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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623704" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>My mom just hung up on me too, BITS. She had called. husband picked up. (Which he wasn't supposed to do. I am right up there with everyone else in the "just let me be a chicken in private" department.) As husband had picked up, I took the call. My mother was all set to deliver her fateful message that my sister was in the hospital for some tests. In my family of origin, even medical bulletins and surgeries are prime grist for the power over mill. My mother was calling against her will because calling was the correct thing to do where she is staying, now. She was not calling to let me know, but to be able to say she had. I got that. In defiance, I got her talking about all kinds of other things too, and we hung up cordially. Then? husband told me she had been rude to him. He felt pretty badly about it, actually. </p><p></p><p>It is hard to be prepared for what abusive family members will do. Especially for our DHs, who don't have a clue about toxicity. Anyway, I called my mother back, asked whether she thought she'd been rude...and she hung up on me too, BITS. </p><p></p><p>SLAM.</p><p></p><p>She must have been on the house phone.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>First though, she snarled that she was not going to play this game with me. Or that she did not have time for this. Or something equally really mean. So, I posted about it, here. One of us noted that I HAD CONFRONTED THE DRAGON (my mother) AND IT HAD RUN AWAY.</p><p></p><p>And it occurred to me that is exactly what she did.</p><p></p><p>My mother ran away.</p><p></p><p>So did yours.</p><p></p><p>Hanging up is a cut and run, slash and get out tactic.</p><p></p><p>**************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, how frustrated she must have been!</p><p></p><p>There is nothing more you need to do with this. Your mother does not know whether you listened, does not know whether you felt badly if you did listen.</p><p></p><p>That is her punishment for being such a poop. She gets no satisfaction. Power over always feeds on hurting the other person, on making them feel small. If they cannot hurt you, they will exclude you. If you show no remorse, the behaviors will escalate because at some point, the abuser himself will be overwhelmed with the feelings he cannot discharge onto you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think you posted that you were reading about verbal abuse, about the payoff for the abuser, about how to recover from it, BITS. That is the only thing I know to do when we are engaging with a verbally abusive person. husband too has a tendency toward verbal abuse. I was raised to feel that bad things were who I really was. This is what my abuser taught me. That feeling, those toxicities from when we were too little to think them through, are the groundrock of that feeling of "fraudulence". They are the setting for feelings of not enough, of shame, not at what we've done, but at who we are. Given that my husband WAS verbally abusive, I felt he knew the truth about me that, somehow, I was managing to hide from anyone who thought well of me. It took many years for me to see that abuse has nothing to do with anyone but the abuser.</p><p></p><p>An abuser abuses because, male or female, they are an abuser.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing personal in the abuse.</p><p></p><p>This becomes crystal clear when you say: "What do you mean?"</p><p></p><p>That would be my only response to your mother's nasty "you two are a piece of work." What <u>does</u> she mean? Does she mean she is angry but too arrogant to put her anger into words? Or does it mean she is blaming you for her anger, though you have done nothing but return a card ~ which you have every right to do? Or does it mean that she is enraged because, in returning that card...you changed the dynamic.</p><p></p><p>What she said could have all kinds of meanings. What it probably does not mean is that you are "a piece of work."</p><p></p><p>Whatever ~ other than nasty, toxic associations from childhood ~ that means.</p><p></p><p>Mostly, it means you have been abused, long distance.</p><p></p><p>Which hurts alot less.</p><p></p><p>All of which goes to say BITS, that you need to learn all you can about the verbally abusive relationship, and about the effects of verbally abusive patterns of interaction on children, and on adult children.</p><p></p><p>My mother can still cut me to the quick with a look.</p><p></p><p>It happens in the flash of an eye, and no one is the wiser.</p><p></p><p>I have to do alot of reworking my time with her. I do that. I thank heaven for this site. It is important to have a witness, important to have someone who can reinterpret the pain and toxicity.</p><p></p><p>The other thing I can tell you BITS is that it is a path you walk. It isn't going to happen in one day. It is a path, an intention to be free of the hurt of it. Sort of like detaching from the hurtful things our difficult children do.</p><p></p><p>It is scary, to confront our abusers.</p><p></p><p>But every time we do it BITS, we become stronger, more centered, healthier. Also, I think it is vitally important not to buy into the game. Search out and talk down any feelings of hatred, any lust of vengeance. THAT IS THE WAY THIS WHOLE THING STARTED. Who knows how many generations back this pattern developed in your family, or mine? There is a better way to do it, BITS. There really are families who communicate openly, calmly, with joy. </p><p></p><p>That is what we're shooting for, here.</p><p></p><p>husband told me last night that the sense of vulnerability I feel in relation to my family is comprised of two things: </p><p></p><p>1) I need to forgive myself because I was not able to help them change, or to change anything for myself. I never did create that lovely family I wanted ~ in fact, everything pretty much sucks in the family department. </p><p></p><p>2) I need to reinterpret all the times I was verbally or physically abused and believed it. For you BITS, that would include "piece of work."</p><p></p><p>What DOES that mean?</p><p></p><p>If you can get to the root and pull it out, that will never be a vulnerability for you, again.</p><p></p><p>We do have to be strong, BITS. But not in the sick way our family taught us to do it.</p><p></p><p>I know I sound like a goofball, but there is power in choosing love.