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rehab question
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739593" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Just my two cents - but I think at 21 your son should start taking responsibility for his own recovery. I think we don't do our kids any favors when we prolong adolescence and make ourselves responsible for them too far into their 20s. At 21, he's still young, and you'll have to make the call how long you want to treat him as a young person still under your care and when you transition to considering him a full adult. I don't think it's a cut and dry answer at that age. You know your son best, and your financial situation. But so many of us have poured resources into minor and young adult children, only to realize later that the only effective treatment is the one they truly want and take responsibility for themselves. </p><p></p><p>I would encourage you not to spend money you don't have or put your own health or retirement at risk. I always keep the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others" mantra in mind. You can't help anyone if you go under. So take care of you and your future needs, and don't feel guilty. After all...can you count on him to help YOU if the resourcesyou expend now put you in dire straights in your older years? </p><p></p><p>When my kids were that age, there wasn't the option of keeping them on insurance past 18 unless they were a high school or full-time college student and considered a dependent. So insurance-based rehab programs were not an option once they hit legal adulthood and were out on their own. And I certainly didn't have the money to pay tens of thousands of dollars for private treatment. I used to feel really guilty about that, and wonder whether those treatment programs would have made a difference. But the more I learn the more I think it would have been money down the drain at that point anyway. I've watched a couple of friends empty retirement accounts and get second mortgages on houses trying to scrape together funds for programs, only to see their kids relapse within weeks or months of release. I promised myself I would not put my future stability at risk. I do what I can - I've paid to get them set up with apartments, purchased cars, provided groceries, and paid for education and job training programs. I've provided transportation to counseling or treatment centers. But I don't cosign loans or leases and I don't commit to paying for treatments or programs I cannot afford. I don't pay off debts, medical or otherwise, I did not incur. There are community-based options they can check themselves into. There is AA. There are things they can be doing to get help on their own, free or sliding scale. If they are doing these things, MAYBE I would consider helping to pay for something more - private counseling, for example, or expenses for a sober living house for a few months. But they have to be in charge of their recovery as adults. I cannot be in charge. </p><p></p><p>As far as living with his uncle...I don't know. How does your brother feel about it? Is he willing to assume the risks if things go badly? What are the parameters your son would have to live within? What are the consequences if he fails to live within them? What's plan B if it doesn't work out? And how committed is your son to making that time a true opportunity for a new life, vs. a temporary respite from the trouble he's gotten himself into?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739593, member: 23349"] Just my two cents - but I think at 21 your son should start taking responsibility for his own recovery. I think we don't do our kids any favors when we prolong adolescence and make ourselves responsible for them too far into their 20s. At 21, he's still young, and you'll have to make the call how long you want to treat him as a young person still under your care and when you transition to considering him a full adult. I don't think it's a cut and dry answer at that age. You know your son best, and your financial situation. But so many of us have poured resources into minor and young adult children, only to realize later that the only effective treatment is the one they truly want and take responsibility for themselves. I would encourage you not to spend money you don't have or put your own health or retirement at risk. I always keep the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others" mantra in mind. You can't help anyone if you go under. So take care of you and your future needs, and don't feel guilty. After all...can you count on him to help YOU if the resourcesyou expend now put you in dire straights in your older years? When my kids were that age, there wasn't the option of keeping them on insurance past 18 unless they were a high school or full-time college student and considered a dependent. So insurance-based rehab programs were not an option once they hit legal adulthood and were out on their own. And I certainly didn't have the money to pay tens of thousands of dollars for private treatment. I used to feel really guilty about that, and wonder whether those treatment programs would have made a difference. But the more I learn the more I think it would have been money down the drain at that point anyway. I've watched a couple of friends empty retirement accounts and get second mortgages on houses trying to scrape together funds for programs, only to see their kids relapse within weeks or months of release. I promised myself I would not put my future stability at risk. I do what I can - I've paid to get them set up with apartments, purchased cars, provided groceries, and paid for education and job training programs. I've provided transportation to counseling or treatment centers. But I don't cosign loans or leases and I don't commit to paying for treatments or programs I cannot afford. I don't pay off debts, medical or otherwise, I did not incur. There are community-based options they can check themselves into. There is AA. There are things they can be doing to get help on their own, free or sliding scale. If they are doing these things, MAYBE I would consider helping to pay for something more - private counseling, for example, or expenses for a sober living house for a few months. But they have to be in charge of their recovery as adults. I cannot be in charge. As far as living with his uncle...I don't know. How does your brother feel about it? Is he willing to assume the risks if things go badly? What are the parameters your son would have to live within? What are the consequences if he fails to live within them? What's plan B if it doesn't work out? And how committed is your son to making that time a true opportunity for a new life, vs. a temporary respite from the trouble he's gotten himself into? [/QUOTE]
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