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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623491" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is part of why verbal abuse works, BITS. They can seem so reasonable, so correct, so much better than we are or, by the time they get done with us, believe we could ever be. That is the "win" for them. If you are less, then they are more.</p><p></p><p>And if you are not less, if you begin showing signs of health or healing, of recovery? The verbal abuser will redouble his attacks.</p><p></p><p>The most terrible thing is that the abuse has nothing to do with you, personally. Though it will change everything about who you are, about who you believe yourself to be...the abuser does not truly see you, does not understand what he or she is doing. It's like they go unconscious or something, or like they are trapped in some personal Hell of their own and are blinded to the harm they are doing.</p><p></p><p>Most probably, when it is a female being abused, even if the abuser is herself a female, legitimacy for these feelings has to do, too, with the unconscious, virulently vicious mysogyny rampant throughout the world. </p><p></p><p>When they have been made to feel small or uncertain by other events in their lives, the abusive person recovers their sense of self through "dumping" those feelings onto their target of choice. <u>The abuse never had anything to do with you.</u> Though it was targeted to destroy you BITS, it was nothing about you that called it.</p><p></p><p>The sickness was there in your father, already.</p><p></p><p>You are meant to survive it. What is happening now is the way your family will heal, BITS. It will hurt, but you will play your part in that healing beautifully.</p><p></p><p>Have you read Patricia Evans <u>Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out</u> or <u>The Verbally Abusive Relationship</u>?</p><p></p><p><u>Self Esteem</u> by McKay/Fanning?</p><p></p><p>The following are excerpts from <u>Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out.</u></p><p></p><p>"Verbal abuse has nothing to do with you or your daughters in particular. If you or an older daughter were magically replaced by somebody different, he would still have <em>his</em> problem of being verbally abusive to a wife and oldest daughter. Being abusive to the oldest daughter is a common pattern. Another is that the son is "king" and all the daughters are nothing. A variation is that the son can never do anything right and is "picked on" constantly while the daughters are ignored or favored. Whatever the configuration, however, the problem begins with the abuser."</p><p></p><p>"There is nothing you can do and no way you can be to get him to change."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><u>You</u> are your most precious card, BITS. Your difficult child pushed boundaries to the point of assault. Had you not stood up to him then, difficult child's behaviors would have escalated. </p><p></p><p>It is hard to remember that, I know.</p><p></p><p>But it was your difficult child's behavior that created this situation. You did not do this BITS, and you did not cause it. Your father did not cause it, either.</p><p></p><p>difficult child created this situation. He created this situation between you and himself...and he created the situation that now exists between you and your father too, BITS.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that the angrier you and your father are at one another, your difficult child comes out smelling more and more like a rose. Our difficult child's are famous for triangulating, for pitting one family member against the other so the difficult child gets what he wants while everyone is taking aim at each other to protect the difficult child.</p><p></p><p>You are correct BITS, in expecting your son to abide by the rules you set in your home. You are correct in setting unbreachable boundaries around difficult child's physically abusive behavior.</p><p></p><p>You are in the right here, BITS.</p><p></p><p>Especially given that the father has the kinds of personal problems that result in abusive behaviors, your father may be doing the best he knows.</p><p>The problem might turn out to be that those old, abusive behaviors just don't work the way they used to ~ not anymore, not now that you've seen the dynamic behind verbally abusive behavior and can no longer be dominated or controlled by it. </p><p></p><p>If you can do it BITS, let go of the anger you feel. It is the situation that is bad, not you, not your father, not even the difficult child. If you strip away the hurt of it BITS, then you will be able to see how to move through the situation in a purposeful way.</p><p></p><p>Yes, your father has problems and this is exacerbating an already explosive situation. But the person who created the situation was difficult child. The person who continues to exploit the situation, and is getting everything he wants from it, is difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening, BITS. It is the situation that is bad. It would be best if you could decide, coldly decide, to survive, to choose pleasure and hope and great joy in your life. There will be times of sadness BITS, but let them be sadness at the hardness, at the unfairness, of the situation. </p><p></p><p>Something has to change now, BITS.</p><p></p><p>As you face and choose to stand strong in the face of your father's escalating verbally abusive behaviors BITS...you are going to have to see your difficult child more clearly, too.</p><p></p><p>No one, not even and maybe especially, not difficult child, gets to abuse you, BITS.</p><p></p><p>No one.