school called

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, Apr 29, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so i posted about easy child and what happened yesterday her meltdown wanting to make changes etc. prom thoughts endless etc. her crying........

    today school calls the dean who isnt' totally in the loop with prinicpal and her guidance counselor and i. he says she's hardly been to school at all the past 2 weeks...... as he runs down each day with me.

    iwas a bit shocked. so she left here adn stopped attending school. he asks what's going on i tell him. he says to me you know it's illegal for this other mom to house her and her not attend school at her age? yup i know i explain therapists opinion on detatching etc.

    long story short after the speech she gave yesterday she didnt' go to school at all today she changed her profile picture on her fb to he nasty one with her chest hanging out.... i had emailed after she left with info she requested....

    she never emailed back dint' hear from her today.

    i know what your all going to say to me. yet each time i hear someone at school mention his mom whose allowing her to stay there and cut school each and everyday i struggle very badly. there's an internal brain war giong on inside of me.

    one side says that's enough bs now, get in the truck tonight when difficult child leaves and go get that kid, all her junk, and plant this mom for allowing this to occur. enough is enough. get her home, physically drive her to therapy, etc. (maybe this is what she's watiing for, for me to save her)

    the other side of my brain says ok it's illegal what shes' doing technically, being gone away from home yet with another mom whose allowing her to live there and not attend school. we all know morally wrong and ok not judging yet let's call it what it is ludicrous for this mom to allow this. yet you go there, be firm classy not throw a major fit or anything and tell this parent off nicely, than get the kid and her junk and bring her home. all the what if's come into play...... what is she gets home and runsa gain, what if she fights me hard and i have to call the cops, what if i get her here and she turns my house upside down again which she will.

    round and round i go. this just goes against the grain for me. if she were on the street somewhere or i didnt' know where she was that's one thing. Yet she is 20 blocks away from here. yet she's now failing h.s. and this mom's letting her stay there this way. i found out i can actually legally press charges.

    i'm dangerous tonight, difficult child is getting picked up by dad at 8:30 which means i'm free to do what i want, go get her etc.

    i sit quietly and try to place myself in this other mom's shoes and no matter how many diff versions i run i'd never ever allow a child of that age to live in my home not attend school return drunk etc.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The other Mom is not responsible for her behavior of the past year or years. It's easy to display anger at the other Mom but it is your daughter who has named the tune and is dancing the dance. Keep your focus, Jena. Bringing her home is not going to change her behavior patterns. You know that. DDD
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Isn't she going to be 18 in a few days? Or did I misunderstand?
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    there comes a time when i feel right is right and wrong is wrong. Would any of us house a 17 year old child and allow them to not attend school regardless what story we'd been given?? NO we wouldn't. she is enabling her to do what she's doing right now. it's that simple. i mean truly.....

    i would never ever allow that to occur in my home. i'd be on the phone if the kid was screaming abuse and call 911, or i'd be at the parents house if the kid was lying and saying i've been kicked out. either way i'd not allow it. i have the school looking at me like wow what are you doing allowing this mom to house her while she isnt' attending school, others are saying it and you knwo what their right to an extent. maybe she won't attend school here, maybe she'll be a total freak. yet if she wants to run away than live on a street, truly......

    step up and be a real runaway live on the street if you wanna be on your own. yet she isnt' on her own this mom is feeding her and letting her sleep there all day long thru each class. who does this??
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Jena - I hate to repeat what I have said at risk of alienating you - because I really like and care about you - but truth be told, you are the one who broke the law. You cannot kick a child out of the house, no matter what, before they are 18. I know she was horrible, and did awful things - but the choice should have been phosph or Residential Treatment Center (RTC), not the streets. She was/is your responsibility until she is 18. Before the age of 18, you cannot set limits like kicking a kid out of the home if they don't follow the rules, or you are the one responsible. Not the Mom who is enabling. You have only days before she is 18 so I guess it doesn't matter - but I am not sure how you can blame a deadbeat Mom, when you are the one who kicked her out in the first place. At this point rescuing her means nothing - the deal is done - don't do it. I am just not sure how you are going to explain this to the school, because she didn't run away, which is different - she broke rules and you said get out.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i get i sound like a nut right now yet i'm a bit po'd to say the least. here's the thing we all know while someone is being an enabler to someone else that "someone else" doesnt' hit rock bottom because their still sucking off someone else's stuff. so ms. thing would of already hit rock bottom if it weren't for this mom. she isnt' that strong my daughter. defiant yes, capable, gutsy and ambitious none of the above to make it out there on her own.

