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Repeat after me: I will not strangle the teacher, I will not......
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 503866" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>GETTING BACK ON TOPIC HERE...</p><p></p><p>Allan was NOT saying that the traditional method of parenting (that the behaviour is spread across all situations) is accurate. Only that it is a commonly held belief, one which most of us here (including Allan) do NOT necessarily subscribe to any more, now we have learned from experience.</p><p></p><p>As for the homework debate - we've been there before and it really is not relevant to this thread. Start a new one or take it outside, children... no ball games in the living room!</p><p></p><p>LovelyBoy, what you describe with your son is so typical of what many of us have found. And yes, giving your child a "school-free zone" at home is a good start, where you can manage it. To do this you need to be able to work with your child's teachers.</p><p></p><p>Despite your wish to throttle the teacher (for just not getting it despite your attempts to explain) never forget that the teacher almost certainly really cares about your son. We've been down that road too - the teacher cares, but doesn't understand and therefore makes some big blunders. We did find comprehension beginning to dawn in most cases as we headed towards the end of the school year. </p><p></p><p>And that is another issue you may be dealing with - our difficult children have day by day mental fatigue, but also week by week and term by term. We would find the burnout factor greatly increasing the further we got into the school year. And teachers burn out too, and get to the "I can't cope, make it all stop" stage. Even the best of them.</p><p></p><p>Where possible, I always did better when I succeeded in educating the teacher. Not always possible, but often more possible than you realise. Some refuse to learn, but most really care. And even if the teacher doesn't get it until the last day of the school year, then at least the next difficult child that comes along will get a better hearing.</p><p></p><p>The advantage of educating the educators, has been an increased credibility with school staff in general over time. When we had problems a couple of years ago with difficult child 3's English teacher (who just didn't understand the complexity of the problems and had a combination of unrealistic expectations mixed with "there's no way someone with autism can do that") I had enough credibility and history with the rest of the school staff, that I was able to respond to false accusations from that teacher - she found herself out on a limb and had to retract her accusations. I was also able to handle matters in such a manner so I was still on good terms with this teacher at the end of the school year. We still chat. I still don't fully trust her, but I do recognise that she cares about my child and she also now realises how far she got it wrong. But by working with her (with a bit of clout from the subject head) we resolved issues instead of had a permanent state of war.</p><p></p><p>It can be done. It is frustrating when we are faced with people not getting it, when we thought we had made things clear. </p><p></p><p>All you can do, is keep trying. it is what our kids do. Let is follow their example, and keep trying to patiently explain, and work with positive reinforcement, to get some sort of improved communication.</p><p></p><p>My response to that teacher would be, "I understand you care about my son. I also understand that you believe I have been suckered by him. I need to assure you, I know this child well and also see the level of mental exhaustion he gets each day. I am glad he does well in your class- that says really good things about my child, and about his desire to please you. But it takes a far greater effort for him to do this, than for the average child.Once he gets home, he knows he can relax his vigilance, and tat is why we have the fallout If I clamp down hard on this behaviour, it all becomes too much for him. He cannot maintain his semblance of perfection for too many hours at a time, something's got to give. It is like a swan paddling on the lake - to the casual observer it looks serene, the image of tranquility. but if you look beneath the surface, there is a lot of furious activity required, to make this picture look so tranquil."</p><p></p><p>As with children, analogies work with teachers. They have a lot of other students to deal with, and whatever you can use to get the message across fastest will work best for them.</p><p></p><p>Be kind to the teacher. She is not being deliberately thick. She has just not yet understood a child like yours. And here, you can remedy that. But it will take time and effort, and we do get tired!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 503866, member: 1991"] GETTING BACK ON TOPIC HERE... Allan was NOT saying that the traditional method of parenting (that the behaviour is spread across all situations) is accurate. Only that it is a commonly held belief, one which most of us here (including Allan) do NOT necessarily subscribe to any more, now we have learned from experience. As for the homework debate - we've been there before and it really is not relevant to this thread. Start a new one or take it outside, children... no ball games in the living room! LovelyBoy, what you describe with your son is so typical of what many of us have found. And yes, giving your child a "school-free zone" at home is a good start, where you can manage it. To do this you need to be able to work with your child's teachers. Despite your wish to throttle the teacher (for just not getting it despite your attempts to explain) never forget that the teacher almost certainly really cares about your son. We've been down that road too - the teacher cares, but doesn't understand and therefore makes some big blunders. We did find comprehension beginning to dawn in most cases as we headed towards the end of the school year. And that is another issue you may be dealing with - our difficult children have day by day mental fatigue, but also week by week and term by term. We would find the burnout factor greatly increasing the further we got into the school year. And teachers burn out too, and get to the "I can't cope, make it all stop" stage. Even the best of them. Where possible, I always did better when I succeeded in educating the teacher. Not always possible, but often more possible than you realise. Some refuse to learn, but most really care. And even if the teacher doesn't get it until the last day of the school year, then at least the next difficult child that comes along will get a better hearing. The advantage of educating the educators, has been an increased credibility with school staff in general over time. When we had problems a couple of years ago with difficult child 3's English teacher (who just didn't understand the complexity of the problems and had a combination of unrealistic expectations mixed with "there's no way someone with autism can do that") I had enough credibility and history with the rest of the school staff, that I was able to respond to false accusations from that teacher - she found herself out on a limb and had to retract her accusations. I was also able to handle matters in such a manner so I was still on good terms with this teacher at the end of the school year. We still chat. I still don't fully trust her, but I do recognise that she cares about my child and she also now realises how far she got it wrong. But by working with her (with a bit of clout from the subject head) we resolved issues instead of had a permanent state of war. It can be done. It is frustrating when we are faced with people not getting it, when we thought we had made things clear. All you can do, is keep trying. it is what our kids do. Let is follow their example, and keep trying to patiently explain, and work with positive reinforcement, to get some sort of improved communication. My response to that teacher would be, "I understand you care about my son. I also understand that you believe I have been suckered by him. I need to assure you, I know this child well and also see the level of mental exhaustion he gets each day. I am glad he does well in your class- that says really good things about my child, and about his desire to please you. But it takes a far greater effort for him to do this, than for the average child.Once he gets home, he knows he can relax his vigilance, and tat is why we have the fallout If I clamp down hard on this behaviour, it all becomes too much for him. He cannot maintain his semblance of perfection for too many hours at a time, something's got to give. It is like a swan paddling on the lake - to the casual observer it looks serene, the image of tranquility. but if you look beneath the surface, there is a lot of furious activity required, to make this picture look so tranquil." As with children, analogies work with teachers. They have a lot of other students to deal with, and whatever you can use to get the message across fastest will work best for them. Be kind to the teacher. She is not being deliberately thick. She has just not yet understood a child like yours. And here, you can remedy that. But it will take time and effort, and we do get tired! Marg [/QUOTE]
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