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Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671214" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think it is like what they say happens in a relationship where one of the persons has been physically sick, or has been very heavy ~ or even, has been alcoholic, and stops drinking. The patterns that have been seeded in the relationship have become habits. We do what we do "in the zone", and find comfort there because, however unbalanced it is, we can predict what will happen with some degree of regularity. </p><p></p><p>Thus, no fear.</p><p></p><p>But also, no intimacy. Intimacy is a very risky business. Everyone is always naming the ten thousand ways we interact but what it comes down to is that we must be very strong in ourselves to be present, to allow intimacy, to feel and be unguarded at that depth and not be afraid of being destroyed. I am not there yet, either. I think that is why we are fascinated by these questions now.</p><p></p><p>We are going there, next.</p><p></p><p>Not so much a triumph as a fact, just a fact and therefore, beautiful. I would always read things like that, but I am only now realizing I did not understand the concept being expressed. It goes hand in had with "Nothing real can be threatened; nothing unreal exists."</p><p></p><p>So it has to do with fear, but I don't know the complexities of it yet.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>In relationship, when one of us changes, everyone's main concern at first is to come back into balance. If one of us has become healthier and refuses to accept the old patterns, no one knows what to do. If we love ourselves enough to hold faith with ourselves (and maybe, that only has to be just a little, just enough to recognize ourselves in ourselves as we heal old traumas), then, we can love one another enough to change the patterns of interaction. </p><p></p><p>Somebody has to go first.</p><p></p><p>These are both subtle and hugely obvious changes. Courage is required from everyone, and faith, because nothing is certain anymore and everything requires thought and we have to go naked, without our roles. We risk disappearing; we are without defense unless we are very present to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to be real and not role.</p><p></p><p>We see one another; we see beneath the roles, maybe for the first time, and fall into a kind of intimacy that makes sexual intimacy seem like just a physical thing, almost a meaningless thing, just a part of life and nothing so close as a smile or a glance or the comfort of touch.</p><p></p><p>For us especially, this kind of naked requires incredible courage. Even for you to demand that M not "catch you because you were falling" took huge mojo, huge testicles, Copa. There was a time when the abuser taught you that is who you were ~ that truth was in the initial abuser's eyes and you were not. Part of the damage done us is that we were not seen as the human we are when we were abused as children. What we saw in their eyes was hatred and rage and self-justification <em>but even worse, what we did not see in their eyes was us. We were erased, for them to do what they did.</em></p><p></p><p><em>So, when we revisit traumatic incidents (as you do Copa, each time M behaves physically) we cannot see ourselves there; there is no reflection of us in the abuser's eyes.</em></p><p></p><p>That is the unbearable truth we learned, the hole at the centers of our families of origin, the thing beneath the shame.</p><p></p><p>That is why we have to love ourselves on faith.</p><p></p><p>Believe.</p><p></p><p>And sure enough, there we will be. That is the essence of powerlessness: that we are not seen. That someone hurts us and does not even see us. When M apologized for his behavior on the highway that time Copa, his apology had to do with not seeing you <em>or himself.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That was the crux of the betrayal.</em></p><p></p><p>We need to see ourselves, and we need to see ourselves through our own eyes <em>and we need to love, and not shame, the little girl or that little boy that we were. We need to find them, and witness for them and believe for them until they believe in us.</em></p><p></p><p>To have been abused is a lonely thing.</p><p></p><p>We were not seen.</p><p></p><p>And that is the heart of the hurt.</p><p></p><p>That we were made invisible, and used. That the abuser justified what he did because he (or she) was a coward and coward's do justify their actions or...or they would be Germany, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Like we are.</p><p></p><p>You were always Germany, Copa.</p><p></p><p>But you couldn't see it.</p><p></p><p>These are some of the patterns we are working through as we heal. Integrity is important because when we miss that mark, that is how we know to explore the wound revealed there.</p><p></p><p>This seems true to me regarding my own process. It is difficult to admit my own shortcomings because it echoes for me that invisibility that shame covers.