Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I've tried to post this several times, but didn't. It's just so ridiculously stupid as to be unbelievable. But it's creating a situation.

    Go back a couple of weeks to when husband had his heart attack. Katie had just told me that Evan was horribly sick and had pneumonia. I'd explained to katie that she couldn't go visit her dad because we had no way of knowing if he had bacterial (non contagious) or viral (extremely contagious) and such a virus could be deadly not only to her dad but the entire unit if she happened to carry in the germs. I gave her the direct line number into her dad's room, she could call him at any time. If he wasn't up to answering, a nurse would pick it up and give her an update. by the way this must be new because it's the only ICU I've ever seen phones in patient rooms. Although last time I worked in one was 30 yrs ago. Katie was not happy and made it known. I was a bit irked but didn't worry about it. She wasn't going because I wasn't taking that risk.

    Unknown to me until after the fact, she mailed Nichole and told her I was being mean to her and not letting her go see her dad. Now this was more than a bit stupid on her part. Nichole had just had Oliver and was hormonal. Plus, c'mon, her dad (and she's always been daddy's girl) just had a massive heart attack, and both easy child and Nichole already knew about the conversation I'd had with katie. They'd both seen the actual mail. They get on my fb acct from time to time when they need something for one of their games. Nichole went off on her in a big way, although for Nichole it was fairly mild. The whining and tattling katie did in her mail just struck a nerve. She'd called her out on the whining while refusing to do anything to improve the things she complained about, she confronted her on the pretending to look for work while actually making no effort and living on Alex's disability, she confronted her about M's latest nude posting on fb....and even about why it was such a horrible thing for him to do and his horrible interactions with the kids.......

    Then she unfriended her because she just couldn't stand the daily whining sessions posted on her fb page.

    I found out I think a few days later. I didn't worry about it. I had other things on my mind and Nichole hadn't told katie anything I haven't already told her multiple times myself.

    Then husband passed away. The girls attempted to contact katie the moment they reached my house. By phone, fb, her cells. We didn't reach her until 1:30pm, the viewing we'd arranged for her was at 2pm. I'd totally forgotten that Nichole had told her off. Heck, even Nichole had already forgotten about it. But as I think back it, now it makes sense that katie was practically up my rear while we were at the funeral home. I guess she was afraid Nichole would confront her again. But my kids were raised right, and difficult child or not, they know there is a time and place and that was not it.

    While making plans for the memorial, Nichole decided it would be a good idea to have everyone stop at her house to eat after. Nothing fancy, just finger foods, and a chance to visit a bit as no one is going to feel comfortable doing that at the cemetery and many people we haven't seen in several years. So I relayed the plans to katie.

    Katie writes back that she knows that with all that I'm already going through at the moment that she shouldn't bring this up, and that I'll probably just take Nichole's side anyway and get so furious I'll never talk to her again, and that she doesn't want to drag me into this but........(those buts will get you every time) And then she proceeded to inform me of everything Nichole attacked her with with some embellishments to make it worse, left some things out to make herself look better. Her reason for dragging me into it was that she didn't feel Nichole would welcome her into her home. That Nichole had hurt her terribly and she wasn't talking to her now. AND included that she let kayla read those mails!! So now kayla is very upset with the aunt she has always adored.

    D*mn straight I was furious. She knew it wasn't the time to bring it up, she knew there was a high chance I'd be furious with her, she knew there was a huge chance I'd side with Nichole......and yet she went right ahead and drug me into it, and decided while she was at it she'd drag Kayla into it as well. Let's see........so she knew better......and did it anyway. Because no one else's feelings matter except katie's.

    The girl is darn lucky she mailed that and didn't have the guts to tell me to my face.

    So, evidently katie had to twist this so that even with her father's sudden death, she is once again the "victim". Gag me.

    I mailed her back, I'd have called her but I wanted to make sure she got everything I said. I told her that Nichole hadn't said anything that I hadn't already said to her numerous times, and strange enough she was still talking to me. I told her that is the way family works. If there is a concern, especially a serious concern, family is going to speak up in hopes of getting the person to see it and do something about it. And when the person you're trying to help only comes back with ridiculous excuses for outrageous behavior....frustration is going to make it harder to be tactful when doing so. She'd flat out denied that M had posted the most recent picture on myspace or that it was taken in the apartment. She'd claimed to go looking in all his hiding places and found nothing. (no clue what she was talking about, the picture was online) I told her I'd not only found it too, I had a hard copy. I'd printed it knowing myspace would take it down and I knew she'd deny it and it was to show her proof. She didn't like that much. While I somehow managed to do it tactfully, I backed Nichole up completely. I told her Nichole was upset (with good reason) and hormonal and had actually been quite gentle with her reaming, and to get over herself.

