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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 623360" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>Thanks so much, Cedar...it always helps to read your replies...I've been thinking a lot about my childhood today and trying to trace all the abuse over the years...I have been working through this for many years, my whole adult life really because my father is an alcoholic who has never really quit, only a dry drunk now..I was the oldest and as I grew, at dinner time especially, he'd be abusive to my mother or siblings (I have a younger sister and brother)...I was always the one who stood up to him, literally and told him to back off...he didn't hit but the words he said hurt worse...my parents have never had a happy marriage but have stayed together for 54 years...I can't remember a time in my adulthood when I was going through challenges when they actually helped me out without some string attached...my first husband died of cancer when I was 27...the helped during his sickness but were saying awful things about his family, or whatever, when I was in a horrible place...I went back to school then and never asked for a dime from my father-- because if you ever get money from him, he will use it to control you...I went back to school because I never wanted to be in the position of having to ask him for money since it seemed as though I'd be alone the rest of my life...I had my difficult child as a single mom and I don't want to make you read all the sabotaging they did at that time...I needed their help just to maintain my job and support my child (the father was out of the picture) so my mother would keep difficult child for me while I worked but boy, she used that to manipulate me to no end...I couldn't wait to finish school so I could get new job and have a fresh start, without having to count on them...when difficult child was almost 2, that happened and I left the area but had met my husband by then and we kept going strong even with distance so 2 years later, I came back...it wasn't too long after that that difficult child started demonstrating problems and my parents were meddling every step of the way...the first time difficult child was hospitalized in 4th grade, they were cooperative because he had attacked a little girl and they could at least see that wasn't 'normal' but they had no clue what else we were dealing with at home...one time I was out of town and difficult child called them and told them my husband was abusing him...they almost called DSS but came and talked to me when I got back...they believed difficult child and have always believed him to a fault...I had difficult child come tell them to their face what the truth was and then explained to him what can happen if he accuses someone of that without truth and he's never done at least that again...but when he got into 6th grade, he deteriorated again and was worsening quite a bit and quickly so he was hospitalized again...that's when my father first disowned me...difficult child was diagnosed as bipolar and my father thought I was wrong to get him treatment all of a sudden, he literally demanded that I stop getting him therapy and medications...I had him go talk to both difficult child's therapist and psychiatrist in hopes he could get his questions answered but he only became more convinced there was nothing wrong with difficult child, it was just a phase, and that by my getting him treatment, I was ruining him for life and putting a label on him that would follow him the rest of his life...I didn't listen to him of course which only made things escalate (he couldn't control me-- never could, has said I'm the only child that ever gave them so much trouble like that)...I was at home with difficult child after he was released from psychiatric hospital and extremely vulnerable and sick...my parents came to my house and stood on my porch telling me so that difficult child could hear what an awful mother I was being and that if I didn't start doing things their way, they were going to disown me...I said fine, go right ahead...and the same thing as now happened for 3 years...that time there were emails and I was trying to reason with him and explain what he wasn't seeing...I was convinced that if I just educated him on all the challenges, he'd come around and not want to cut off us AND HIS GRANDSON!...he didn't see my difficult child for 3 years...I remember clear as day that as difficult child was recovering but after this confrontation, I took him to the beach for week to refresh-- just the 2 of us...we went for a walk and he asked me why they were doing this to their own daughter...and he asked then if I'd ever do it to him...that broke my heart and I told him them and repeated it many times that I never would do that...but now he uses that against me to say that I'm disowning him just like they did me because I won't pay his bills...