</p><p></p><p>Just pick it. I don't know what it means when I say that half the time, either. But it sets an intention, a guideline for us.</p><p></p><p>Posting will help so much, BITS. We need input from those not wounded in the same way. Together, we can all be stronger. Maybe, we can even be strong enough.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623704, member: 17461"] My mom just hung up on me too, BITS. She had called. husband picked up. (Which he wasn't supposed to do. I am right up there with everyone else in the "just let me be a chicken in private" department.) As husband had picked up, I took the call. My mother was all set to deliver her fateful message that my sister was in the hospital for some tests. In my family of origin, even medical bulletins and surgeries are prime grist for the power over mill. My mother was calling against her will because calling was the correct thing to do where she is staying, now. She was not calling to let me know, but to be able to say she had. I got that. In defiance, I got her talking about all kinds of other things too, and we hung up cordially. Then? husband told me she had been rude to him. He felt pretty badly about it, actually. It is hard to be prepared for what abusive family members will do. Especially for our DHs, who don't have a clue about toxicity. Anyway, I called my mother back, asked whether she thought she'd been rude...and she hung up on me too, BITS. SLAM. She must have been on the house phone. :O) First though, she snarled that she was not going to play this game with me. Or that she did not have time for this. Or something equally really mean. So, I posted about it, here. One of us noted that I HAD CONFRONTED THE DRAGON (my mother) AND IT HAD RUN AWAY. And it occurred to me that is exactly what she did. My mother ran away. So did yours. Hanging up is a cut and run, slash and get out tactic. ************** Oh, how frustrated she must have been! There is nothing more you need to do with this. Your mother does not know whether you listened, does not know whether you felt badly if you did listen. That is her punishment for being such a poop. She gets no satisfaction. Power over always feeds on hurting the other person, on making them feel small. If they cannot hurt you, they will exclude you. If you show no remorse, the behaviors will escalate because at some point, the abuser himself will be overwhelmed with the feelings he cannot discharge onto you. I think you posted that you were reading about verbal abuse, about the payoff for the abuser, about how to recover from it, BITS. That is the only thing I know to do when we are engaging with a verbally abusive person. husband too has a tendency toward verbal abuse. I was raised to feel that bad things were who I really was. This is what my abuser taught me. That feeling, those toxicities from when we were too little to think them through, are the groundrock of that feeling of "fraudulence". They are the setting for feelings of not enough, of shame, not at what we've done, but at who we are. Given that my husband WAS verbally abusive, I felt he knew the truth about me that, somehow, I was managing to hide from anyone who thought well of me. It took many years for me to see that abuse has nothing to do with anyone but the abuser. An abuser abuses because, male or female, they are an abuser. There is nothing personal in the abuse. This becomes crystal clear when you say: "What do you mean?" That would be my only response to your mother's nasty "you two are a piece of work." What [U]does[/U] she mean? Does she mean she is angry but too arrogant to put her anger into words? Or does it mean she is blaming you for her anger, though you have done nothing but return a card ~ which you have every right to do? Or does it mean that she is enraged because, in returning that card...you changed the dynamic. What she said could have all kinds of meanings. What it probably does not mean is that you are "a piece of work." Whatever ~ other than nasty, toxic associations from childhood ~ that means. Mostly, it means you have been abused, long distance. Which hurts alot less. All of which goes to say BITS, that you need to learn all you can about the verbally abusive relationship, and about the effects of verbally abusive patterns of interaction on children, and on adult children. My mother can still cut me to the quick with a look. It happens in the flash of an eye, and no one is the wiser. I have to do alot of reworking my time with her. I do that. I thank heaven for this site. It is important to have a witness, important to have someone who can reinterpret the pain and toxicity. The other thing I can tell you BITS is that it is a path you walk. It isn't going to happen in one day. It is a path, an intention to be free of the hurt of it. Sort of like detaching from the hurtful things our difficult children do. It is scary, to confront our abusers. But every time we do it BITS, we become stronger, more centered, healthier. Also, I think it is vitally important not to buy into the game. Search out and talk down any feelings of hatred, any lust of vengeance. THAT IS THE WAY THIS WHOLE THING STARTED. Who knows how many generations back this pattern developed in your family, or mine? There is a better way to do it, BITS. There really are families who communicate openly, calmly, with joy. That is what we're shooting for, here. husband told me last night that the sense of vulnerability I feel in relation to my family is comprised of two things: 1) I need to forgive myself because I was not able to help them change, or to change anything for myself. I never did create that lovely family I wanted ~ in fact, everything pretty much sucks in the family department. 2) I need to reinterpret all the times I was verbally or physically abused and believed it. For you BITS, that would include "piece of work." What DOES that mean? If you can get to the root and pull it out, that will never be a vulnerability for you, again. We do have to be strong, BITS. But not in the sick way our family taught us to do it. I know I sound like a goofball, but there is power in choosing love. Just pick it. I don't know what it means when I say that half the time, either. But it sets an intention, a guideline for us. Posting will help so much, BITS. We need input from those not wounded in the same way. Together, we can all be stronger. Maybe, we can even be strong enough. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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