Sorry for all the pain. I'd cut the ATM off. He has already gotten too much money from you. If he owes the IRS, he'll pay them back, like the rest of us.
I am not you and we are all different, but if it were me I'd call CPS on them if they left the kids with a stranger to make sure this "stranger" isn't falling asleep, high on drugs. Or maybe I'd just do a wellness check by the police.
Again, I've been at this a lot longer than you, however your difficult honey is getting up there in age and should have matured by now. Getting married just gives them the chldren they can't raise, it doesn't mature them. IIt's up to you, but if he can't pay for the car, I'd let it go or he'll think you're going to bail him out forever. And for that he isn't even nice to you.
You have two younger kids who are doing well. Why give money that could go to all of them just to difficult sweetie? Why do that to YOU?
I would stop being so good to him and be that good to YOU and those loved ones and friends who treat you with respect. He is, as so many of our lovable darlings are, a mooch. Whatever you give him will be spent as HE wants to spend it, then he'll come back with his hand out again. And I have a question. Does he ever call you just to say, "Hi, Mom, I want to make sure you're ok. YOu and Dad doing well? Can I help you out by mowing the lawn? I want you to know I love you."
Of course not.
Think with your mind and not your heart, and forget the once little baby who cooed and was so cute. Your son is a man. He is old enough to have served our country, finished college, been almost ten years into his job, have his own house and certainly to stand on his own two feet. He is faling at it. And it's his choice, not your fault. Like so many of our kids, he's not a nice person.
Detach, detach, detach...don't answer abusive texts, hang up if he is abusive over the phone, make him leave if he comes over in a rage...less is more with people like this. DO.NOT.ENGAGE. There is no point. Don't try to talk to him. He won't listen or care. He'll use anything you say, twist it, and throw it back at you and confuse/gaslight you. Best to use one word responses with them. Just minimize contact and cut off the ATM. You don't owe him any more money. If you feel he and daughter in law are neglecting grands, call CPS. They have to investigate if somebody calls and they don't give out the name of who called.
I know it is easier said than done, but, in the end, what you are already doing isn't working. May as well start taking care of YOU since you can't control him. Big hugs!!!!
