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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Dec 22, 2017.

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  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    well I did say I would pull sons bail if he did not complete his rehab intake while we were away. He did complete the intake and it will be a matter of weeks now before a bed is available.

    Why is it he can’t seem to do anything but just scrape by? Still smokes weed not around us or near our home. Oh you know because it’s not a problem right? Sure.

    I got his school update today. Attendance is still poor and his grades have slipped from 49% to 37%.

    He has not come home yet from Cop mom and girlfriend house. I don’t really care. My home is peaceful. Why would he want to come home when he can do anything he likes and loaf about at GFs house.

    I did send him a text explains that all the activities and reports from rehab and school go to the courts. This will be reviewed at his court dates that occur while he is in rehab and after. Maybe he liked jail and wants to step up to prison. Why bother working hard at your chance to improve and have your charges dismissed.

    Not my life not my worry.

    It’s eating at me though. Well I am only human. Welcome home. Uff!
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Deep breath and exhale. He knows the consequences even if he does not believe that it will actually happen. Who knows what cop mom has been telling him.
    When the feelings start to swallow you whole, take out the pictures from your vacay. Start planning the next one.
     
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  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    welcome home lbl. i missed you.

    look. in son's mind nothing has happened. the threat of prison is not real to him. he thinks he successfully manipulated the situation and this is a win. for him.

    nothing has happened to change him yet. this will soon change when he enters the program. think about rn's son.

    soon, he will be looking at either a rock or a hard place.

    but he is not thinking about that. the cop's love nest is neither here nor there.i would try to not think about her. hard i know. i would be the same.
     
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    What’s really burning in my brain is 37% !!!! Second kick at the can. I am beginning to think Husband is right. The boy is just inherently lazy. Ugh!
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Drugs do that to you. The fear of prison is OOOOOOOOVER. That only lasted for a little while. He may even need another stay in jail before you get him to rehab, I am sad to say. You may have to revoke his bail to keep him motivated. Or the court may see his attendance and the other things that are reported to them and may pull their offer. Sadly, they may not.

    Pick the next important step that he NEEDS to do. Then enjoy your peaceful house and let Cop Mom deal with him. You know sooner or later he will steal from her and she will figure it out and have a hissy fit. Or her daughter will steal from her and your son will get the blame. Either way, enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. Yes, I know you will worry. You are the mom, it is your job. Just make sure you limit the time you spend on worrying!
     
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  6. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    It helps me to remember that the consequence of bad grades, is bad grades. He will feel it when it’s real for him — which unfortunately is likely to be long after you tried to protect him from that outcome.

    We can’t hasten diddly. It’s sad.
     
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Sam, Suzy, Passa and Copa;

    Thanks for your wise words. I eventually got some decent sleep last night. Although son is still not home.
    What kind of mother allows this loafing about under her roof?? Of course who knows what lies he tells them, still if it were me I would be a bit more diligent. Oh waitI wouldn’t dare let them sleep together, drug or do half the crap she lets them do.

    Son sent a text last night saying he misses us. Big deal. If you so why don’t you come home. Today I am getting ready for a lovely Christmas!!
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Good for you. He will more than likely surface on Christmas to collect gifts. I'm not as kind hearted as I used to be. I went to goodwill and bought some used warm clothing ( surprising what you can buy for 25 dollars). If mine shows up, he can shower, eat, wash what he has, take the clothes and leave. If he chooses not to show, that's fine. I will donate the clothes to the shelter.

    There was a time I would have done a lot more for him. Then get upset when he would ruin, give away, or sell everything I would give him
     
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Welcome home LBL. Glad you had a great time. Deep breath. You will get through this. For now, enjoy the peace and quiet.

    My son once lived in a tent in his girlfriend's backyard for 3 months, because we wouldn't allow him to get high all night and sleep all day. It would have been nice if girlfriend's mom had backed us up, but what can you do?

    Cop mom probably isn't going to win any parent of the year awards, but maybe there are worse alternatives than laying low and smoking weed until his bed opens at rehab?