</p><p></p><p>sorry for my rambling but I saw this from Cedar-- Your abuser is getting a little desperate, I think. Just as we've learned to expect escalation from our difficult child kids, we can expect our abusers to up the ante, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Read more: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xPShypeH" target="_blank"><u>http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xPShypeH</u></a></p><p></p><p>that's exactly what I was thinking today and husband is worried about...father will get that letter returned on Monday so what will he do next?...you see, he controls every other person in my family...my sister is 47, married with 3 nearly grown kids-- does not work and her husband lost his job more than a year ago...my father not only bought them a house outright 5 years ago (when I still wasn't in communication with anyone) that they have since charged against the credit to buy things (and father has no clue of this)...and in he meantime, for more than a year, he's been giving them at least $2000/month to cover them...so since all this happened, my sister and I aren't talking either because she's at risk for losing her monthly check if she does-- she'd rather get money from our father than get a job (no, she's not working)...my brother is a pothead and my parents have no clue about that...his life is a mess but they hold him up as their success story because at least they're not paying for his mortgage-- but they pay for his medical bills AND he's 42 and still has their credit card that he uses to buy clothes and things he 'needs'....if my parents knew what their money is really being used for (to pay off debt for my sister on a house they already bought and to pay for drugs), I'm not sure what they'd do, if anything...I've never told them and know they won't believe me anyway...that's part of what drives husband crazy-- to him, I'm their one success story since I work hard, put myself through school, and have never had their support...but to my father, I'm the child he has the least control over and yes, he is desperate to seize that...it's hard not to worry about what that could mean is coming next...he won't give up, obviously...and I think he'd stoop to most anything to get at me...</p><p></p><p>with all my thinking, I always come back to what you were saying, Cedar...how can my own parents be so cruel?...they are really both abusers and while I knew that before all this, I don't think I've ever really accepted just how much of abusers they are and how long this has been going on-- and I've allowed myself to be victim for many many years...I'm done with being their victim...except they do hold my most precious 'card'...my difficult child and working their black magic on him...since he's not unlike my father and also loves money, he's falling right into where they want him...and all I can do is stand back and watch...this is agonizingly painful to watch and admit that I'm the offspring of people who are like them...</p><p></p><p>I started a new project today!! wallpapering our guest bathroom!...I find I can't just sit and think without circling into that black hole above so having a project makes me feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day and gives me something else to focus on!....hope you all had a great Saturday!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 623360, member: 17503"] Thanks so much, Cedar...it always helps to read your replies...I've been thinking a lot about my childhood today and trying to trace all the abuse over the years...I have been working through this for many years, my whole adult life really because my father is an alcoholic who has never really quit, only a dry drunk now..I was the oldest and as I grew, at dinner time especially, he'd be abusive to my mother or siblings (I have a younger sister and brother)...I was always the one who stood up to him, literally and told him to back off...he didn't hit but the words he said hurt worse...my parents have never had a happy marriage but have stayed together for 54 years...I can't remember a time in my adulthood when I was going through challenges when they actually helped me out without some string attached...my first husband died of cancer when I was 27...the helped during his sickness but were saying awful things about his family, or whatever, when I was in a horrible place...I went back to school then and never asked for a dime from my father-- because if you ever get money from him, he will use it to control you...I went back to school because I never wanted to be in the position of having to ask him for money since it seemed as though I'd be alone the rest of my life...I had my difficult child as a single mom and I don't want to make you read all the sabotaging they did at that time...I needed their help just to maintain my job and support my child (the father was out of the picture) so my mother would keep difficult child for me while I worked but boy, she used that to manipulate me to no end...I couldn't wait to finish school so I could get new job and have a fresh start, without having to count on them...when difficult child was almost 2, that happened and I left the area but had met my husband by then and we kept going strong even with distance so 2 years later, I came back...it wasn't too long after that that difficult child started demonstrating problems and my parents were meddling every step of the way...the first time difficult child was hospitalized in 4th grade, they were cooperative because he had attacked a little girl and they could at least see that wasn't 'normal' but they had no clue what else we were dealing with at home...one time I was out of town and difficult child called them and told them my husband was abusing him...they almost called DSS but came and talked to me when I got back...they believed difficult child and have always believed him to a fault...I had difficult child come tell them to their face what the truth was and then explained