Scared!

[Phoebe3141]

I have read threw so many posts & what a wonderful group this is. I am new & this is my first post. My son is 18 yrs old, just graduated HS. He is an only child. His drug use started at 14 yrs old when we were told he had ADHD & self medicating. Threw the years he has seen several psychiatrists & tried multiple drugs & counseling but nothing helped. He dropped out of HS but did get his GED. He had a job for his senior yr that he loved & a girlfriend of 2 yrs when he turned 18. He then bought his first car & fell into a group of boys who are very into the club scene & his drug of choice is pot & Molly. In the last 6 mths he has lost his girlfriend, has stolen from us several times, lost his job, been arrested as I had to call the police due to his raging. DA did not press charges & dropped case.But, my son will use anger to intimidate & manipulate me. My husband travels for work & is gone at least 50% of the time, leaving me alone with our son. I am disabled & suffer from 4 auto immune diseases that are very severe. I am in a wheel chair & am in pain & sick 24/7 which is so very hard to cope with. We finally threw guidance of a family counselor were able to see the drug abuse & found out he was selling pot. We told son to be homeless or go to Rehab. He said he could stop he didn't need rehab. He lasted 3 wks & stole our computer to go on a drug binge. When he returned he said he was ready to go to rehab that he realized he wasn't in control & couldn't stop on his own. He has been in rehab for 2 weeks & is done next week. Counselor called yesterday, said he has shared with her but told her she couldn't tell us, yet she told us that if he comes home next week both he & husband & I will be in danger. That he made a friend in rehab that went to a Sober Living home & he wants us to pay for him to go there. She said he is accepting he has a problem & dealing with guilt & shame over what he did while using. She said he was dealing with a "drug Cartel" more than pot & when he was gone before he came home agreeing to rehab he was shot at close range, but not hurt. She said he owed them money & stole to pay them back. She said if he goes to the Sober House for 6 mths he could then return & we would all be safe!?!?! I couldn't breathe! Then talk to Son when asked what he is keeping from us said that he sold harder drugs for this Cartel & none of us are in danger. He said he told them he couldn't do it anymore as he is going into the military!?! He said he didn't want her to tell us what he did while he was in this Cartel. He said he learned some things the first week, but nothing since & doesn't need to be there. He said he is afraid to come home because his drug friends & the Cartel will approach him & he wont have the strength to say no so he will start using & selling again. His solution, pay 6 mths sober living 4 hrs away from us & then he can return & they all will have forgotten about him. Called Rehab's in the city this sober living is & they said no way would they send an 18 yr old who has had 3 wks of rehab & saying he is going to use if he comes home to a sober house so far away. They said the reputation of that particular sober house is they just want the rent & don't follow threw on accountability. We told him yes but we had to talk to the sober house, now we are going to tell him no. Sure wont go over well! Now, I am scared to bring him home as I am afraid I am going to be in danger. We have no family to send him to. I am so scared & confused! 2 wks ago I was so hopeful, he admitted he had a problem & agreed to rehab. Now he is saying he doesn't have a problem on one hand & the other he will use if he comes back home. He has counselor believing we are all in danger if he comes home, he said no danger but he will use & sell again. Do I tell them to just release him at the Rehab which is 7 hrs away & let him be homeless there? Please, any advise would be so very appreciated!

 

[Nancy]

Phoebe I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry your post did not show up right away. All new members have their first posts held until a moderator approves them. We do this to try and make sure our site is safe from trolls and that all our privacy is respected.

I am so sorry that you are dealign with this and with your disability. I know when you are not feeling well that it is so hard to deal with any other chaos. I would do everythingin your power NOT to bring him home. Three weeks of reb hab is nothing. If they cannot keep him for financial reasons, ask them to find a suitable sober living arrangement. In our city we have many sober houses and most of them are free. The residents are required to get a job and cotnribute to the house living expenses and also continue on their sober program. I don't know how much of this drug cartel story is true, some may be boasting. But he is not in any shape to come home and things will go back to the way they were if he does. If the rehab cannot find him a suitable place to go call around to other rehabs and ask where they send their released clients to.

My daughter went to live in a sober house for 6 months after she came out of a sixty day rehab. That wasn't even enough. Sober houses are suppose to teach the addict how to live sober, it doesn't happen overnight. Your son hasnot even accepted that he is an addict. He is selling drugs and claims to be in danger from the dealers. You cannot let him back in your home.

 

[comatheart]

Welcome. I'm pretty new here and in no position to be giving advice. Still, I'm going to tell you I think your son should go to a sober living program somewhere far, far away. Directly from rehab and not come home. Ever. He needs to start a life somewhere new after getting his head clean and clear. This sounds harsh, but from all that I've read over these past 2-3 months this is one of the only ways your son has a chance at getting and STAYING clean. Not to mention safe from drug cartels! If my son were finished with school, he wouldn't be coming home either. Unfortunately, we are not in that position so we have to make alternative arrangements. (((HUGS))))

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome. I agree with Nancy. Three weeks of rehab is not even enough time for the drugs to clear from his system. He is nowhere near ready to live clean and sober.

My difficult child's first stay in rehab was a month and she came out and immediately starting drinking again (she told us this over a year later after a three month stay in a residential treatment center). We would not let her come back home so she found a so-called halfway house (through other substance abusers that she met in rehab) which turned out to be nothing but a flop house where she was introduced to heroin. We made a big mistake in letting her pick the sober house!

Is your son covered by insurance? If so, there are many reputable treatment centers that would keep him longer than three weeks. The minimum stay at the one we sent out daughter to was 3 months and then she went to a halfway house for six months after that.

I would tell your son that he cannot come home and that you will only help him if he is in rehab or a sober house of YOUR choosing. Then get on the phone and start talking to counselors and rehab centers to find out which sober houses they recommend. After you start hearing certain names over and over, you will know that those are the sober houses with good reputations.

You have to be strong and not let him back in your home. He may be lying about the drug cartel but he is also stealing from you and using anger to intimidate you. He does not deserve to live in your home.

Keep posting. You will find great support and advice from those of us that have lived the nightmare that you are going through. We understand.

~Kathy

 

[DDD]

You are not alone. Many of us have young adults with addictions who "have spun" the realities of their life in order to make it somewhat compatable with reality. My advice?? Don't let yourself be "too" eager to believe in your child's story as presented. Of course, there are different circumstances BUT I have "raised" eight children and I assure you that no mattter how wonderful and deeply lovable your child is...chances are your child is a liar and a manipulator now. It is so hard to accept that "your" loved child is not what you hoped and believe he/she would be. Many of us "get it" and understand your pain. Hugs DDD