    Her excuses, all we ever get is excuses, were that M is seeing a psychiatrist for his "issues". Personally, I think this is made up unless cps is involved. That they can't force people to hire them. No, but you can dress appropriately, look as if you actually want to work, and actually look for the jobs and put in applications.

    I told her Nichole would not say anything about her coming to her house after the services. It hadn't even come up.

    When Nichole had found out katie had come tattling to me, she was livid, even more so when she found out Kayla had been allowed to read the mails. It was all I could do to prevent her from really blasting her. And I only managed that by reminding her this wasn't the proper time, and telling her if she still felt so strongly she could do it after the memorial. (nichole had gotten on my acct to do something for a game and spotted the mail from katie)

    Katie hasn't said another word about it. I let it drop because honestly I had more important things to worry about than her hurt feelings. Nichole decided to try to be the bigger person. She mailed katie and told her that she was welcome in her home, but to not dare to use her as an excuse to back out of coming to their father's memorial service. If katie, for whatever reason, didn't want to go then to just say so and to leave Nichole out of it, she wasn't going to be her scapegoat.

    Katie blocked Nichole after that mail.

    It probably hit too close to the truth.

    Katie continues to whine to me, not about this, but about everything else. Evan's teacher is about to rip her hair out over his behavior in class and total lack of discipline. According to katie, the teacher confronts Kayla about it instead of sending notes home or contacting katie. Bull. The notes are probably being ignored or thrown away and katie unplugs the house phone and turns off the cells the moment the kids go off to school in the morning. (gee I wonder why people can't call her for interviews) Now suddenly all 3 kids are asthmatic. Bull again. None of them are. Seasonal allergies, yes. Asthma, no. No symptoms. So either she's making it up or she's flat out lying to the doctor. (which she's already on her 3rd doctor with them)

    After sobbing at the funeral home about how guilty she felt over not developing a relationship with her dad this past year, and not calling him at the hospital (she did once, kayla did all the talking) and not visiting when he came home.......I told her in a really cold voice to go home and call her mom. It was a strong hint that what she was doing to her mom was worse. She called her mom, but only to get pity because her dad died. The rest went right over her head.

    M, as everyone knows, I can't stand. He has serious mental issues.....and the whole I've got to flash myself in front of the entire world compulsion is disturbing on multiple levels for various reasons, he's obviously developmentally delayed, has the IQ of a toad, is pretty self centered, lazy......Well, we all know I could go on. Yet the first thing he did when he found out was offer to do my yard work. The man knows what it looks like, it would not be fun to tackle the jungle in my back yard. But, being the person I am, I also give credit where credit is due. He is the one who cares for my grandkids. He gets them up in the morning, finds them clean clothing, makes their breakfast, walks them to the bus stop. If there are errands to run, he's the one doing the walking to do them, including the food shopping and stuff katie should be doing herself. He is the one cleaning the house, cooking the meals. He's the one who plays with the kids......and yeah it's because he never managed to grow up, but at least he interacts with them.

    As much as I want to lay the blame all at M's feet, it just doesn't wash with what I've been seeing over the past year. And as much as I've tried to deny it, there is so much more going on with Katie behind those closed doors than I'm little miss helpless. She does nothing. Seriously. Her interaction with the kids is extremely limited, and basically only for "show". If the kids want, need something they never go to her, it's always M. Affection? They avoid her, again, it's M. Who do they always talk about? M. Katie won't go anywhere unless they have the cash to pay for the cab or FRS services will drive them. She'll send M instead, even if he hasn't got a clue what he's doing.

    This of course is only the tip of the iceburg. But far too often I've wondered if M is just katie's fall guy. If something goes wrong, if she's caught out in something, whatever, her finger points to M. Call her on it and it's but you don't understand.....I love him. If welfare paperwork is not turned in or whatever, it's M's fault. If a doctor doesn't understand about the kids, it's M's fault. (wth is HE taking them for?) Everything is M's fault. If we call her on her behavior? We're being mean and attacking her and I swear she'll find a way to twist it around so it's M's fault.