    so the way i see it, hey go there guess what your housing my daughter illegally get her **** out now or else i call the cops...... who do you think you are exactly to enable this child to skip out on life right now? let easy child get all her junk and be standing infront of this woman's house with nowhere to go or sleep....... than let's see what she does? why should she attend school when it's ok she isn't going, why should she attend therapy if no one's forcing her to..... see my point. dont' worry i'm not going to physically attack this mom i'm soo not violent yet the point is this mom doesn't belong in the picture.

    easy child tried this once before over a year ago with another friends mom. i was like a savage........i got on the phone and told this woman ok no problem you want her she has weekly therapy at x amt a week, she also has this that and the other,etc etc. you wanna take her now?? the woman apologized immediately for being involved, and told easy child sorry no way go home.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is NY different or cant kids drop out of school at 16 there? In NC and SC and even VA I assume unless it has changed, you can drop out at 16. If she can drop out, I dont see why the school would even care.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Jena - I think you are projecting your anger onto this woman. Your daughter sought refuge, and she was smart enough to find the right place. That is how it works. The 2 days Matt was on the streets he sought refuge in a crack house. I was not surprised, I did not really think he would actually become homeless.
    Our kids are smart enough to know how to survive - you cannot be mad at anyone for that. You broke the law by kicking her out - this mom is breaking the law by aiding and a bedding her. Who is to be blamed here? No one but your daughter.
    in my opinion I would have waited it out until she was 18 and then made this move - but regardless you made the decision and you have no one to be mad at other than your daughter. There will always be people who will come to her rescue 17 or not. She is the one that will have to develop the backbone - your job is now over.
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jena - what good would pressing charges do? I think you're blaming the wrong person here. The mom may be enabling, but easy child is making the choices. If you force the mom to kick easy child out, I guarantee you easy child will find someone else to take her in.

    Went thru this with- thank you. While TLP was calling me at midnight to tell me he was AWOL (got to be a nightly occurrence there towards the end of his stay at TLP) and filing missing person reports on him with- the police, he was spending days and nights on end at his girlfriend's house, not doing a darn thing, with the mom's blessing. The mom was a *complete* fruit loop. I mean, I felt the same way you do - what kind of a parent would allow a teen who is supposed to be in school (to say nothing of a teen who has been placed in a therapeutic group home, for heaven's sake) to hang out 24/7 with- their underage daughter???? And then I had the pleasure of talking with- the woman. And she lectured *me* about how awful we were for sending thank you to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she could never "abandon" her kid, education is so important, medication is bad, therapy is a crock, and on and on and on. Gag me. I avoided talking to her after that - you can't reason with- some people. She really was just completely out of her mind - logic and reason and right and wrong were complete strangers to her way of thinking. I will admit to feeling more than a smidge of satisfaction when she started calling to complain about how lazy thank you was, how he never did anything, how he wouldn't go see psychiatrist/get GED/whatever. I just kept reminding her that he was 18, an adult, and ... not my problem. What I really wanted to say was "guess you should've kicked his posterior out when I asked you to so he would have at least graduated." But realistically, he had decided not to graduate, and if it hadn't been this woman, it would've been someone else who enabled him. It was *his* choice, not her enabling, that turned him into a dropout with- zero skills.

    There is *always* going to be someone who will want to rescue easy child, or at least give her a piece of floor to sleep on and food to eat. And if that's how she chooses to live her life, you can't do anything about it. I understand that urge to rescue her, to get her back on track. I know that it's darn near impossible to resist the temptation to bring her back home and fix things. I still go thru periods of wanting to do that with- thank you, thinking somehow things will be different. But they won't.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The school may or may not be right about the mom breaking the law. You also must remember that just because something is written down as a law doesn't mean anyone is going to enforce it.

