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Regret vs Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761779" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know I think one of the things that makes it hard for many of us on the forum, is that our empathy for our adult children blinds us from the fact that these are adult people, no different than we are. While adults have empathy for one another and can often as if "walk in the same shoes" this does not mean that we need to be with each other, as if the other is a baby. Our children need to develop the resources to be alone in this world, because ultimately each of us is alone and our children will certainly be without their mothers when each of us dies.</p><p></p><p>Nomad. I think the latter part of this sentence is the most important, and the first part, less so, and the middle part "an important lesson" even less so. I think we have not one iota of power to teach by our example. The lessons our children learn come from "life" and the world apart from us. They do not learn in relation to us. I really don't think so.</p><p></p><p>For the longest time I have believed I needed to set a moral example for my son. No. I have to be moral for myself. I must protect myself.</p><p></p><p>I think the only obligation you have is to yourself. To be a good person, yes. But no longer do we need to be in relation to our children to teach or change them. If they can't learn, and they are intolerable to be around, it's on them, unless/until we can find a way that they no longer hurt us.</p><p></p><p>I agree with everybody else. Laura's son behaved intolerably. It doesn't matter why. The behavior in itself is enough and inexcusable. He may learn. He may not. But until he can control his behavior enough to treat her in a way that she is worthy of being treated, no. No way.</p><p></p><p>I no longer see my son. I am no longer physically with him. I speak to him on the phone. I may let him live in a property I own, conditionally. But I find it unbearable to be with him. So I am not. I pay a real price for this. But like so many other parents on this forum, the price is too high to be near him. Feeling triggered or sad or frightened would be way way worse.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761779, member: 18958"] You know I think one of the things that makes it hard for many of us on the forum, is that our empathy for our adult children blinds us from the fact that these are adult people, no different than we are. While adults have empathy for one another and can often as if "walk in the same shoes" this does not mean that we need to be with each other, as if the other is a baby. Our children need to develop the resources to be alone in this world, because ultimately each of us is alone and our children will certainly be without their mothers when each of us dies. Nomad. I think the latter part of this sentence is the most important, and the first part, less so, and the middle part "an important lesson" even less so. I think we have not one iota of power to teach by our example. The lessons our children learn come from "life" and the world apart from us. They do not learn in relation to us. I really don't think so. For the longest time I have believed I needed to set a moral example for my son. No. I have to be moral for myself. I must protect myself. I think the only obligation you have is to yourself. To be a good person, yes. But no longer do we need to be in relation to our children to teach or change them. If they can't learn, and they are intolerable to be around, it's on them, unless/until we can find a way that they no longer hurt us. I agree with everybody else. Laura's son behaved intolerably. It doesn't matter why. The behavior in itself is enough and inexcusable. He may learn. He may not. But until he can control his behavior enough to treat her in a way that she is worthy of being treated, no. No way. I no longer see my son. I am no longer physically with him. I speak to him on the phone. I may let him live in a property I own, conditionally. But I find it unbearable to be with him. So I am not. I pay a real price for this. But like so many other parents on this forum, the price is too high to be near him. Feeling triggered or sad or frightened would be way way worse. [/QUOTE]
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