    Now like I said, I can't stand the guy. (although I'm wondering how much of that is katie's fault other than that whole sexual stuff) But if I force myself to look at the situation objectively, he's doing the best he can with what he knows, which isn't very much due to his background. While katie is playing the world for one huge svcker and getting away with it because she always blames M.

    That girl has got something far more serious going on than depression, borderline (the thing with Nichole is classic borderline), and I've got to be the victim no matter what thing. I hate to think of it........but I know she's got to be furious I'm backing Nichole on this (although I did say she's still trying to learn tact) yet she has no issue talking with me.....and I even, because she made me so mad, went on to tell her exactly what I thought of her situation. So it makes me wonder what she wants. We only hear from her when she wants something. I'm thinking she's hoping there is an inheritance from her dad, since coming here hoping there was one from her grandmother (who she always believed was rich) and that didn't pan out. If she does think there is an inheritance, then she's even less connected with reality than I thought.

    But I'm just sick and tired of trying with this kid. Tired of the lies and made up stories. Tired of her victim mentality.

    So now this "fight" with her and Nichole is hanging over the memorial. Katie is non confrontational. But kayla is, and she wants to come so she can say goodbye. Which is why I think katie let her see the mail. (and as a means to "punish" Nichole for calling her on her stuff) If there is a difficult child moment at any point during the memorial......well, they're going to find out just how difficult child dear ol' mom can be.

    I need to ask katie if she still plans to come. If so, she has to ride with me, which svcks as I really didn't want to drive but only so many can fit into easy child's car and her husband is driving so she doesn't have to drive. I will be dropping food off at Nichole's apartment beforehand. Then there will be the gathering at her apartment after. I'm not going to deal with any koi. This is about her dad, not her, not Nichole. She can either act like an adult, or stay home. No one cares if she doesn't go. And this time, the blame can't be laid at M's feet, he'd already volunteered to stay home and watch the boys. (not that he was welcome anyway, husband hated him with a passion)

    I had to sit on this for several days before posting. I know my emotions aren't' what they'd normally be. But making your dad's death all about you, just takes everything to a whole new level of how utterly disturbed you are. :sigh:
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry. You definitely don't need this on top of everything else.

    There's one thing in katie's story that I didn't want you to dismiss outright - and that's the teachers talking to kayla instead of sending a note home. That used to happen to my kids. The assumption was that somehow the oldest was responsible for the youngest....and they would make comments to her as though she was looking after her brother. Comments would be along the lines of "remind him to bring his books home" or "you need to show your brother how to behave on the bus". COMPLETELY inappropriate, in my humble opinion - but that's what would happen. So there may very well be some grain of truth to that...
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You're adult difficult child does not "get" (or refuses to "get") the feelings of others. I'm glad you can vent to our family because I'm positive that there is nothing to be gained venting to her. Many of us understand and all of us care greatly for you and wish you could just mourn in peace.

    i also understand your feelings about M. GFGmom's SO's have been dumb as stumps. on the other hand, even the straight from prison guy, took responsibility for cooking, cleaning up and alot of other chores that left GFGmom free to refer to herself as "Mommy" and not do a thing that Mommies do. Both of them also have shown spontaneous efforts to ease my burdens by doing chores that husband is not up to doing.

    Life shouldn't be this complicated. I'm sorry that yours continues to bring stress. Hugs. DDD
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs. I don't know what to say.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I wish that I had a magic answer for you. In a way? I hope Katie does not go to the memorial service. It would be much simpler for you, and Nichole.
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I readd your post 3x trying to make some sense of your situation. And it doesn't make sense. (LOL) Not at all. So just do what you have to do. What you WANT to do. Your heart is breaking, you're grieving and you have the UNIVERSE's permission to take care of you and ONLY you these next few days/weeks/months.

    So do whatever is easiest, take the path of least resistance, nod and say "how nice" southern style to anyone who offers a point of view or opinion. Place a bubble between you and family drama. She should be taking care of YOU not vice versa. Since she is not, YOU take care of YOU. I wish I could help

    Stay strong and just let the worry go...as best you can
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am thinking of u Lisa......I didn't realize you are not katie's bio mom? Did I read that right?
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    That's correct, Steely... Katie is her stepdaughter.