</p><p></p><p>Look at it this way: What would you do about it if someone purposely set out to destroy the spirit of one of your horses? Would you forgive or understand or empathize with <u>any</u> of the abuser's behaviors? Would you allow him to start striking the horse, if it began to show spirit or resentment against its own destruction?</p><p></p><p>Would you tolerate such behavior for even an instant, BITS?</p><p></p><p>No!</p><p></p><p>You need to learn to love, cherish, and protect yourself as you love, cherish, and protect your horses, BITS.</p><p> </p><p>Even from difficult child.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">No, there are ten thousand things you could do, BITS. You could pay for everything, promise difficult child a new car if he comes home, tell him he can abuse you night and day. Tell him you were so wrong to expect him to be the man you raised him to be, and that he can lay around all day if he wants to. You could begin planning an excellent trip with husband, you could go back to school, you could meet your own father for lunch without anyone else there...and certainly, without difficult child there, mucking up the water.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">You have all the power here, BITS.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">It is the situation that is bad. Not you, not difficult child, not the father.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">It is a really hard situation, and I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your family.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Best to see it clearly though, BITS.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">I had to see differently, too. And it was painful and I was so <u>angry</u> BITS! But it was worth it, so worth it. The feeling of freedom, of self-definition, is unimaginable, BITS. I seek it, now. Seek it on every level. </span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">No one can define you but you, BITS. But we have to see where and how they are hurting us, we have to know the taste and the smell and the feel of it before we can recognize and stop negative influences from childhood. </span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Your father may always be abusive.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Your difficult child may always be abusive.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Once you are better, BITS? Their illnesses will not color, touch, or sway you.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">That is freedom.</span></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What is coming next is that you will become stronger, more aware, less susceptible to the usual reward systems, BITS. People would say such things to me over the years of therapy, or even here on the site. I could not even see how the fear was woven into the character of my being, could not even see my abuser's perceptions, wrapped around me so tightly I could not breathe.</p><p></p><p>I worked really hard to break free of that, BITS. I am still working so hard to come back from it. Initially my motivation was to get healthier so I could help my kids. Now? It is to be who I am. </p><p></p><p>That is how to help my family be healthier. Not to be perfect, but to be real.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623491, member: 17461"] That is part of why verbal abuse works, BITS. They can seem so reasonable, so correct, so much better than we are or, by the time they get done with us, believe we could ever be. That is the "win" for them. If you are less, then they are more. And if you are not less, if you begin showing signs of health or healing, of recovery? The verbal abuser will redouble his attacks. The most terrible thing is that the abuse has nothing to do with you, personally. Though it will change everything about who you are, about who you believe yourself to be...the abuser does not truly see you, does not understand what he or she is doing. It's like they go unconscious or something, or like they are trapped in some personal Hell of their own and are blinded to the harm they are doing. Most probably, when it is a female being abused, even if the abuser is herself a female, legitimacy for these feelings has to do, too, with the unconscious, virulently vicious mysogyny rampant throughout the world. When they have been made to feel small or uncertain by other events in their lives, the abusive person recovers their sense of self through "dumping" those feelings onto their target of choice. [U]The abuse never had anything to do with you.[/U] Though it was targeted to destroy you BITS, it was nothing about you that called it. The sickness was there in your father, already. You are meant to survive it. What is happening now is the way your family will heal, BITS. It will hurt, but you will play your part in that healing beautifully. Have you read Patricia Evans [U]Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out[/U] or [U]The Verbally Abusive Relationship[/U]? [U]Self Esteem[/U] by McKay/Fanning? The following are excerpts from [U]Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out.