    Maybe I am the odd one out, but I have to honestly say I was worried that your son might go completely off the rails while you were out of town, that you might be facing much worse when you got back.

    I'm not trying to set the bar low, but your son needs rehab because he has a drug problem. Until he gets treatment I don't see him caring much at all about grades or attendance or much of anything else, other than getting high. Maybe scraping by and staying under the radar for a few more weeks is the most bearable option for all of you?
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more with Albie. Drug addicts do not do school well or good grades. Until he is clean, I would not expect this to be a priority with him. My daughter used to walk in the door at school when I dropped her off and walk out the back. She graduated with maybe a "C" average...she was capable of much more. She did go to Cosmetology school. Very high functioning addict. Always. But no real concern about her future and plenty of sex. Sex and drugs go together like peanut butter and jelly. Partying mattered, not school.

    She took out a loan and went back to college AFTER she quit as suddenly progress mattered. Hmmm...

    Give him time in rehab. See where he goes in rehab. See if he can do it the first time. Don't overstate rehab either, but there is hope and rehab is good.

    I am also one who doesn't think good grades and college mean that much regarding success. In some circles it is a big status symbol, but not a guarantee of success. All my kids have good work ethics, good jobs and no four year college degrees. Your son has time, even to do high school.

    Being sober and, most of all, content, happy and comfortable in their skins means more to me than a PhD. Or a teaching degree where your child may have a huge loan debt and poor job prospects.

    Relax and have a great holiday :) see what path your son takes. Sobriety will come before life motivation.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am feeling a lot better today than I was yesterday. Missed the Swirley by ....that much. (Think Get Smart).

    Ya funny how that happens isn’t it. Pasa I think it is kind that you would even consider opening your door to your son. Super smart on the thrift store idea. I got son a few bits and pieces nothing spectacular. Razors, a grooming kit, body wash and underwear. One large gift a track suit. That’s more than he deserves.

    Albie I almost spit my Cosmo out hahahaha you just made me feel sooo normal. Who the HE@& would let their kids boyfriend sleep in a tent in their yard. Takes all kinds and our sons and I am sure many others can sniff them out.

    . That is indeed true and if he wants to hang there until rehab so be it.
     
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh SWOT his head is so far up his A&@ right now I don’t even hold much hope that he is going to do well in Rehab. It is what it is.

    I would hope he would at least graduate from high school. But it is his to do.

    I feel a whole lot better today. Back on track. I just loath being staged down the swirley whirley. It is being here that brings me back out.

    Have a fabulous vacation SWOT Merry Christmas!!
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You too, hon! We can't let our kids ruin our Christmas! We who are married are lucky. Although my two in Wisconsin are not difficult, I am not happy at the way our Christmas plans worked out this year. Seems like we are getting less time as opposed to Jumper' s fiance' s larger and probably more fun family.

    Even with my three good kids, there are times I ask myself why I had kids at all. They can hurt us without even knowing it and I hope it goes well and I can handle my simmering resentment. Oh, outwardly I will be all smiles. Inwardly, who knows? I am thinking that even I, with three nice adult kids, have to diminish their importance in my life and move on. I think we always love our kids more than they love us. And it will be the same with their kids and them. So one day they will get it. And down through the generations it will go.

    We have to even plan our holidays to make us happy, not them. We need to be mature adults who do not lean too much on our even nice adult kids and grandkids. We share them...with their in-laws and friends. It is not just us, although they love us. They don't want to amuse us. They need to spread themselves amongst many people. And in Ju.per's case, fiance' s family has lots of You g people so it is probably more fun at their celebrations than our small family. It sucks. It hurts. I have tears in my eyes now. I can't make our small family as fun as their family.

    WE need to amuse us. Like your trip to Mexico. Percect! Our kids are ours until eighteen, then the amount of time they give us is up to them and dependent upon their schuedules, how many people are in their lives, how much time their jobs take up, where we live in proportion to them and a host of other issues, mostly on their part. The house we helped the kids buy is right near the in-laws. We can move there too ..but we don't really want to live in that town. A close one, yes, but not a mile away...I feel cheated, like a silly child. But Jumper will never know. I owe her my maturity and she would be upset to know she upset me. But I don't want to force her extra attention. We do see her almost every week.

