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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 670748" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Abide by the terms of whatever your agreement with M was I think, Copa. Integrity to ourselves is an important part of our healing. As you agreed to do things a certain way, then try very hard to meet the terms of the agreement you made. This helps us to stay present, and to maintain internal, versus external, locus of control in the following ways: We do not promise things we don't want to do to please someone else. We learn to consider our words and take ourselves seriously. </p><p></p><p>That is a big step for us, to stop being the nice, pliable guy.</p><p></p><p>When we stay present through the difficult process of saying "no", we are learning to respect ourselves, and to mean what we say. We learn we can speak calmly, and that we can take time to think.</p><p></p><p>So, for all those reasons, this will be a good time to abide by whatever the terms of your agreement with M for a specified time. Say, three days. Then, think how you feel. If you wish to change the agreement, say so. Once you are present Copa, once you have internal locus of control, M's behaviors will be M's behaviors, and will have nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>This is for you. It is coming now because you are ready.</p><p></p><p>I would like to see M treat you more kindly, but if you have made an agreement, then you should abide by it not for his sake, but for your own.</p><p></p><p>This is an excellent exercise for you, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I did things like that this summer, now that I think about it. It was part of telling myself the truth about my childhood, and about who was the liar, here.</p><p>Remember my going through that? Reclaiming the right to my integrity was a piece of that. </p><p></p><p>Probably Copa, that is what is happening for you now, too.</p><p></p><p>It was a confusing time, as all times of change are. But I tried to do what I said I would. Or I would say, very clearly, that I would not do whatever it was. This was an important part of that time of growth.</p><p></p><p>We were brought up to people please.</p><p></p><p>Knowing the right thing when it comes to pleasing ourselves is tough.</p><p></p><p>We are learning now to please ourselves, and to trust ourselves to know what does please us. Remember when I would post about that family dinner and how much I wanted it? And then, as I came through the part about lies and integrity, I realized that dinner had so little to do with pleasing myself. It had to do with the fantasy that somehow, everything was going to be okay.</p><p></p><p>And along about then, I realized I don't exactly know what pleases me.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>But reclaiming our "no" is a good place to start. That means honoring our agreements or facing up to speaking up, and we can do that so easily, Copa.</p><p></p><p>We will be here, if you decided to break away for a little bit and come back.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 670748, member: 17461"] Abide by the terms of whatever your agreement with M was I think, Copa. Integrity to ourselves is an important part of our healing. As you agreed to do things a certain way, then try very hard to meet the terms of the agreement you made. This helps us to stay present, and to maintain internal, versus external, locus of control in the following ways: We do not promise things we don't want to do to please someone else. We learn to consider our words and take ourselves seriously. That is a big step for us, to stop being the nice, pliable guy. When we stay present through the difficult process of saying "no", we are learning to respect ourselves, and to mean what we say. We learn we can speak calmly, and that we can take time to think. So, for all those reasons, this will be a good time to abide by whatever the terms of your agreement with M for a specified time. Say, three days. Then, think how you feel. If you wish to change the agreement, say so. Once you are present Copa, once you have internal locus of control, M's behaviors will be M's behaviors, and will have nothing to do with you. This is for you. It is coming now because you are ready. I would like to see M treat you more kindly, but if you have made an agreement, then you should abide by it not for his sake, but for your own. This is an excellent exercise for you, Copa. I did things like that this summer, now that I think about it. It was part of telling myself the truth about my childhood, and about who was the liar, here. Remember my going through that? Reclaiming the right to my integrity was a piece of that. Probably Copa, that is what is happening for you now, too. It was a confusing time, as all times of change are. But I tried to do what I said I would. Or I would say, very clearly, that I would not do whatever it was. This was an important part of that time of growth. We were brought up to people please. Knowing the right thing when it comes to pleasing ourselves is tough. We are learning now to please ourselves, and to trust ourselves to know what does please us. Remember when I would post about that family dinner and how much I wanted it? And then, as I came through the part about lies and integrity, I realized that dinner had so little to do with pleasing myself. It had to do with the fantasy that somehow, everything was going to be okay. And along about then, I realized I don't exactly know what pleases me. Isn't that something. But reclaiming our "no" is a good place to start. That means honoring our agreements or facing up to speaking up, and we can do that so easily, Copa. We will be here, if you decided to break away for a little bit and come back. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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