To MWM's observation, I would add that if your son had prepared himself as you and your husband made provision for him to do ~ an education, establishment of credit, a secure home base with both parents behind him ~ he would need nothing from you today.
It seems to D H and I that when the kids have not been able to make it with our assistance, then our job as parents has to be to step away. Let them flounder while you are still here to step in if something dire happens. But tax problems, a new car, entry level jobs and gambling debts, none of that is dire. Even homelessness is not dire. Not being able to recover from homelessness ~ that would be dire, maybe would be a time to step in.
Or to take the kids.
Whatever it takes, we have to get the kids to a place of independence. If that means they live lives lower down on the social scale than we were prepared to help them achieve, that is their lesson. They will never be able to pick up if we are always picking up for them.
We told our son some time back that there would be no money.
I am so proud of him for the way he picked up and got going. We have not given him a cent since that time and though he has had some tough times, he made it through on his own. Because he respects himself more now, he is no longer resentful or demanding with us.
What we said first was: No money.
There will be no more money.
You won't get a chance to explain about independence or detachment theory or anything else, because he will probably stop talking to you (ours did).
But our son is coming through it. Is claiming his manhood.
You will feel so wrong not to help. We did, too. We still do. But it is true what they say, that helping is not helping. Consequences will teach the kids how to choose who they will be. They need to do this, or they will not be able to steer their own courses in the world.
It isn't a good place for a parent to be. I am not proud of saying "no". I lose sleep over it...but I am doing it, and it is helping my son to stand up. We are staying out of our daughter's life, too. There are bitter accusations and demands. So far, we are handling it.
I am sorry this is happening to you, too.
Cedar
