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Relief at finding a site like this, does my situation fit?
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 567451" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>A big tip off for Reactive Attachment Disorder is that kids are charming and appropriate in public situations (survival skill they learn) and are inappropriate in settings where they are pushed to bond. They often are even able to be better for one parent and horrible to the other which divides people against eachother. This is why only experts in reactive attachment disorder can even assess this much less help. They see through the child's acting sweet at times and the show they can put on. They see which comes first, conflict in the family or the child's inability to bond/low conscience /etc. </p><p></p><p>I'd wonder about fetal alcohol syndrome too and really wonder about the combination of Fetal Alcohol&Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). </p><p>You are connected to this man now because of the baby. But I would be of the mind that you will need to co parent and not live together. You will need to make sure all parent visitations are not when the older son is there unless going out to eat with you and the dad both supervising in public etc. Never a situation where he could even hug the baby. (My son would hug me and while looking sweet would be pinching me hard or pulling my hair hiding his hand under my hair. He was very young when I adopted him and intensive attachment therapy did help but he was never an unattached child. That said he is not a normally attached child and still has struggles. If I had another child he would not be living at home. I turned down another adoptive placement because I knew it would never work. </p><p>I know this is scary and there are some brain based therapies that are cutting edge that some say are making huge differences but access is limited and your SO isn't even acknowledging that there is a problem. Kids that are this severely involved, even if this is not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or FASD, require intensive specialists and therapies and supervision. Cameras, locks on things, etc. Puberty hits and violence often multiplies. </p><p></p><p>Do we still love and parent them? Of course. But the type of parenting is different and sometimes means they have to live out of the home. </p><p>The standard to keep in mind is that love is not enough. </p><p></p><p>We.don't know what his diagnosis is and are only guessing on ideas based on what you are saying and our own experiences. I wish I could paint an easier picture but this poor child is already hurting others. Without a safe living situation, he is likely to do something where his parents have no control over where he ends up and his self concept will be that he is bad, a crook, etc. It's kinder in my humble opinion, to find a place for him where he can be supervised and helped to reach his potential while not having to struggle with family issues and his lack of judgement or self control.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for you and for this child. Your responsibility is to your birth children. If they are emotionally and/or physically hurt you will be devastated. </p><p>I'm very sorry for you. It's going to be tricky to say the least. </p><p></p><p>Look up Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder online and see what you think. Also check out Fetal Alcohol Effect/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 567451, member: 12886"] A big tip off for Reactive Attachment Disorder is that kids are charming and appropriate in public situations (survival skill they learn) and are inappropriate in settings where they are pushed to bond. They often are even able to be better for one parent and horrible to the other which divides people against eachother. This is why only experts in reactive attachment disorder can even assess this much less help. They see through the child's acting sweet at times and the show they can put on. They see which comes first, conflict in the family or the child's inability to bond/low conscience /etc. I'd wonder about fetal alcohol syndrome too and really wonder about the combination of Fetal Alcohol&Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). You are connected to this man now because of the baby. But I would be of the mind that you will need to co parent and not live together. You will need to make sure all parent visitations are not when the older son is there unless going out to eat with you and the dad both supervising in public etc. Never a situation where he could even hug the baby. (My son would hug me and while looking sweet would be pinching me hard or pulling my hair hiding his hand under my hair. He was very young when I adopted him and intensive attachment therapy did help but he was never an unattached child. That said he is not a normally attached child and still has struggles. If I had another child he would not be living at home. I turned down another adoptive placement because I knew it would never work. I know this is scary and there are some brain based therapies that are cutting edge that some say are making huge differences but access is limited and your SO isn't even acknowledging that there is a problem. Kids that are this severely involved, even if this is not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or FASD, require intensive specialists and therapies and supervision. Cameras, locks on things, etc. Puberty hits and violence often multiplies. Do we still love and parent them? Of course. But the type of parenting is different and sometimes means they have to live out of the home. The standard to keep in mind is that love is not enough. We.don't know what his diagnosis is and are only guessing on ideas based on what you are saying and our own experiences. I wish I could paint an easier picture but this poor child is already hurting others. Without a safe living situation, he is likely to do something where his parents have no control over where he ends up and his self concept will be that he is bad, a crook, etc. It's kinder in my humble opinion, to find a place for him where he can be supervised and helped to reach his potential while not having to struggle with family issues and his lack of judgement or self control. I'm sorry for you and for this child. Your responsibility is to your birth children. If they are emotionally and/or physically hurt you will be devastated. I'm very sorry for you. It's going to be tricky to say the least. Look up Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder online and see what you think. Also check out Fetal Alcohol Effect/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders. [/QUOTE]
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