    Lisa... :hugs:... I wish I could make the behavior go away!
  9. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I hope things are at least "calm" for you on that day. I have no words of wisdom. I know your feelings are because of the grandkids involved. It's just too bad you can't take the supposed "adults" out of the situation.
  10. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Lisa- I'm sorry for your loss, first and foremost. I'm also sorry for all the additional trauma your difficult child is causing. Wish I was surprised, but it's pretty hard to find anything these kids do that surprises me. Please focus on yourself and what you need before anything else. I'm sending positive energy your way.
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It never ceases to amaze me, the lengths of selfishness some of our difficult children can go to. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now, you deserve some selfishness of your own.

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I know this is probably not your families style, although it wasn't ours either "until" there was a Katie.....but since you are such a good organizer and planner - hear me out. If you have a strong, male, member who has a wife that is perhaps a little calming - sort of the Auntie that everyone loves kind? At the memorial - and before this all goes down - have a signal worked out with them and ask them to watch you for a nod, or a head scratch or some sign that means to them that Katie is being a Katie and for them to please roust her out of the mainstream. PRONTO.

    Don't let any of your children know about it - just keep it on the down low - and plan ahead so that when you have that one relative in your family that never visits your Grandma, never has come to bring her a present in oh I dunno 15, 17 years and refuses to man up and be a pall bearer at her funeral but is OKAY with allowing a pregnant "star" and some strangers from the funeral home carry THEIR Grandmother to her final resting place....and as the favorite granddaughter and boxer you just want to go over to the casket and jerk him off the corpse while he is whailing like a little child, holding rosary beads (and he's not Catholic) and sobbing into her face and kissing her dead body? You won't have to go through the "family" moment of "star" taking him out back of the funeral home and ........(insert words of wisdom here) and his three other brothers and worthless sister who also were conspiring to GET ALL of Grannies "loot" -----OMG she lived with my Mom and Dad .......on SSI....are you serious?

    Yeah - so do yourself a huge favor - and have this all planned out because I swear at the next "family" funeral - not to make light of any memorial service of any kind? But I swear my Uncles Vinny and Knuckels - basically told him they would be taking ALL the fun out the funeral FOR him.....behind the mortuary.....and quietly escorted him down the hall, across the velvet covered ropes, out the door - and he came back in with a completely new and respectful attitude - and no making it ALL ABOUT HIM.....(I believe Uncle Knuckles made his moment outside by dumpster ALL about him)

    Just a thought -----Glad to see you're holding up, and I'd loan you Uncle Vinnie and Knuckles - but they're gone. And FYI-----their funerals I'm told went off without ANY incidents. lol. (Names were changed here to protect the innocent)
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon. What a mess, that's all I can think.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star, are you sure we're not related, dear?

    Nichole, bless her heart tried to make amends to the sake of her dad. Not apologize, but well, you know. Her "attack" wasn't directed at katie per se to begin with, it was mostly directed at M and the sexual stuff because she's so afraid Kayla or one of her friends will stumble upon it. It was katie who decided to take it personal and twist it. So Nichole tried to make amends. While ending it with not to use her as an excuse to not go to the memorial. Well, then katie flat out ignored her, which hit a raw nerve (gee I wonder why) and she really let her have it about the twisting things bit. And katie has blocked her completely from fb.

    Good grief.

    Well, the kid tried at least, which is more than I can say for katie.

    As long as katie doesn't get too mellow dramatic, it ought to be ok. Kayla I can silence with a look. But should it get out of hand, there will be people there that can handle it properly as long as Nichole isn't pushed too far. If that happens, there should be uncles there to step in. Once we're at Nichole's house the children will be staying in Aubrey's room to play.

    I'm just waiting for her to ask if there was a will or anything. I am soooo going to crack up laughing on her. Oh, yeah. We've been holding on by our nails most of our lives, then by the skin of our teeth the past two years........sure kiddo, there is a vast fortune to give away. We just like living dirt poor. :rolleyes:
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that you have to deal with gfgness from katie right now. I would have a very hard time going forward from that point in any positive way with katie.

  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lisa, I fully intend to be there, since I'm so close... And I'm just itching to pull Katie aside... :devil:
  17. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm looking at the possibility of being there, but I can't promise anything.
  18. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I want to be there too.....I already told you who I wanted to talk to. Sounds like I was a bit off though.

    Heh....I had a thought.

    If she asks about a will or inheritence? Give her one of your 50 cans of scouring powder from the supply closet. :bigsmile:
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think so - didn't you have an Uncle Knuckles? lol. And except for that talking thing I do alot of.......yes I believe we are. :flirtysmile3::congratualtions: