach our children. Work ethic, responsability, respectability, etc. I find it so sad for all involved when adult children can't move beyond the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) status, and find some way to allow themselves to accept the love all around them. I can only imagine how painful that is for you and your husband, even though it seems you are doing best you can to detach and protect yourselves emotionally. As for your adult children, it must be very painful for them as well. I'm so grateful that I maintained an ability to be attached to others in spite of my upbringing and cycles of foster care etc. I will say though that it took me a good many years into adulthood to be able to trust. To be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To be able to believe personal relationships can last, that people important to me weren't going to just turn their backs and walk away. My final foster home was a more permenent one. Boy I was some damaged goods by that point. To this day, my foster mother is my mother in my mind. She saw beyond the pain and barriers I created for protection and she loved me through it all. She didn't push me, she knew it would be fruitless. She did however tell me several times that she wasnt' going anywhere and that sooner or later I would be forced to accept that. I put her through hades and back let me tell you. Stealing from her. Running away constantly. Breaking the law in a effort to be removed from her home (before she could walk from me, it would hurt less that way). Verbally abusive. Racking up thousands and thousands of dollars in long distance calls. Treating her own bio kids like garbage etc. And she stayed. It finally kicked in that she wasn't going away and loved me in spite of all my koi. I began to permit myself to attach. Although it took well into adult hood to truly realize that in my heart, she was a parent to me and to realize how special that role was. She taught me so much and each day I live as an example of the type of person she wanted to influence me to become. I know that true Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is quite different than my experience. But I personally wonder if perhaps down the line your kids might be able to find a new relationship with you and your husband. Perhaps not a traditional parent/child relationship. But one based on mutual respect and love. The fact that they are living their lives as you taught them to? It speaks volumes about the fact that inside them, under all their own pain, they learned from you and husband and they respect those lessons. Meaning they do respect you and husband, although appearances at times portray it otherwise. Deep pain such as theirs can manifest in strange ways. Sometimes the more lovable and wonderful a family can be to a person, the more a person with attachment problems and baggage and fears etc will flee from them. I hope for you and husband's sake (and both kids sakes) that one day they can find a healthy balance in their lives and include you and your husband in their lives to some degree that is healthy. Even if it isn't what you would want in a ideal world. Be proud of yourselves. One cannot necessarily cure someones deep seeded issues. But you have both made a impact in these young peoples lives that without, who knows what kind of adults they might have grown into. [/QUOTE]
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Rebellious Obedience ...from a distance of course... because they're Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
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