    But she lives with them, or did before buying their house, when she and fiance were in town. I sometimes wonder if his mother is an equal mother to her in her eyes, but I will never bring up all my insecurities. I can live without asking.

    I need to remember that only I can fulfill me with some help from my spouse! My kids think what they think. I can do this! No, this is one thing my husband doesn't get, thinks is silly.

    Sometimes I just have to trust Source (God), my angels, my Spirit Guides and the Universe. I totally believe that every single thing that happens is to teach us us and elevate our eternal soul's vibration. Tonight...I will do a beautiful meditation.

    Stay strong. Every mother must. All of us have insecurities, even those of us with right way kids who have good hearts. It is not just those with difficult kids!
     
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    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
  14. Toomanytears

    Toomanytears New Member

    SWOT..
    Omg... I couldn’t have said it better! I will be snapshotting certain parts of this for my phone notes so I can refer to it ..not just for Christmas but for always..
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am glad it helped. I really want everyone to remember that nothing is ever Hallmark.

    Love and hugs to all and let's try to put everything into perspective and focus on ourselves. The holidays are a pain in the neck to everyone and perfect for very few . Heck, family expectations are rarely The Brady Bunch. If they had been real, one of those little darlings probably would have taken drugs and Dad would have heard from Jan, "You're not my real father and furthermore these whiny boys aren't my real brothers!"

    Alice would have thought, in quiet moments, "I can't quit because the salary is too good, but Cindy and Peter are brats."
    Mr. Brady would have lost his temper at times and who knows? Mrs. Brady might have asked herself,"Why did I agree to this? I have no life now. It's kids, kids, kids! I want to have time for myself!"

    Tv is the great pretender. As is Facebook. You think Mom is going to post."Johnny is a doctor now and we are so proud, but....i never see him anymore and his wife is a biotch who rarely brings Little Johnny to see us, but HER parents are with him all the time!" FB is a plAce to show off, but we don't hear the backstory. Heck, Dr. Johnny can take drugs. Ma y doctors have addiction problems. Think that will be on FB?

    Let's try to stay in reality. Easy kids can hurt us too and mostly they dont even know it. No family is perfect

    In our case, hubby finally grew a pair, called Jumper, and told her Monday is better since Sonic has to work today, and she is coming Monday after she and fiance are done doing Christmas with fiance s grandparents. Why grandparents did not go to the big family get together yesterday, I don't know. They probably did but wanted a more private time on Monday morning too.
    Well, that's nice, but we want to see our kids on a day when Sonic doesn't work. So Jumper and Fiance are coming today (and b i l and s i l) and tomorrow they are coming back and Sonic will be there too.

    Honestly, maybe nexy year we can do an early bird Christmas and take off in our RV. I would like to see Bart and grandson for Christmas too for once. And it's minus zero something today. I would rather be South.

    Bah humbug! ;)
     
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    Last edited: Dec 24, 2017
  16. Toomanytears

    Toomanytears New Member

    Swot...
    After reading your Brady Hallmark Christmas I had to smile
    For years we received a yearly newsletter from an old family friend that I hadn’t seen since my childhood. Billy was a champion hockey player, Olympic bound. Sally was a gold medalist in gymnastics, music and both children were gifted Honors students.. you get the gist.
    My husband and I decided to pen a rough draft of our “ Christmas Newsletter” just for our eyes only, a few years back.
    It started off with “This year we are happy to say we are all alive. That is truly a miracle In Itself. Johnny our smart, witty and handsome son was sentenced to 2-4 years for drug paraphernalia and fleeing and eluding. Oh, and a “little robbery” for 30.00 to fuel his drug addiction. After stealing my car Without a license and making a run for it, we feel blessed because it could have been a much longer sentence. Thank God he was sentenced to a State Penn because we will be able to visit in person and have physical contact (like hugs!)
    Mary, our beautiful and kind Mary, she and her boyfriend became crack addicts. She said it felt really good doing it but cost a lot of money ( she spent her entire savings and checking accts ) and the extra bonus.. she did succeed at getting below 95 lbs so she surpassed her goal! Plus, she now has a lot of costly dental work to the teeth that she neglected from the crack use. Hopefully, she will regain her $8,000.00 smile she had at 15 after 7 years of orthodontia! On an optimistic side, we loaded boyfriend’s sh*t up in the truck and dropped him off at his sister’s house at our daughters request. Another miracle!!
    And lastly, hubby and I were both hospitalized, he had a heart attack on the table as soon as I got him in to the ER. God watched over him and he had a stent placed. I was in ICU for 3 days - heart attack- not sure. No blockages during catheterization. Stress??
    Why of course - easily controlled! Not.

