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Seeking advice on eviction or rental
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 410242" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am confused. before i can offer advice, I need to ask some things. </p><p> </p><p>First off, is it your husband who is telling your daughter and this other child that you are a bad mom and responsible for all the problems? Or is it your ex or husband's ex or one of your ex's new partners or another child?</p><p> </p><p>While retaliation is always going to be a possiblity, exactly how violent/unsafe do things get when your daughter is not in rational mode? Has she hurt you? Damaged property? Hurt/abused animals? If she cannot live by the rules in your home, she needs to not live in your home.</p><p> </p><p>Have you looked into what eviction entails? You may consider getting a restraining order if she is likely to retaliate against you. Retaliation usually takes the line of threats/assault/destruction of property.</p><p> </p><p>As parents you have likely done all you can to keep her from getting involved with the police - this is usually one of our jobs as parents. Sadly, the warrior parents of difficult children often have to realize and accept that what our difficult children do to us when they are upset, angry or just in the mood to hurt someone/something often entails actions that NO ONE else is going to tolerate. To help your child learn to live in the world successfully, it may be necessary to let her deal with the legal ramifications of her retaliation, taking others' things, hurting people, etc....</p><p> </p><p>It is a tough choice, but if your daughter is living at home with all the benefits of a nice, comfortable lifestyle and is just working a part time minimum wage job and not going to school, then she needs to be out of your home and on her own. If you rent a place for her then YOU are responsible for paying the bills. ALL of them. She is going to want and likely demand all the comforts of YOUR home. She has to learn that if she wants them then she has to earn them and pay for them. It is a <em>hard</em> concept for many difficult children to learn. </p><p> </p><p>If she wants to work for minimum wage only part of the time, and play the rest of the time, then she really needs to go out into the world and live on the money she makes. It is the only way that she has a chance to learn that if she wants more she needs to work more.</p><p> </p><p>This is HARD. You may not even know where she is some of the time. Letting her live at home and play with no real world responsibilities is not helping her. No way will it be easy for you and your husband. If these other people are so sure you did so many things wrong, maybe they should have her live with them. </p><p> </p><p>SHE needs to handle her lease. You can give advice if asked for and you think it is appropriate, but do not sign anything for any financial agreement.</p><p> </p><p>If she has problems and does not want your help when given on YOUR terms, then it is time for her to go to all of those people who know how you should have done things as her parent. let THEM cosign, pay for stuff, etc...</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. If what I suggest is too harsh, or expects her to handle things she is not capable of due to some disability, then adjustments should be made. </p><p> </p><p>Many of us here use techniques from a book called "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299079510&sr=1-1" target="_blank">the explosive child</a>" by Ross Greene. It is written for parents of younger people, but the techniques work on people of all ages. It may be helpful to you.</p><p> </p><p>We also often use a philosophy called "Do to Get". It is simple (not from a book - another mom came up with the phrase). It means if the difficult child wants something then they have to work to get it. We don't give them things - they earn them. It isn't just a financial thing - not just work a job to earn the money to get whatever.</p><p> </p><p>If the child wants to have friends over for a cookout, the child needs to work around the house so that it is clean and to help pay for the cost of the cookout. The work can be whatever the parent wants.</p><p> </p><p>I hope that you are able to protect yourself and help your daughter learn and grow and take care of herself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 410242, member: 1233"] I am confused. before i can offer advice, I need to ask some things. First off, is it your husband who is telling your daughter and this other child that you are a bad mom and responsible for all the problems? Or is it your ex or husband's ex or one of your ex's new partners or another child? While retaliation is always going to be a possiblity, exactly how violent/unsafe do things get when your daughter is not in rational mode? Has she hurt you? Damaged property? Hurt/abused animals? If she cannot live by the rules in your home, she needs to not live in your home. Have you looked into what eviction entails? You may consider getting a restraining order if she is likely to retaliate against you. Retaliation usually takes the line of threats/assault/destruction of property. As parents you have likely done all you can to keep her from getting involved with the police - this is usually one of our jobs as parents. Sadly, the warrior parents of difficult children often have to realize and accept that what our difficult children do to us when they are upset, angry or just in the mood to hurt someone/something often entails actions that NO ONE else is going to tolerate. To help your child learn to live in the world successfully, it may be necessary to let her deal with the legal ramifications of her retaliation, taking others' things, hurting people, etc.... It is a tough choice, but if your daughter is living at home with all the benefits of a nice, comfortable lifestyle and is just working a part time minimum wage job and not going to school, then she needs to be out of your home and on her own. If you rent a place for her then YOU are responsible for paying the bills. ALL of them. She is going to want and likely demand all the comforts of YOUR home. She has to learn that if she wants them then she has to earn them and pay for them. It is a [I]hard[/I] concept for many difficult children to learn. If she wants to work for minimum wage only part of the time, and play the rest of the time, then she really needs to go out into the world and live on the money she makes. It is the only way that she has a chance to learn that if she wants more she needs to work more. This is HARD. You may not even know where she is some of the time. Letting her live at home and play with no real world responsibilities is not helping her. No way will it be easy for you and your husband. If these other people are so sure you did so many things wrong, maybe they should have her live with them. SHE needs to handle her lease. You can give advice if asked for and you think it is appropriate, but do not sign anything for any financial agreement. If she has problems and does not want your help when given on YOUR terms, then it is time for her to go to all of those people who know how you should have done things as her parent. let THEM cosign, pay for stuff, etc... I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. If what I suggest is too harsh, or expects her to handle things she is not capable of due to some disability, then adjustments should be made. Many of us here use techniques from a book called "[URL="http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299079510&sr=1-1"]the explosive child[/URL]" by Ross Greene. It is written for parents of younger people, but the techniques work on people of all ages. It may be helpful to you. We also often use a philosophy called "Do to Get". It is simple (not from a book - another mom came up with the phrase). It means if the difficult child wants something then they have to work to get it. We don't give them things - they earn them. It isn't just a financial thing - not just work a job to earn the money to get whatever. If the child wants to have friends over for a cookout, the child needs to work around the house so that it is clean and to help pay for the cost of the cookout. The work can be whatever the parent wants. I hope that you are able to protect yourself and help your daughter learn and grow and take care of herself. [/QUOTE]
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