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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Snow White" data-source="post: 699228" data-attributes="member: 355"><p>Thanks so much, everyone. You have reiterated the things I know we must do. I read the detachment article several times yesterday and in reviewing it, I see where we have failed. My failure to totally detach is on the guilt thing. Our 30 year-old son has just returned from 2 years of teaching in Asia (think this is why daughter needed to travel - so she could "one-up" the sibling) and is living in our basement until he gets a permanent teaching position here. Unlike Difficult Child, he pays his share of living/food expenses, is financially stable, contributes to the household chores, follows the house rules and will even take Grandma grocery shopping! He wants to leave as soon as he has secure job status and can get a house/apartment. Difficult Daughter will say that I am favoring the 'golden child' while being "inhumane" and not allowing her to come home.</p><p></p><p>My other hesitation has been because Difficult Child entered into a friendship with a boy who we had previously coached in a sports organization. She had her 'instant love affair' with him in 2009 when both were 18. She even met the parents a few times. But then she moved away and the boy died a year later of a heart defect. Daughter professed her "dying love" for him and flew home for the funeral. She continued a long-distance relationship with the boy's parents, often pitting us against them when she didn't get her way. When Difficult Child decided to take off for Europe/Asia, she shipped her dog to them and they now have the pleasure of caring for the dog that was named the same as their deceased son. The parents live in our city and are somewhat involved in our local sports community. I shudder to think of the lies and stories she has shared with them. I guess I worry somewhat about what other people think. Like most of you, my husband and I have been called every name in the book and accused of atrocities that keep us awake at night. I need to stop that right now. They can have her live with them. They will figure it out then. </p><p></p><p>When the police visited our house the last time in 2009, they gave us a wake-up call. One officer went over the number of times they had been called to the house and the pattern that had developed. They said it would continue until WE changed because it was obvious that she wouldn't change. Daughter took off and moved 1000 miles away and we made the decision that she could not live at home but we continued to "help" her here and there when she got "stuck". </p><p></p><p>I hear what you're saying, Albatross! At the time, it felt that giving her money here and there was better than her being at home or nearby. But it wasn't just money. I would spend hours doing job searches for her, finding accommodations, locating medical care, etc. </p><p></p><p>I also made the mistake of doing other internet searches recently - and finding materials that said I need to do the exact opposite of what I know we need to do. I seriously thought I was losing my mind for a moment but then remembered the resources here....of people who are living the same life as we are. You are all so helpful and supportive! </p><p></p><p>I need to get over this hurdle. I know my husband and I have given her the same opportunities (actually, we've extended more to her) as her brother. She chose to not follow the house rules. I need to have the difficult conversation with her....and then wait for the toddler fit (love that analogy, SomewhereOutThere), suicide threats and emotional pleas. She can work. She can support herself. She can heal herself, if she wants to.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again. Sorry for the long-winded reply.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Snow White, post: 699228, member: 355"] Thanks so much, everyone. You have reiterated the things I know we must do. I read the detachment article several times yesterday and in reviewing it, I see where we have failed. My failure to totally detach is on the guilt thing. Our 30 year-old son has just returned from 2 years of teaching in Asia (think this is why daughter needed to travel - so she could "one-up" the sibling) and is living in our basement until he gets a permanent teaching position here. Unlike Difficult Child, he pays his share of living/food expenses, is financially stable, contributes to the household chores, follows the house rules and will even take Grandma grocery shopping! He wants to leave as soon as he has secure job status and can get a house/apartment. Difficult Daughter will say that I am favoring the 'golden child' while being "inhumane" and not allowing her to come home. My other hesitation has been because Difficult Child entered into a friendship with a boy who we had previously coached in a sports organization. She had her 'instant love affair' with him in 2009 when both were 18. She even met the parents a few times. But then she moved away and the boy died a year later of a heart defect. Daughter professed her "dying love" for him and flew home for the funeral. She continued a long-distance relationship with the boy's parents, often pitting us against them when she didn't get her way. When Difficult Child decided to take off for Europe/Asia, she shipped her dog to them and they now have the pleasure of caring for the dog that was named the same as their deceased son. The parents live in our city and are somewhat involved in our local sports community. I shudder to think of the lies and stories she has shared with them. I guess I worry somewhat about what other people think. Like most of you, my husband and I have been called every name in the book and accused of atrocities that keep us awake at night. I need to stop that right now. They can have her live with them. They will figure it out then. When the police visited our house the last time in 2009, they gave us a wake-up call. One officer went over the number of times they had been called to the house and the pattern that had developed. They said it would continue until WE changed because it was obvious that she wouldn't change. Daughter took off and moved 1000 miles away and we made the decision that she could not live at home but we continued to "help" her here and there when she got "stuck". I hear what you're saying, Albatross! At the time, it felt that giving her money here and there was better than her being at home or nearby. But it wasn't just money. I would spend hours doing job searches for her, finding accommodations, locating medical care, etc. I also made the mistake of doing other internet searches recently - and finding materials that said I need to do the exact opposite of what I know we need to do. I seriously thought I was losing my mind for a moment but then remembered the resources here....of people who are living the same life as we are. You are all so helpful and supportive! I need to get over this hurdle. I know my husband and I have given her the same opportunities (actually, we've extended more to her) as her brother. She chose to not follow the house rules. I need to have the difficult conversation with her....and then wait for the toddler fit (love that analogy, SomewhereOutThere), suicide threats and emotional pleas. She can work. She can support herself. She can heal herself, if she wants to. Thanks again. Sorry for the long-winded reply. [/QUOTE]
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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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