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Regret vs Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 761788" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>Copa…regarding this: “We have pulled back almost totally. Consequences. An important lesson. Plus you must protect yourself.” And this reply from you “Nomad. I think the latter part of this sentence is the most important.. I think we have not one iota of power to teach by our example. The lessons our children learn come from "life" and the world apart from us. They do not learn in relation to us. I really don't think so.”</p><p></p><p>I think what you said is greatly true. But I Think since we want so much to help them (you touched on this) our kids often don’t experience natural consequences. Yelling at your parents who are trying to help you basically SHOULD result in a negative (for lack of a better word) and extra so if that child is sn adult. If it doesn’t or often doesn’t, we are negatively enforcing bad behavior. So the lesson of cause and effect can at least start with us. I think. BUT then again, I actually largely agree with you as well. Our life lessons aren’t nearly as powerful of those in real life. The loss of a friend, a lover, a job, health…something of value. We seem to be often not truly valuable. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> We are assumed to be people who stick around and will cater to their issues…even when they are abusive… because after all…they are our children and we love them. Meh. NO.</p><p></p><p>It’s just a subtle difference. I think the cause and effect concept can start with us. I think it might make a small, but real impact.</p><p></p><p>But..yep…our happiness is most important. This goes double once our “kids” become adults. Not only have we earned it…but it doesn’t do them an iota of good to be miserable. No good to ignore their abuse. Abuse is abuse. No way should we tolerate it. Walk away. Life is too short to be bogged down (and that doesn't even begin to describe this crxp) with their drama trauma. Life really is good and we absolutely must relish it. This means making what often is the hard choice of pushing them aside and moving forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 761788, member: 4152"] Copa…regarding this: “We have pulled back almost totally. Consequences. An important lesson. Plus you must protect yourself.” And this reply from you “Nomad. I think the latter part of this sentence is the most important.. I think we have not one iota of power to teach by our example. The lessons our children learn come from "life" and the world apart from us. They do not learn in relation to us. I really don't think so.” I think what you said is greatly true. But I Think since we want so much to help them (you touched on this) our kids often don’t experience natural consequences. Yelling at your parents who are trying to help you basically SHOULD result in a negative (for lack of a better word) and extra so if that child is sn adult. If it doesn’t or often doesn’t, we are negatively enforcing bad behavior. So the lesson of cause and effect can at least start with us. I think. BUT then again, I actually largely agree with you as well. Our life lessons aren’t nearly as powerful of those in real life. The loss of a friend, a lover, a job, health…something of value. We seem to be often not truly valuable. :( We are assumed to be people who stick around and will cater to their issues…even when they are abusive… because after all…they are our children and we love them. Meh. NO. It’s just a subtle difference. I think the cause and effect concept can start with us. I think it might make a small, but real impact. But..yep…our happiness is most important. This goes double once our “kids” become adults. Not only have we earned it…but it doesn’t do them an iota of good to be miserable. No good to ignore their abuse. Abuse is abuse. No way should we tolerate it. Walk away. Life is too short to be bogged down (and that doesn't even begin to describe this crxp) with their drama trauma. Life really is good and we absolutely must relish it. This means making what often is the hard choice of pushing them aside and moving forward. [/QUOTE]
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