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Rudeness and cleaning
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752450" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Some young people have a hard time separating from their mothers. I was one. It sounds like your daughter has attachment issues that are holding her up. This is common and it is not an attachment disorder. Because growing up, for her, would necessitate separating psychologically from you. And she doesn't want to on some level.</p><p></p><p>She has to negate you, reject you, talk about you badly to others because she loves you too much. This makes her ambivalent about becoming self-sufficient. Hence the issues with cleaning, etc.</p><p></p><p>And she has to devalue you in order to make you smaller, because inside her you are too large a presence. In the sense that she can't manage her feelings for you, and at the same time feel big and grown up.</p><p></p><p>There is a way that she is making herself a dependent baby, in relation to you. So as to solve her problem, but this makes things worse. I recognize this. I have the same thing with my son.</p><p></p><p>I recognize that the dorm and living independently were too much for her. That happened to me too. I flunked out my first semester in college, because being away in a dorm was too much. I could not handle it emotionally.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering if you have thought of her living away from you in a supported situation, not in a college. Where she would be quasi independent but not alone. Where she would be supervised. I don't know what this setting would be. My girlfriend's daughter went to residential treatment for bulimia. (It was very scary because the daughter has type I diabetes.) This treatment center was a wonderful experience for her. She now has a masters of social work and is working in a clinic and engaged to be married.</p><p></p><p>There are similarities between the dynamic you're in with your daughter and my son and I. Who is perhaps 10 years older!!!</p><p></p><p>He acts like a baby. And the result is I treat him like one. He won't live as an adult away from me, and won't live as an adult near me, either. It's horrible.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I wanted to say in this post is to not despair. Your daughter does not love you less. She has not changed in her feelings about you and wanting to be close to you. It's just that her emotional circumstances and needs have changed...in that she's now an adult and needs somehow to become one emotionally. I believe your relationship can return to the closeness of the past. But first she needs to be able to grow up. Which means away. Separating psychologically. It is this task to which she is dedicating herself. Whether or not she recognizes it.</p><p></p><p>Your task is to be okay with her separating. Not reacting personally when she rejects you. (It's hard). Going about your life, independently. Letting her stew in her juices. Being supportive but separate.</p><p></p><p>There is an extensive literature on this, particularly in psychoanalysis. There may even be books. I will see if I can find anything. Psychological separation of daughters from mothers.</p><p></p><p>I think that she is too young for anybody to really make any kind of determination about diagnosis. Many of these issues she is dealing with may well recede once she works all of this through.</p><p></p><p>I think she would be served by as much independence as she could safely tolerate. I know how hard this is. Because she is having such a hard time functioning normally at all. But I believe she can.</p><p></p><p>This book looks good, but I haven't read it.</p><p><span style="font-size: 22px"><strong>My Mother, My Daughter, My Self Paperback – October 31, 2016 </strong></span></p><p>by <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Jane-G-Goldberg/e/B001HQ61OU/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1" target="_blank">Jane G. Goldberg</a> (Author)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752450, member: 18958"] Some young people have a hard time separating from their mothers. I was one. It sounds like your daughter has attachment issues that are holding her up. This is common and it is not an attachment disorder. Because growing up, for her, would necessitate separating psychologically from you. And she doesn't want to on some level. She has to negate you, reject you, talk about you badly to others because she loves you too much. This makes her ambivalent about becoming self-sufficient. Hence the issues with cleaning, etc. And she has to devalue you in order to make you smaller, because inside her you are too large a presence. In the sense that she can't manage her feelings for you, and at the same time feel big and grown up. There is a way that she is making herself a dependent baby, in relation to you. So as to solve her problem, but this makes things worse. I recognize this. I have the same thing with my son. I recognize that the dorm and living independently were too much for her. That happened to me too. I flunked out my first semester in college, because being away in a dorm was too much. I could not handle it emotionally. I am wondering if you have thought of her living away from you in a supported situation, not in a college. Where she would be quasi independent but not alone. Where she would be supervised. I don't know what this setting would be. My girlfriend's daughter went to residential treatment for bulimia. (It was very scary because the daughter has type I diabetes.) This treatment center was a wonderful experience for her. She now has a masters of social work and is working in a clinic and engaged to be married. There are similarities between the dynamic you're in with your daughter and my son and I. Who is perhaps 10 years older!!! He acts like a baby. And the result is I treat him like one. He won't live as an adult away from me, and won't live as an adult near me, either. It's horrible. I guess what I wanted to say in this post is to not despair. Your daughter does not love you less. She has not changed in her feelings about you and wanting to be close to you. It's just that her emotional circumstances and needs have changed...in that she's now an adult and needs somehow to become one emotionally. I believe your relationship can return to the closeness of the past. But first she needs to be able to grow up. Which means away. Separating psychologically. It is this task to which she is dedicating herself. Whether or not she recognizes it. Your task is to be okay with her separating. Not reacting personally when she rejects you. (It's hard). Going about your life, independently. Letting her stew in her juices. Being supportive but separate. There is an extensive literature on this, particularly in psychoanalysis. There may even be books. I will see if I can find anything. Psychological separation of daughters from mothers. I think that she is too young for anybody to really make any kind of determination about diagnosis. Many of these issues she is dealing with may well recede once she works all of this through. I think she would be served by as much independence as she could safely tolerate. I know how hard this is. Because she is having such a hard time functioning normally at all. But I believe she can. This book looks good, but I haven't read it. [SIZE=6][B]My Mother, My Daughter, My Self Paperback – October 31, 2016 [/B][/SIZE] by [URL='https://www.amazon.com/Jane-G-Goldberg/e/B001HQ61OU/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1']Jane G. Goldberg[/URL] (Author) [/QUOTE]
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