    This other mom may have NO CLUE that difficult child isn't going to school. If she is going out until this mom goes to work and then going back to the house or if she is going to another place instead of school, the mom might not know. How many times has a teen skipped school and the parents had absolutely no idea? I can remember when gfgbro was in high school. In one quarter - just nine weeks - he managed to get more than 50 absences/tardies to just ONE CLASS. It was right after lunch and came in late and left early to his first class after lunch. My mother was SOOOOOOO FURIOUS about it - at gfgbro, at the attendance officer and at the teacher. No one from school made even one call to my mom or sent a letter saying he was absent so much.

    I know it is easier to focus your anger and pain on this other mom who is letting difficult child do whatever she wants. That is NOT the real issue here. The real issue is your pain at having her walk away. I know you didn't throw her out - she refused to stay. I know that you are focusing on how this woman is breaking laws and hurting all of you, but you have to try to keep your eye on the big picture. I do NOT think easy child would have hit true bottom if this other mom had just stayed out of everything. easy child may have reached YOUR bottom, but she hasn't reached hers.

    You COULD go get a cop and go to the house difficult child is staying at. All the mom has to say is that she thought you were okay with it because you let her pack her things and leave. Chances are very high that the officer would NOT write up any real report and if you took it to court it would get continued until after easy child was 18 and then get tossed out.

    At age 17 there won't be many officers who would help you drag her back home.

    As for school, they likely do not know what they are talking about re: pressing charges, etc.... As easy child could legally drop out and you couldn't stop her, there is almost no chance that anyone would go after her for truancy - NOT this close to her birthday.

    I know this hurts horribly and that you are madder than you have been in a long time, but it is time to realize that you couldn't really stop easy child from leaving if you wanted to. At least this way you have some contact. I have no idea why the mom is letting her come home drunk other than to wonder how much the mom is really home. Chances are she works full time and feels she can trust her daughter - or has no idea what to do to supervise the girls when they are not in school and she is at work. Think back to your own high school days. How many times did your own mom not have a clue about what you were doing, if you were drinking or smoking or whatever?? how many things have you told your mom that shocked her - things that you did in high school? I know my parents did not have even a teeny inkling of what all I was doing. And I was not out doing anything really wrong - not even drinking or smoking cigarettes, much less anything else. Heck, my mom didn't even know that the prof from a college class I was taking had come into the store where I worked and flashed me. OR that I had grabbed my camera and taken a couple of pics, then written my name on a sheet of paper and told him that I now had an A in his class because if I didn't I would give the pics to the cops AND to my mother who was a professor on the same campus. My mom was totally STUNNED to learn this (my dad was more amused and proud of my quick thinking, though he would have destroyed the man's career and private life if he had known at the time, lol).

    I am NOT on this enabling mom's side. I just want you to see that the blame/fault for this may actually NOT be on the mom except for her not keeping track of these young women. Of course, how well did it work when you tried to motivate easy child and keep track of her comings and goings? easy child and this other girl may have totally bamboozled this other mom. Who knows what they have said about why Jen needs a place to sleep and be safe?

    Regardless of what the mom knows and/or does, YOU need to work through all of these things. I know it is really hard and that you are so angry that it feels like a monster is taking over. Find someone to talk to (therapist) and to help you figure this stuff out. As easy child is drinking and has used pot, I truly and honestly think that you NEED to go to alanon. NEED it, not would benefit from it. I know getting away from difficult child is hard. Maybe when husband has a day off you could take an hour to go to a meeting. Or when difficult child is at her dad's house you could go.

    Sending lots of hugs. I am sorry this hurts so much and has you in such turmoil.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    IL and OH kids can drop out at 16. Mine didn't, they wanted to live. lol But they could.

    Jena, question is, how long until she is 18? School can rant and rave all they want. If it's only a matter of days/or a couple wks? Cops nor cps are gonna touch it with a 10 ft pole. Heck most times if it is a matter of months they won't touch it.

