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<blockquote data-quote="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo" data-source="post: 451270" data-attributes="member: 12241"><p>Good morning Blondie,</p><p></p><p>just wanted to give you an e-hug [if you allow ;o)] of encouragement. I think you are doing great! You're not only reading up on stuff, you are stepping out of your comfort zone and hunting for more info. Leaving your comfort zone is a big step towards empowerment! Do remember to look into AlAnon - I think attending a meeting or three will considerably help you, and may do more for you than seeing a councelor.</p><p></p><p>For all it's worth - I do not necessarily think there are major "mental" issues here; I am not that up close familiar with what bipolar or aspbergers etc. looks like, so I usually stay away from threads like those. To me what you described are "young men troubles" and growing pains, finding his sexual identity, making poor choices [and messing up] in the meantime and having them come home to roost. If the basic underlying cause of all the confusion and pain in his life, is his perceived or real sexual orientation, this may all be very doable with help of loving and understanding [but firm!] family and friends, and a good councelor or two. </p><p></p><p>I would make it clear that his sexual identity has nothing to do with his life capability choices - he had a very promising future ahead, and now we're doing BK? Nooot! He was having flying lessons, and now we're walking? Nooot! I'd point out that he is still young, and in an experimenting stage - and if [that may well be a big if] - he should prefer men over women friends/partners in his life, that has nothing to do with his earning capability or the quality of life he is aiming for. There are loads of professional successful gay people out there, openly or secretly. Just because you are gay, does not mean you cannot do well in life, have a successful career and enjoy the better things in life. There is no reason to run the lowlife/high risk aspect of this. I think he is actually punishing himself right now with his choices, because he feels it is wrong to do. I'd also do a few more gentle safe sex talks, no matter what his age!</p><p></p><p>In the meantime - since he has money to blow and appearantly no other bills than car or cell phone - - - - - create some for him and his brother too. They are still living at home and you are floating or padding their life style choices by supporting them. "Well honey - you are all grown, and chose not to go to school, college, etc etc - then it is time for you to take responsibility to maintain some of your own upkeep." You want to minimize the "blow money" after bills are paid? You also said he is 3 months behind on his bills - time to catch up, don't cha think? And once he did - time to help support the household by paying rent. Anywhere from 1/4 - 1/3 of his earned take home pay seems fair to help maintain room and board. This will help him learn how to budget once he gets his own place [aka he'll never move out and will still be with you 5 or 10 years from now, LOL]. And it will also bring it home, that BK just simply ain't cutting it in the long run, unless you are on the management track [and even then it's lousy pay for long hours and loads of repsonsibility]. </p><p></p><p>If you feel uncomfortable collecting from your sons, set it aside and give it back to him, once he has his life back on track and goes back to school, or some time down the line when he could use a honest hand up [not enabling or bailing out due to poor choices, more along the line of padding a down payment for his first house or plane, LOL]. I think since both have increased the risk factor in their lives, the new rules + consequences should equally apply to both as well...</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Blondie, I think you are on the right track!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo, post: 451270, member: 12241"] Good morning Blondie, just wanted to give you an e-hug [if you allow ;o)] of encouragement. I think you are doing great! You're not only reading up on stuff, you are stepping out of your comfort zone and hunting for more info. Leaving your comfort zone is a big step towards empowerment! Do remember to look into AlAnon - I think attending a meeting or three will considerably help you, and may do more for you than seeing a councelor. For all it's worth - I do not necessarily think there are major "mental" issues here; I am not that up close familiar with what bipolar or aspbergers etc. looks like, so I usually stay away from threads like those. To me what you described are "young men troubles" and growing pains, finding his sexual identity, making poor choices [and messing up] in the meantime and having them come home to roost. If the basic underlying cause of all the confusion and pain in his life, is his perceived or real sexual orientation, this may all be very doable with help of loving and understanding [but firm!] family and friends, and a good councelor or two. I would make it clear that his sexual identity has nothing to do with his life capability choices - he had a very promising future ahead, and now we're doing BK? Nooot! He was having flying lessons, and now we're walking? Nooot! I'd point out that he is still young, and in an experimenting stage - and if [that may well be a big if] - he should prefer men over women friends/partners in his life, that has nothing to do with his earning capability or the quality of life he is aiming for. There are loads of professional successful gay people out there, openly or secretly. Just because you are gay, does not mean you cannot do well in life, have a successful career and enjoy the better things in life. There is no reason to run the lowlife/high risk aspect of this. I think he is actually punishing himself right now with his choices, because he feels it is wrong to do. I'd also do a few more gentle safe sex talks, no matter what his age! In the meantime - since he has money to blow and appearantly no other bills than car or cell phone - - - - - create some for him and his brother too. They are still living at home and you are floating or padding their life style choices by supporting them. "Well honey - you are all grown, and chose not to go to school, college, etc etc - then it is time for you to take responsibility to maintain some of your own upkeep." You want to minimize the "blow money" after bills are paid? You also said he is 3 months behind on his bills - time to catch up, don't cha think? And once he did - time to help support the household by paying rent. Anywhere from 1/4 - 1/3 of his earned take home pay seems fair to help maintain room and board. This will help him learn how to budget once he gets his own place [aka he'll never move out and will still be with you 5 or 10 years from now, LOL]. And it will also bring it home, that BK just simply ain't cutting it in the long run, unless you are on the management track [and even then it's lousy pay for long hours and loads of repsonsibility]. If you feel uncomfortable collecting from your sons, set it aside and give it back to him, once he has his life back on track and goes back to school, or some time down the line when he could use a honest hand up [not enabling or bailing out due to poor choices, more along the line of padding a down payment for his first house or plane, LOL]. I think since both have increased the risk factor in their lives, the new rules + consequences should equally apply to both as well... Hang in there Blondie, I think you are on the right track! [/QUOTE]
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