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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 699170" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Good grief, Donna. Sorry to hear you are going through this.</p><p></p><p>No, I certainly don't think you need to step back into those days of being the target of her rages, property destruction, sleepless nights, theft, gaslighting, and all the rest of it.</p><p></p><p>That is an interesting and tortured rationalization about the money you've spent vs. the money the plane ticket would cost. So the less you help, the less you owe her? Gee, tell her you aren't going to help her at all anymore. By that logic you should be off the hook for the plane ticket and all things going forward.</p><p></p><p>I think I can relate to your reaction when she accused you of not being "remotely humane." The last time I would not help my son out of (another) mess, he told me he didn't know how I could sleep at night or live with myself when he was "starving to the point of throwing up bile, sleeping under an overpass and dying of thirst in 1 more day."</p><p></p><p>I mean, really. Where do they get off saying these kinds of things to their own mothers, because they aren't getting what they want?!</p><p></p><p>There are probably a lot of my own issues wrapped up in what I think, but...</p><p>1. I think there is no point in sending mixed messages. You didn't MAKE her tour the world, it was her choice. Helping her get back home just sets up (more of) an expectation that you will help her again in the future.</p><p></p><p>2. It does not make me very proud to say this, but I feel more at peace when my son is not geographically close. That way I know he isn't going to just show up on my doorstep one day. IF you pay her airfare to get back to the States, I would definitely make sure the emotional boundaries are firmly in place before doing so.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 699170, member: 17720"] Good grief, Donna. Sorry to hear you are going through this. No, I certainly don't think you need to step back into those days of being the target of her rages, property destruction, sleepless nights, theft, gaslighting, and all the rest of it. That is an interesting and tortured rationalization about the money you've spent vs. the money the plane ticket would cost. So the less you help, the less you owe her? Gee, tell her you aren't going to help her at all anymore. By that logic you should be off the hook for the plane ticket and all things going forward. I think I can relate to your reaction when she accused you of not being "remotely humane." The last time I would not help my son out of (another) mess, he told me he didn't know how I could sleep at night or live with myself when he was "starving to the point of throwing up bile, sleeping under an overpass and dying of thirst in 1 more day." I mean, really. Where do they get off saying these kinds of things to their own mothers, because they aren't getting what they want?! There are probably a lot of my own issues wrapped up in what I think, but... 1. I think there is no point in sending mixed messages. You didn't MAKE her tour the world, it was her choice. Helping her get back home just sets up (more of) an expectation that you will help her again in the future. 2. It does not make me very proud to say this, but I feel more at peace when my son is not geographically close. That way I know he isn't going to just show up on my doorstep one day. IF you pay her airfare to get back to the States, I would definitely make sure the emotional boundaries are firmly in place before doing so. [/QUOTE]
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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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