    As far as what sort of woman would take in someone else's child......... Well, you don't know what difficult child is telling her, for one.........and there are plenty of adult difficult children out there. This woman wants to house your kid.......let her worry about prom ect ect. phht

    If one of mine had pulled such a stunt........well, let's just say it would only last until I found the child. But that is me, not you. So I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do anything.

    I can understand your anger as well as your frustration.

  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    steely it's opinions i'd never be alienated or not like you due to your opinions we all have them and your allowed yours. i did what i felt was best, she kept running away anyway not returning home etc... i didn't kick her out at all, she kicked herself out by chosing to not adhere to a few minor rules go to school, return home when your supposed to or call and go to therapy.

    slsh i'm sorry you went thru that, gut wrenching right?? i can't imagine being "lectured" by some other parent at all ever! sheesh your a better woman than I.

    I did it, i went there. i was boiling over something fierce. i think i needed to to realize i gotta stop. some ppl like me :( lol gotta go just a little bit further before we realize hey what in the world are you doing??????????

    i'm not sure at what point i found myself back in my truck laughing and shaking my head and saying oh sheesh someday this is goingto be really funny........ was it inbetween me knocking on the door and this crazy woman refusing to open it, and me being enraged (i didnt' act insane) or was it when the cops were supposedly on their way?? not sure.

    than the text came...... from my stepson who i absolutely adore. asking me how i was out of the blue he's 11 by the way. it hit me at that moment oh man she's gone just deal, stop stop stop you have other kids who do need you, YOU need you. so go home, give up. she doesnt' want to bea part of your life now, just to manipulate you........ she doesnt' want to fly straight this is HER life not mine now.

    i had a great weekend planned, first time alone in this house EVER. difficult child is at dad's she left tonight no easy child drama just me and the dogs, husband will be working... i was going to garden, plant flowers, get a haircut, watch a movie takea drive take care of me. i just got a little tiny bit derailed tonight LOL.

    you guys are the best, seriously i cannot imagine what id' do without being able to come here in moments of sheer hysteria..... and a little insanity :)

    thanks all of you by the way. i skipped thru a few because i was busy typing away as usual..... susie i know...... lisa that's exactly how i felt. but when your standing outside someone's home who is refusing to open a door to you and you can see your kids' face thru the upstairs window who was busy emailing me on my phone i'm blocking you leave me alone. theres this surreal sort of moment in it....... like hmmm what in the world am i doing right now? she'll be 18 in 7 days. 18, that's that. job done as far as right now goes.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yup Jena. 7 days. She's an adult now.

    School contacts you again, give them her address/phone number and tell them to leave you alone or you'll charge them with harassment. (bet they back off fast)

    Welcome to the adult world easy child/difficult child. Whew she's in for a rude awakening. The child will eventually wear out her welcome. That is when the real shock will hit. And that's when you just smile and nod and say yuppers, ain't it great to be a grown up at last?!

    Best move you can make? None. Don't take her calls. Don't take her texts. Don't recognize her on fb. Nothing.

    Give her plenty of time to MISS YOU. She made her bed, time for her to wallow in it a while.

    Doesn't have to be forever. Just long enough for her to do what you did tonight. You know: WTF am I doing??

    But if you don't give her the time? The drama will continue and it will feed off itself.

    Focus on you during this time. You need the break, you really do.

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wise words............. after tonight i'm give UNCLE UNCLE i'm conceeding defeat, or rather chosing sanity for me if it kills me!!! LOL. i joke about everything yet it's the truth.

    therapy therapy therapy here i come............. :) i wait for the time in my life therapy isn't needed. our board in kitchen has difficult child's therapy appts, husband's therapy, mine, used to have easy child's....... oh sheesh.........