[/U] "Verbal abuse has nothing to do with you or your daughters in particular. If you or an older daughter were magically replaced by somebody different, he would still have [I]his[/I] problem of being verbally abusive to a wife and oldest daughter. Being abusive to the oldest daughter is a common pattern. Another is that the son is "king" and all the daughters are nothing. A variation is that the son can never do anything right and is "picked on" constantly while the daughters are ignored or favored. Whatever the configuration, however, the problem begins with the abuser." "There is nothing you can do and no way you can be to get him to change." [U]You[/U] are your most precious card, BITS. Your difficult child pushed boundaries to the point of assault. Had you not stood up to him then, difficult child's behaviors would have escalated. It is hard to remember that, I know. But it was your difficult child's behavior that created this situation. You did not do this BITS, and you did not cause it. Your father did not cause it, either. difficult child created this situation. He created this situation between you and himself...and he created the situation that now exists between you and your father too, BITS. It seems to me that the angrier you and your father are at one another, your difficult child comes out smelling more and more like a rose. Our difficult child's are famous for triangulating, for pitting one family member against the other so the difficult child gets what he wants while everyone is taking aim at each other to protect the difficult child. You are correct BITS, in expecting your son to abide by the rules you set in your home. You are correct in setting unbreachable boundaries around difficult child's physically abusive behavior. You are in the right here, BITS. Especially given that the father has the kinds of personal problems that result in abusive behaviors, your father may be doing the best he knows. The problem might turn out to be that those old, abusive behaviors just don't work the way they used to ~ not anymore, not now that you've seen the dynamic behind verbally abusive behavior and can no longer be dominated or controlled by it. If you can do it BITS, let go of the anger you feel. It is the situation that is bad, not you, not your father, not even the difficult child. If you strip away the hurt of it BITS, then you will be able to see how to move through the situation in a purposeful way. Yes, your father has problems and this is exacerbating an already explosive situation. But the person who created the situation was difficult child. The person who continues to exploit the situation, and is getting everything he wants from it, is difficult child. I'm sorry this is happening, BITS. It is the situation that is bad. It would be best if you could decide, coldly decide, to survive, to choose pleasure and hope and great joy in your life. There will be times of sadness BITS, but let them be sadness at the hardness, at the unfairness, of the situation. Something has to change now, BITS. As you face and choose to stand strong in the face of your father's escalating verbally abusive behaviors BITS...you are going to have to see your difficult child more clearly, too. No one, not even and maybe especially, not difficult child, gets to abuse you, BITS. No one. Look at it this way: What would you do about it if someone purposely set out to destroy the spirit of one of your horses? Would you forgive or understand or empathize with [U]any[/U] of the abuser's behaviors? Would you allow him to start striking the horse, if it began to show spirit or resentment against its own destruction? Would you tolerate such behavior for even an instant, BITS? No! You need to learn to love, cherish, and protect yourself as you love, cherish, and protect your horses, BITS. Even from difficult child. [SIZE=4][/SIZE] [SIZE=4]No, there are ten thousand things you could do, BITS. You could pay for everything, promise difficult child a new car if he comes home, tell him he can abuse you night and day. Tell him you were so wrong to expect him to be the man you raised him to be, and that he can lay around all day if he wants to. You could begin planning an excellent trip with husband, you could go back to school, you could meet your own father for lunch without anyone else there...and certainly, without difficult child there, mucking up the water.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]You have all the power here, BITS.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]It is the situation that is bad. Not you, not difficult child, not the father.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]It is a really hard situation, and I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your family.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]Best to see it clearly though, BITS.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]I had to see differently, too. And it was painful and I was so [U]angry[/U] BITS! But it was worth it, so worth it. The feeling of freedom, of self-definition, is unimaginable, BITS. I seek it, now. Seek it on every level. [/SIZE] [SIZE=4]No one can define you but you, BITS. But we have to see where and how they are hurting us, we have to know the taste and the smell and the feel of it before we can recognize and stop negative influences from childhood. [/SIZE] [SIZE=4]Your father may always be abusive.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]Your difficult child may always be abusive.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]Once you are better, BITS? Their illnesses will not color, touch, or sway you.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]That is freedom.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4][/SIZE] What is coming next is that you will become stronger, more aware, less susceptible to the usual reward systems, BITS. People would say such things to me over the years of therapy, or even here on the site. I could not even see how the fear was woven into the character of my being, could not even see my abuser's perceptions, wrapped around me so tightly I could not breathe. I worked really hard to break free of that, BITS. I am still working so hard to come back from it. Initially my motivation was to get healthier so I could help my kids. Now? It is to be who I am. That is how to help my family be healthier. Not to be perfect, but to be real. It's really hard. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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