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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 451274" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Welcome to the board Blondie</p><p></p><p>The main issue lies with the fact that your son R is an adult, which leaves you little room in which to "help" him. As an addict he has to want that help, he has to be completely motivated to seek out and get that help and work the program. Even motivated it's a really hard thing to do. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad to see you're seeing a counselor. I also advise al-anon meetings. You can learn a wealth of information from them on addictive behaviors and such.</p><p></p><p>Parents of adult difficult children walk a fine line between detachment, letting the child learn by natural consequences for their decisions / behavior, and support to guide them into maturity, treatment, whatever it takes to make them a functioning adult. It's not easy, but we learn along the way. </p><p></p><p>The problem when dealing with addictive behavior, regardless of the cause, is that until they deal with enough natural consequences that make their lives of addiction so uncomfortable they've hit bottom, the addict will deny there is a problem and not seek help. Because as long as there are people in their lives enabling the behavior, whether purposefully or not, to them it is not a real problem. It just takes them even longer to hit that rock bottom point. </p><p></p><p>For a parent / family dealing with an addict.......it's really difficult. You see what the addiction is doing to the person you love and your first instinct is to reach out and "help". Problem is that often such help actually enables the behavior to continue. Yet no parent wants to see their child be homeless, hungry, locked up in jail ect. Sadly though, it's those types of natural consequences that tend to motivate addicts to seek treatment, and sometimes that isn't even enough. </p><p></p><p>At present, R does not see his alcohol abuse as a problem. For him it's not a problem. He's talked himself out of his dreams to convince himself it's not a problem......so quitting school is ok, he's now "searching" for what he wants to do. He has a place to live and food in his stomach and clothes to wear, access to transportation ect. Life is good. He's currently living like a teen with adult privileges. In his eyes he's got it made. </p><p></p><p>That you charge him rent ect is good. An adult child should at the very least pay rent. Living at home after age 18 is a privilege, not a right.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You're off to a good start. But if it were me I'd add if you go out and party while living in my home, find a new place to live. If you're not ready for that point yet, it's coming. Enough of the sons coming in stoned or drunk will get old fast. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if mental health issues are at the heart of the matter or not. Until the addiction is addressed and successfully treated docs worth a hoot won't touch him because addictive behavior mimics too many mental illnesses and they could be adding to the problem instead of helping it. And it is now common practice for addicts to seek mental health dxes to receive medication to get "drunk" or whatever on. My own bff did it. </p><p></p><p>Dealing with addiction is so hard. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. But I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 451274, member: 84"] Welcome to the board Blondie The main issue lies with the fact that your son R is an adult, which leaves you little room in which to "help" him. As an addict he has to want that help, he has to be completely motivated to seek out and get that help and work the program. Even motivated it's a really hard thing to do. I'm glad to see you're seeing a counselor. I also advise al-anon meetings. You can learn a wealth of information from them on addictive behaviors and such. Parents of adult difficult children walk a fine line between detachment, letting the child learn by natural consequences for their decisions / behavior, and support to guide them into maturity, treatment, whatever it takes to make them a functioning adult. It's not easy, but we learn along the way. The problem when dealing with addictive behavior, regardless of the cause, is that until they deal with enough natural consequences that make their lives of addiction so uncomfortable they've hit bottom, the addict will deny there is a problem and not seek help. Because as long as there are people in their lives enabling the behavior, whether purposefully or not, to them it is not a real problem. It just takes them even longer to hit that rock bottom point. For a parent / family dealing with an addict.......it's really difficult. You see what the addiction is doing to the person you love and your first instinct is to reach out and "help". Problem is that often such help actually enables the behavior to continue. Yet no parent wants to see their child be homeless, hungry, locked up in jail ect. Sadly though, it's those types of natural consequences that tend to motivate addicts to seek treatment, and sometimes that isn't even enough. At present, R does not see his alcohol abuse as a problem. For him it's not a problem. He's talked himself out of his dreams to convince himself it's not a problem......so quitting school is ok, he's now "searching" for what he wants to do. He has a place to live and food in his stomach and clothes to wear, access to transportation ect. Life is good. He's currently living like a teen with adult privileges. In his eyes he's got it made. That you charge him rent ect is good. An adult child should at the very least pay rent. Living at home after age 18 is a privilege, not a right. You're off to a good start. But if it were me I'd add if you go out and party while living in my home, find a new place to live. If you're not ready for that point yet, it's coming. Enough of the sons coming in stoned or drunk will get old fast. I don't know if mental health issues are at the heart of the matter or not. Until the addiction is addressed and successfully treated docs worth a hoot won't touch him because addictive behavior mimics too many mental illnesses and they could be adding to the problem instead of helping it. And it is now common practice for addicts to seek mental health dxes to receive medication to get "drunk" or whatever on. My own bff did it. Dealing with addiction is so hard. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. But I'm glad you found us. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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