Rough Morming With difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Actually, it started last night! difficult child wanted easy child to play with him and easy child didn't want to. They start bickering about it, which is normal for kids. difficult child gets annoyed with easy child because easy child bickers back. In difficult child world, everyone just takes difficult child's crap and shuts their mouths while difficult child is verbally abusive. He's having a tough time learning that the real world is a different story. So the bickering escalates with difficult child threatening to hit easy child, which I hear and go upstairs to put a stop to. difficult child goes nuts! He thinks that I should not intervene and just let him beat the he!! out of his brother (who is 5 years younger). I told him that I would intervene no matter who threatened who. IF easy child said he was going to hit difficult child I would step in as well. That started this tirade about how if I were a better mother I would just let them fight it out and the fact that I don't just proves that I love easy child and not difficult child. He calms down and the rest of the night goes by without any problems.

    This morning I'm trying to get easy child up earlier than usual because difficult child made the honor roll and they were having the honor roll assembly this morning. All of the parents get to come and hear their child's name announced and the kid gets to walk across the stage to get a reward. A pin, or a tee shirt, or a medal. Something showing that they are an honor roll student. So, I'm trying to get easy child moving and difficult child walks into his room and says, "He's won't get up because he's fat and lazy!" easy child bickers back, "No, I'm not!" That starts the whole "no I'm not, yes you are" cycle, which, of course ends with difficult child threatening easy child again. "Do I have to beat the sh!t out of you? HUH?!" Again, I step in and separate them, which sends difficult child into a tailspin. He tells me to foget about going to the honor roll thing. He doesn't want me there because I don't really care about him.. I go call my in-laws, who were going to come to the assembly with me, and tell her that he doesn't want me to go. I get off the phone with mother in law and go to do some things that I needed to get done this morning when difficult child chases me down and starts screaming that he does want me to go and I needed to call mother in law RIGHT NOW and tell her that I'm going. I told him that I would gladly call her as soon as I was finished with what I was doing, which would only take me a few minutes. Not good enough. I needed to stop what I was doing because he told me to and call her NOW! Again, I said that I would call her when I was done and the more he bothered me the longer it was going to take because I have to keep stopping and talking to him. So he tells me to forget the whole thing and he doesn't want me there after all.

    I go back upstairs and I'm folding laundry. He asks why I haven't called mother in law. I told him because you told me again that you don't want me to go, so there is no reason to call her. I was supposed to call her and tell her that now he wanted me to go, but he changed his mind, so there is nothing new to tell her. Then he starts ranting about he doesn't want father in law or her to go now and I have to call and tell her that RIGHT NOW!! I said if he felt that way he could call her and tell her not to come. Otherwise, since I started folding laundry he was going to have to wait until I was ready to call her.

    Then he tells me that he really does want me to go, but I can only go if I apologize to him. Why do I need to apologize to him? Because I'm "a neglectful mother" who doesn't do exactly what he wants me to do exactly when he wants me to do it, and I intervene when he and easy child fight and any "normal" mother would just let them beat each other up and I have to learn to leave him alone when it comes to easy child. If I say I'm sorry he'll let me come to the assembly. I said I did nothing wrong and I had nothing to apologize for.

    He walked out the door this morning and the last thing he said was, "You had better no be anywhere near that school today." Like I would want to go now?

    He's been ramped up all week. He always gets this way right before Christmas. mother in law said to me later, "Now I see why you don't want to go out for dinner on Christmas Eve."
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    At least something good came out if it...
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so sorry. He really is insecure when it comes to easy child isn't he? He feels so inferior. At least that seems to be the overriding feeling I've gotten from this and some of your other posts. Not that he really is but he STRONGLY feels that. It sure would explain why he targets easy child so much. That, and I still don't think you have the right diagnosis.

    He sure has "rose-colored glasses". I forget, does he see a therapist? Have you tried recording some of these things? Video would be best. Then you could have the therapist view it with difficult child and they could actually work on things that NEED working.

    I know how it is when kids ramp up before holidays. I used to deal with it with the elementary kids when I worked at the school only to go home and deal with it with my own kids. I was sooooo glad when break finally got there ...... I was even happier when school resumed again. By then, I could only tolerated my kids in small doses. LOL
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Tedo, yes, he does see a therapist. I texted him last night and said, "So what does it mean when difficult child tell me that I should just let him beat the crap out of easy child and that I'm not a good mother because I don't allow that?" His response was the difficult child is trying to tell me something and that I need to do my best to keep him calm and try to get out of him why he feels that way, Much easier said than done.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if "easy child" is a stand-in for other people...
    My difficult child went through a period like that, and the problem was... teachers.
    He knew he couldn't take his anger out on them, so it came out as anger toward younger sibling.
    Took us a long time to get to the bottom of it, because even difficult child didn't know WHY he did it.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I don't know ICD. difficult child has always had a problem with easy child, even when they were young and easy child was a baby. difficult child thinks that easy child is loved more, repsected more, gets more attention, blah, blah, blah. There is huge sibling rivalry on difficult child's part and we (well, actually, I, because husband's head is always in the sand)have had to work very hard to get him to understand that he IS loved and respected just as much as easy child, but easy child does get treated differently because easy child doesn't have a meltdown every time life does not go his way.

    easy child, on the other hand, worships the ground that difficult child walks on.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yes, getting to the message under the message is so hard. I often tell people to listen to what Q is really saying, not his words. Often the message is at least on the surface a feeling message like, I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm worried, I'm angry etc. that alone (not that I can label it or he will just deny it and get more into that mode) at least helps me with my patience and my reaction.

    Sometimes after he has been in bed for a short time, he will be able to talk. he often initiates it. Then I start to get clues as to what is really going on in that head.

    I rarely find out in the heat of a moment. soooooo hard.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Sometimes I can figure it out and sometimes I can't. I managed to figure out what ws bothering him a few Sundays ago and it was great because he felt heard and loved, and we avoided a huge tantrum, which was fantastic because that was where he was headed.

    This? I'm still struggling to figure it out.
  9. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    Wow, reading this is exactly like what I'm living in my house. my daughter went insane tonight because she wanted to sleep at my mother in law's house and we said no, because we wanted to schedule it on a night when each child could go to one grandma's house. Well, that just wasn't good enough for my daughter and she's been going crazy for an hour blaming everything on my son (younger) and screaming how she hates him, all we care about is him, we don't know how she feels, poor son did NOTHING. I'm sick to my stomach, because she's on Risperdal and Concerta and this kind of behavior is still happening. At least it's much less than before, and at least things are going better at school, but this episode has thrown me back into a tailspin. :( I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. Know that you're not the only one.
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    My son does that, too. The morning that this happened he was saying that it was all easy child's fault. Actually, if he had not come into easy child's room when I was trying to get him up and started saying that easy child is "fat and lazy" I have a pretty good feeling that none of it would have happened.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just my take on this - for both of you (IT and Bunny)...
    If medications are making "some" difference but stuff like this is still happening, then maybe there is still more going on than what you know about. There may still be some missing dxes... and without them, you may not have any idea what is actually going on inside their heads. In particular, kids on the very high functioning end of the spectrum, or kids with MI, can be very hard to parent.