I'm thinking I should just give up and stay out of difficult child's life. He can't get whatever he needs if the focus stays on me and people battling with each other. God knows, I never tried to cause him any problems, but if I have, I certainly don't want to continue it. I sat here and spent the majority of the day doing what judge and gal wanted- as far as trying to call people and trying to get things lined up. I also emailed school, called the place where difficult child is now, contacted lady about medicaid (tried anyway and had to leave a message) and called my therapist to make an appointment. Not one of these people called me back. Now, I'm sitting here asking myself WTH am I doing. This is how it keeps going week after week and month after month. And now, I'm supposed to have an evaluation and a county meeting and meetings at psychiatric hospital and a court hearing within the next 3 weeks. The point of course is supposed to be able to provide difficult child a good home and have him return home and live a normal life. And they act like I'm 2 people here- one is the person working and providing this home and the other is the person who is always where they are telling me to be and doing what they want me to do. I can't continue to do these things and give him a normal life. I have to cut it off and stop and concentrate on going back to work with 2 part-time jobs now since my current one no longer needs me full time, even if I try. So, I need to find another part time one. That's just to pay bills. I have no idea how to get the walls fixed- money wise. You know, where difficult child is now it's no big deal if he gets mad and hits a wall because they are block walls. At home, it damages walls and doors and I am left with it to repair. I am left with the restitution to pay. And for what? To go to one fight after another? To be viewed as the problem or as an unstable person? I hope with everything in me that they don't send my son to my half-bro. That's all I can say. But of course, they will more than likely do that because it won't cost them anything. I don't know what I did to cause difficult child these problems. I don;t know how I caused him to cut himself or break the law or pull a knife at me. I was sitting in a different rooom when it happened. The only thing I can figure is that he knows I love him and thought I wouldn't turn him in for it. But I did. And what good would it do to try to advocate for him anymore- I feel so self-conscience right now that they just think I'm a whack job, or unfit, or the cause of his problems, or all the above, that I can't even imagine being able to have a conversation with any of them when being viewed that way. Maybe if I'm completely out of his life, someone will at some point have to look at his needs and how to get them met. difficult child and I both have to have some peace in our lives. We will never have peacein our lives if he's at home or even if things keep going the way they are. It seems like the only way to have peace for either of us is for me to get out of his life. I would bet the pennies I have left that they will leave whoever ha custody of him alone, as long as it's not me. GAL had dss put on standby and had them do a family assessment 2 years ago after difficult child went on his crime spree. DSS lady ended up telling me that no one in this county or state could or would do more for my son than what I was already doing. But, it had already instigated so much in my family that my half-bro filed for custody. Then, many thousands of dollars later, he dropped it. This is the kind of carp that we will be dealing with every time difficult child isn't stable if I'm involved because I am the one they see as the common denominator. They will never stop to look or think that maybe if they provided the needed help instead of looking for someone to blame, the problem might get better instead of escalating.