to him what can happen if he accuses someone of that without truth and he's never done at least that again...but when he got into 6th grade, he deteriorated again and was worsening quite a bit and quickly so he was hospitalized again...that's when my father first disowned me...difficult child was diagnosed as bipolar and my father thought I was wrong to get him treatment all of a sudden, he literally demanded that I stop getting him therapy and medications...I had him go talk to both difficult child's therapist and psychiatrist in hopes he could get his questions answered but he only became more convinced there was nothing wrong with difficult child, it was just a phase, and that by my getting him treatment, I was ruining him for life and putting a label on him that would follow him the rest of his life...I didn't listen to him of course which only made things escalate (he couldn't control me-- never could, has said I'm the only child that ever gave them so much trouble like that)...I was at home with difficult child after he was released from psychiatric hospital and extremely vulnerable and sick...my parents came to my house and stood on my porch telling me so that difficult child could hear what an awful mother I was being and that if I didn't start doing things their way, they were going to disown me...I said fine, go right ahead...and the same thing as now happened for 3 years...that time there were emails and I was trying to reason with him and explain what he wasn't seeing...I was convinced that if I just educated him on all the challenges, he'd come around and not want to cut off us AND HIS GRANDSON!...he didn't see my difficult child for 3 years...I remember clear as day that as difficult child was recovering but after this confrontation, I took him to the beach for week to refresh-- just the 2 of us...we went for a walk and he asked me why they were doing this to their own daughter...and he asked then if I'd ever do it to him...that broke my heart and I told him them and repeated it many times that I never would do that...but now he uses that against me to say that I'm disowning him just like they did me because I won't pay his bills... sorry for my rambling but I saw this from Cedar-- Your abuser is getting a little desperate, I think. Just as we've learned to expect escalation from our difficult child kids, we can expect our abusers to up the ante, too. Read more: [URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xPShypeH'][U]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xPShypeH[/U][/URL] that's exactly what I was thinking today and husband is worried about...father will get that letter returned on Monday so what will he do next?...you see, he controls every other person in my family...my sister is 47, married with 3 nearly grown kids-- does not work and her husband lost his job more than a year ago...my father not only bought them a house outright 5 years ago (when I still wasn't in communication with anyone) that they have since charged against the credit to buy things (and father has no clue of this)...and in he meantime, for more than a year, he's been giving them at least $2000/month to cover them...so since all this happened, my sister and I aren't talking either because she's at risk for losing her monthly check if she does--[I] [/I]she'd rather get money from our father than get a job (no, she's not working)...my brother is a pothead and my parents have no clue about that...his life is a mess but they hold him up as their success story because at least they're not paying for his mortgage-- but they pay for his medical bills AND he's 42 and still has their credit card that he uses to buy clothes and things he 'needs'....if my parents knew what their money is really being used for (to pay off debt for my sister on a house they already bought and to pay for drugs), I'm not sure what they'd do, if anything...I've never told them and know they won't believe me anyway...that's part of what drives husband crazy-- to him, I'm their one success story since I work hard, put myself through school, and have never had their support...but to my father, I'm the child he has the least control over and yes, he is desperate to seize that...it's hard not to worry about what that could mean is coming next...he won't give up, obviously...and I think he'd stoop to most anything to get at me... with all my thinking, I always come back to what you were saying, Cedar...how can my own parents be so cruel?...they are really both abusers and while I knew that before all this, I don't think I've ever really accepted just how much of abusers they are and how long this has been going on-- and I've allowed myself to be victim for many many years...I'm done with being their victim...except they do hold my most precious 'card'...my difficult child and working their black magic on him...since he's not unlike my father and also loves money, he's falling right into where they want him...and all I can do is stand back and watch...this is agonizingly painful to watch and admit that I'm the offspring of people who are like them... I started a new project today!! wallpapering our guest bathroom!...I find I can't just sit and think without circling into that black hole above so having a project makes me feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day and gives me something else to focus on!....hope you all had a great Saturday! [/QUOTE]
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