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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623577" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is true. It <u>is</u> scary. Every time I even considered criticizing my abuser in any way, it took more courage than I had. But somehow (and here comes another Cedar quote):</p><p></p><p>"The lifeforce from God overcame the deathforce of my shame, and I lived."</p><p></p><p>That is from someone named Smedes. His book: <u>Shame and Grace.</u> He is well worth reading for those of us determined to recover, to reclaim and redefine ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Now, where was I going with this? Oh, yes. But somehow BITS, I did it. Little by little, I grew into myself. And then, though my abuser continues to abuse...the fear of it, the shame of it, that feeling like death of it ~ that is what I remember, but that is not what is happening to me in my interactions with her, now. It's like she can still hurt me, can still cause me to question myself, though the inappropriate actions were hers.</p><p></p><p>But she can no longer kill me.</p><p></p><p>I lived.</p><p></p><p>*****</p><p></p><p>When you receive whatever it is they next present BITS...we will be there with you, too. Not right there in the minute, but in your sense of strength, and in your true understanding that everyone here on the site will help take it apart and put it back together again in a way that makes sense, and that cannot hurt you.</p><p></p><p>Soon enough, you will not need us at all, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Then, I think you will forgive and develop compassion for that little man who your father really is. I hope he recovers himself soon enough to come to know you for the strength and the beauty in you. </p><p></p><p>Look how you are facing him, now.</p><p></p><p>That takes real courage.</p><p></p><p>And it is scary.</p><p></p><p>I like that you asked your son what he meant. That is the only question we should ask our abusers: "What do you mean."</p><p></p><p>The answers turn out to be so much less hurtful than the toxic things we tell ourselves about what they meant.</p><p></p><p>And so often, the abuser means nothing. They sort of go unconscious, and all they want to do is win. If you or anyone else are destroyed in that process, I think they don't see it.</p><p></p><p>I would be scared too, BITS! Its kind of like we're at a slumber party, right? Waiting for the spooky movie, listening for the sound of that man with the hook scratching at the window. </p><p></p><p>EEEEEEEEEE!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623577, member: 17461"] This is true. It [U]is[/U] scary. Every time I even considered criticizing my abuser in any way, it took more courage than I had. But somehow (and here comes another Cedar quote): "The lifeforce from God overcame the deathforce of my shame, and I lived." That is from someone named Smedes. His book: [U]Shame and Grace.[/U] He is well worth reading for those of us determined to recover, to reclaim and redefine ourselves. Now, where was I going with this? Oh, yes. But somehow BITS, I did it. Little by little, I grew into myself. And then, though my abuser continues to abuse...the fear of it, the shame of it, that feeling like death of it ~ that is what I remember, but that is not what is happening to me in my interactions with her, now. It's like she can still hurt me, can still cause me to question myself, though the inappropriate actions were hers. But she can no longer kill me. I lived. ***** When you receive whatever it is they next present BITS...we will be there with you, too. Not right there in the minute, but in your sense of strength, and in your true understanding that everyone here on the site will help take it apart and put it back together again in a way that makes sense, and that cannot hurt you. Soon enough, you will not need us at all, anymore. Then, I think you will forgive and develop compassion for that little man who your father really is. I hope he recovers himself soon enough to come to know you for the strength and the beauty in you. Look how you are facing him, now. That takes real courage. And it is scary. I like that you asked your son what he meant. That is the only question we should ask our abusers: "What do you mean." The answers turn out to be so much less hurtful than the toxic things we tell ourselves about what they meant. And so often, the abuser means nothing. They sort of go unconscious, and all they want to do is win. If you or anyone else are destroyed in that process, I think they don't see it. I would be scared too, BITS! Its kind of like we're at a slumber party, right? Waiting for the spooky movie, listening for the sound of that man with the hook scratching at the window. EEEEEEEEEE! :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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