    why is it the life we invisioned when making those beautiful babies isnt' what we got?? or even close to it?? yup decisions...... yet there are kids whose parents are married never divorced ideal lives whatever that means that are still pulling this....... who knows a true **** shoot if ya ask me
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you can't get to therapy, in the meantime, read some of those books Janet suggested in your other thread, especially the Alison Bottke one. It's less than $10 on Amazon if you can't find it at the library. You've got to find a way to disengage from easy child. Sometimes, I just repeat a mantra to myself: "this is not my problem, this is not my problem." Because truly, it isn't. It's squarely in easy child's lap. Disengage and keep it there, and don't take it back.
  16. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Jena, I know how painful it is to watch your child go off the deep end. Trust me. But I agree with Susie, you don't know exactly what's going on with this other mom. Yes, she should have called you to find out what's going on, and she didn't. However, remember that you weren't "allowing" easy child to skip school, drink, etc., and she did it anyway. I'm not trying to defend the mom; I've had to make some difficult phone calls to parents when difficult child spent the night at their house without my permission, and he was younger than your easy child. Some parents were just clueless; not one of them had gotten the true picture from difficult child.

    Unfortunately easy child has made choices that are getting her in a mess, and it will be her choices that get her out of that mess, or not. Just because we teach our kids right from wrong doesn't mean that they will learn -- at least not without a lot of trouble and pain along the way. So sorry you're going through this and dealing with difficult child's difficulties too. Hugs & prayers.
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am sorry you are going through all this. To be honest I could see some situations where I might take in a 17 year old kid.... especially if I cared about them and though they had a horrible home life. When I was that age I had a male friend who did come from a bad situation and he practically lived at our house... not comletely but almost. If you haven't talked to this other mom then she does not know your side of the story, she only knows what she is being told.

    When we kicked my son out of the house he went to live with a friend... whose family did not have a great reputation (they were the local flophouse). However one day we took something over to our son and we medication the dad... and started talking. He realized the story he was hearing wasn't entirely the true one. So we kept in touch and it was a comfort to me because at least I knew my son was safe. Having a good relationship with those parents, even though our values and life styles were very very very different was a good thing. My son is back staying at their house now and I have resisted calling the dad because my son is older (19) and it really is time for him to make it on his own and figure things out. But if I got really scared or worried I would callt he dad in a heartbeat.

    So my suggestion is to get to a calm place and then call the other mom and just ask if you can meet for coffee and talk. Don't confront her, or get mad, but just check in about your daughter and how she is doing. Share with her that you are getting calls from the school that she is not intending. It is a way to share information.

    I also disagree with not responding to texts ro calls from your daughter. I think it is good to keep the door open. That doesn't mean you have to take abuse or give in to demands... those things happen then hang up.

    Think about what your goals are in regards to your daughter. I am keeping in mind my two goals regarding my son.
    !. Don't enable his drug use. 2. Continue to let him know I love him and want to give him emotional support as he figures his life out. Now that I have figured out those are my goals I can look at any decision i make regarding him with those in mind.

    This is so very hard.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I don't know call me rigid, old school yet to me we should not have to deal with this type of stuff, yet it's life...... kids should live in their homes, period that is if they have a home...... this b.s. of ppl taking ppl's kids in etc.

    i'm glad to hear that you have that type of relationship with this family where he is staying....... that still must be difficult for you. i had my little pyscho show last night..... and she would'nt open the door.

    i'm not sure how i'll proceed to be honest. some say call, some say detatch it's all over the place. i think in my heart i should detatch me talking to the mom wont' do anything except keep my reputation all pink and blue yet i dont' care about that.

    i may write a letter drop if off, this way she knows what the real deal is. i'm just trying to forget about her to be honest, that's what she wants me to do.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I feel for you I really do..I know your pain all too well and your anger. You are right none of us should have to deal with the stuff our difficult children do. The thing is she is 17 and 17 year olds do not know what they want, they change a lot, and they are in the process of trying to separate from their parents and so sometimes act horribly to us. So try not to take it personally which I know is completely impossible to do....but I think that is really what detachment is about. It is not about cutting off all ties, but detaching from ther emotional garbage and continuing to enjoy your life no matter how awful they act. Think long and hard about any letter you give to her....because she may take it very literally and do you want to close the door to your relationshpi with her?
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    love the avatar by the way.......

    I don't know for today and tmrw i'm just doing for me, working on house, the yard. ill have to pick up thinking about it again come monday. next week on mothers day is her 18th birthday. husband is like we aren't getting her anything??