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serious problem with 19 y/o difficult child what to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 573885" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>This is something that helped me. One of the moms on the site posted about how her realization that many 19 year olds are in the armed services changed her understanding of what her own 19 year old son was capable of. At that time, my son was much older than 19 ~ but I too saw my son differently, when I thought of what so many 19 year olds were doing, and risking, and creating.</p><p></p><p>What I did was cut a picture of a group of young soldiers from the newspaper. I posted it next to the phone. Other moms on this site helped me decide how to respond to the accusations I knew my son would level at me once I began standing up for myself. For all I know, those conversations may still be in the archives somewhere. What they would show, if you could see them, is a frightened, guilt-ridden mother taking the blame and apologizing for the choices her grown son refused to stop making.</p><p></p><p>I actually wrote their suggestions down and kept those by the phone, too.</p><p></p><p>And it worked. Over time, it worked. I was able to change. Cruel as it sounds, the difference between me and the mom whose son opted to join the service or take school seriously is that I took on the guilt my son should have experienced for the choices he'd made. </p><p></p><p>What I needed to learn was that I was creating my own monster. I am the one who needed to change. My son had no choice but to create his own life once I no longer felt guilty because he hadn't. It is a strange and hurtful path we need to walk when our children refuse to go in the way we have taught them. Until we can clearly see the rightness of our actions and demands where our grown children are concerned, we cannot change anything for them. </p><p></p><p>But unless we do, we are enabling them to continue doing things that are harmful to them.</p><p></p><p>And that is the key.</p><p></p><p>You are the one who needs to be strong enough to push him out, or he will grow into a self-indulgent, dependent, possibly drug-addicted, man.</p><p></p><p>The time will come when you will decide to take your life back. Let it be now, when your son still has time to come back from his bad choices. I would not turn him in for the jewelry. Let him start with a clean slate. But thirty days from now, he needs to be gone from your house. Not for you, but for him. An option for treatment for his drug use should be offered. If he refuses, then you have done all you can.</p><p></p><p>Here is what we did, time and again, to the tune of thousands of dollars: We believed the claim that treatment wasn't needed; we paid for apartments, bought groceries and dog food, paid for license reinstatements and fines, bought cars, paid towing fees and court costs. Don't do that. It doesn't work. If he refuses treatment, then pay for a room at the YMCA for a month. That's what I would do, now. I know everyone is always saying you just have to toss them out. I could never do it, even after I'd realized that I SHOULD do just that.</p><p></p><p>But that's just me. It took me forever to become strong enough to learn the line between guilt and mother-love. </p><p></p><p>This is what worked: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct. </p><p></p><p>That phrase worked because it is true. In your case, the phrase would be "I love you to much to HELP you self-destruct." In other words, you refuse to condone what your son is doing to his life by supporting him while he does it. </p><p></p><p>Know that I wish you strong and healthy and happy, again. I know how this hurts, how confused and guilty you feel. But you aren't the one making the choices for your son. He is--and he knows better. You taught him better. Let him come up with the plan for his future, for once. I would be willing to bet a quarter you were the kind of parents who expected great grades and prepared for him to go to college. We were that kind of parent, too. But none of those things happened.</p><p></p><p>No matter how hard we dreamed it, how bad we wanted it, how hard we tried to make it so...none of those things happened.</p><p></p><p>Another important thing is to tell your husband that you see his suffering, and are sorry for his pain. Words to that effect helped us begin to put our marriage back together. </p><p></p><p>Sending strength. You will all make it through this time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 573885, member: 1721"] This is something that helped me. One of the moms on the site posted about how her realization that many 19 year olds are in the armed services changed her understanding of what her own 19 year old son was capable of. At that time, my son was much older than 19 ~ but I too saw my son differently, when I thought of what so many 19 year olds were doing, and risking, and creating. What I did was cut a picture of a group of young soldiers from the newspaper. I posted it next to the phone. Other moms on this site helped me decide how to respond to the accusations I knew my son would level at me once I began standing up for myself. For all I know, those conversations may still be in the archives somewhere. What they would show, if you could see them, is a frightened, guilt-ridden mother taking the blame and apologizing for the choices her grown son refused to stop making. I actually wrote their suggestions down and kept those by the phone, too. And it worked. Over time, it worked. I was able to change. Cruel as it sounds, the difference between me and the mom whose son opted to join the service or take school seriously is that I took on the guilt my son should have experienced for the choices he'd made. What I needed to learn was that I was creating my own monster. I am the one who needed to change. My son had no choice but to create his own life once I no longer felt guilty because he hadn't. It is a strange and hurtful path we need to walk when our children refuse to go in the way we have taught them. Until we can clearly see the rightness of our actions and demands where our grown children are concerned, we cannot change anything for them. But unless we do, we are enabling them to continue doing things that are harmful to them. And that is the key. You are the one who needs to be strong enough to push him out, or he will grow into a self-indulgent, dependent, possibly drug-addicted, man. The time will come when you will decide to take your life back. Let it be now, when your son still has time to come back from his bad choices. I would not turn him in for the jewelry. Let him start with a clean slate. But thirty days from now, he needs to be gone from your house. Not for you, but for him. An option for treatment for his drug use should be offered. If he refuses, then you have done all you can. Here is what we did, time and again, to the tune of thousands of dollars: We believed the claim that treatment wasn't needed; we paid for apartments, bought groceries and dog food, paid for license reinstatements and fines, bought cars, paid towing fees and court costs. Don't do that. It doesn't work. If he refuses treatment, then pay for a room at the YMCA for a month. That's what I would do, now. I know everyone is always saying you just have to toss them out. I could never do it, even after I'd realized that I SHOULD do just that. But that's just me. It took me forever to become strong enough to learn the line between guilt and mother-love. This is what worked: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct. That phrase worked because it is true. In your case, the phrase would be "I love you to much to HELP you self-destruct." In other words, you refuse to condone what your son is doing to his life by supporting him while he does it. Know that I wish you strong and healthy and happy, again. I know how this hurts, how confused and guilty you feel. But you aren't the one making the choices for your son. He is--and he knows better. You taught him better. Let him come up with the plan for his future, for once. I would be willing to bet a quarter you were the kind of parents who expected great grades and prepared for him to go to college. We were that kind of parent, too. But none of those things happened. No matter how hard we dreamed it, how bad we wanted it, how hard we tried to make it so...none of those things happened. Another important thing is to tell your husband that you see his suffering, and are sorry for his pain. Words to that effect helped us begin to put our marriage back together. Sending strength. You will all make it through this time. [/QUOTE]
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serious problem with 19 y/o difficult child what to do?
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