</p><p></p><p>Invisibility, seen but discounted, is what lives beneath shame. </p><p></p><p>It is a frightening, shocking feeling.</p><p></p><p>I cannot imagine how any of us survived it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671214, member: 17461"] I think it is like what they say happens in a relationship where one of the persons has been physically sick, or has been very heavy ~ or even, has been alcoholic, and stops drinking. The patterns that have been seeded in the relationship have become habits. We do what we do "in the zone", and find comfort there because, however unbalanced it is, we can predict what will happen with some degree of regularity. Thus, no fear. But also, no intimacy. Intimacy is a very risky business. Everyone is always naming the ten thousand ways we interact but what it comes down to is that we must be very strong in ourselves to be present, to allow intimacy, to feel and be unguarded at that depth and not be afraid of being destroyed. I am not there yet, either. I think that is why we are fascinated by these questions now. We are going there, next. Not so much a triumph as a fact, just a fact and therefore, beautiful. I would always read things like that, but I am only now realizing I did not understand the concept being expressed. It goes hand in had with "Nothing real can be threatened; nothing unreal exists." So it has to do with fear, but I don't know the complexities of it yet. *** In relationship, when one of us changes, everyone's main concern at first is to come back into balance. If one of us has become healthier and refuses to accept the old patterns, no one knows what to do. If we love ourselves enough to hold faith with ourselves (and maybe, that only has to be just a little, just enough to recognize ourselves in ourselves as we heal old traumas), then, we can love one another enough to change the patterns of interaction. Somebody has to go first. These are both subtle and hugely obvious changes. Courage is required from everyone, and faith, because nothing is certain anymore and everything requires thought and we have to go naked, without our roles. We risk disappearing; we are without defense unless we are very present to ourselves. It is very hard to be real and not role. We see one another; we see beneath the roles, maybe for the first time, and fall into a kind of intimacy that makes sexual intimacy seem like just a physical thing, almost a meaningless thing, just a part of life and nothing so close as a smile or a glance or the comfort of touch. For us especially, this kind of naked requires incredible courage. Even for you to demand that M not "catch you because you were falling" took huge mojo, huge testicles, Copa. There was a time when the abuser taught you that is who you were ~ that truth was in the initial abuser's eyes and you were not. Part of the damage done us is that we were not seen as the human we are when we were abused as children. What we saw in their eyes was hatred and rage and self-justification [I]but even worse, what we did not see in their eyes was us. We were erased, for them to do what they did.[/I] [I]So, when we revisit traumatic incidents (as you do Copa, each time M behaves physically) we cannot see ourselves there; there is no reflection of us in the abuser's eyes.[/I] That is the unbearable truth we learned, the hole at the centers of our families of origin, the thing beneath the shame. That is why we have to love ourselves on faith. Believe. And sure enough, there we will be. That is the essence of powerlessness: that we are not seen. That someone hurts us and does not even see us. When M apologized for his behavior on the highway that time Copa, his apology had to do with not seeing you [I]or himself.[/I] [I]That was the crux of the betrayal.[/I] We need to see ourselves, and we need to see ourselves through our own eyes [I]and we need to love, and not shame, the little girl or that little boy that we were. We need to find them, and witness for them and believe for them until they believe in us.[/I] To have been abused is a lonely thing. We were not seen. And that is the heart of the hurt. That we were made invisible, and used. That the abuser justified what he did because he (or she) was a coward and coward's do justify their actions or...or they would be Germany, Copa. Like we are. You were always Germany, Copa. But you couldn't see it. These are some of the patterns we are working through as we heal. Integrity is important because when we miss that mark, that is how we know to explore the wound revealed there. This seems true to me regarding my own process. It is difficult to admit my own shortcomings because it echoes for me that invisibility that shame covers. Invisibility, seen but discounted, is what lives beneath shame. It is a frightening, shocking feeling. I cannot imagine how any of us survived it. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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