    As you can see, I’m making light of the most horrible journey a parent can have. I've cried so many tears, prayed so many prayers. Honestly, the holidays exacerbate it all. We will all be together, everyone healthier for today which truly is a blessing!! Most likely prison time will be served in the New Year, rehabs will be part of our life, court hearings will become normal. But for today, we are just trying to enjoy today. The New Year promises us our “new normal”.. plenty of time to worry then.
    Blessings to you all for a “Silent Night”...
     
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  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have tbought of writing a horrific family update as a joke in a Christmas card. All my family and close buddies know how I loathe brag letters, in Christmas cards and FB. Although some deny it, the purpose of them are to say "Haha. Look at what we accomplished that you didn't. Aren't we great?"

    Do they think we care? Maybe some people do think,"wish it were me. Wow, Susie is a swell Mom or her son wouldn't be an astronaut."

    But I am a cynic. That astronaut may rarely visit Mom and may be rude to his parents. I am one who sees a perfect looking family and wonders if the parents are alcoholics.

    The thing is, we don't know and those things never make it to FB.

    Nothing is perfect. Little is as good as we think. It is best to focus on us and be as good to us as we can.

    Love and hugs.
     
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  18. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m with you all in spirit this Christmas Eve. Wrapping presents. Feeling like a chump.

    Too Many —

    “Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.” — Says a mug my daughter got me last Christmas.

    May 2018 be filled with humor and other self made joys, at the very minimum.
     
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  19. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Merry Christmas to all :)

    I haven’t slept much and we are supposed to be up early to get to my cousins home for a 7am breakfast.... oldest son hasn’t slept at all. I can hear him now in shower.

    Christmas is hard when you have an addict for a child. Typical warm memories aren’t always the norm. I know for me it was Christmas time a few years ago I found this site. Desperation and extreme sadness where overwhealming me and a google search brought me here.

    Things have improved greatly (for now) I am not naive enough to think this is the end of the addiction roller coaster but I am trying to just be in the moment and enjoy the time we have right now with a son who has been sober now a few months.

    I am glad you all are here. It’s hard feeling like everyone’s kids are doing great and you are the only one with a difficult child. This I know both from my work as a school counsellor and my network of other mom friends is not true. So many families have struggles despite our fake Facebook fronts. I am not someone who posts anything negative on social media, and others looking in may think I have it all. If you read between the lines, it wouldn’t be difficult to see I have little to no pictures of my son. The status updates are usually just fun antecdotes of my school adventures or other fun things to share, like trips or decorating for the holidays.

    I do think there are some families who are relatively drama free and whose kids are doing well. I don’t wish them my heartache... why would I? I am slowly coming out of my own fog, and someday would love my family to have this time in our lives be a distant memory. Even with all the struggles, we are loving, and son has been so different this time. I do have hope.

    For those still caught in the grip of addiction, my heart is hurting for you. I remember laying on my couch in he fetal position and feeling like my heart was physically breaking g it hurts so much. It is a physical pain as well as an emotional one.

    I hope someday I can help families who are going through this. I pray my journey will have purpose just as my sons will too. Maybe we can both help others with our experiences and give back some of the grace that was given me in my time of need.

    I don’t think my tears are done, with parenting I don’t think that is ever possible but I do hope I can stay strong and find joy in my life.

    Hugs and may you all find some peace this holiday season.
     
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel