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<blockquote data-quote="detachingmother" data-source="post: 682180" data-attributes="member: 20063"><p>I think keep doing it how you are doing it. The answer will come. Sit with it, and pray, and the answer will come. You have to do whats right for you. What's comfortable for you. Right? Seems this way to me. Sometimes I just sit and wait, read and vent, sit and wait some more. Tomorrow is a new day. I am doing what's comfortable for me...tomorrow I will put a little money on Son's phone account, so I can assess where we both are...the answer will come for me, when I hear him, which way to go next. If he's disrespectful, we will not talk for awhile. Not sure I could make it more than a few weeks. That's only happened a few times. I have gone months with no communication, and it helped me at least with respite, but not sure it helped him at the time. </p><p>Sometimes I actually wonder if him and I together, in any communication, forms some kind of storm in and of itself/ within ourselves/ each of us. Like bad medicine or something, because sometimes I really feel like I make things worse (well, duh, I guess I do when I am enabling), even when I think I am not enabling. </p><p></p><p>Enabling can be confusing. Some of my religious beliefs alone, some Judaism, says I must take care of my own kin/family, regardless, to not ditch them...etc. It is sooooo hard finding the fine line. Family Rabbi told me I should not give up on him for ANY reason. But, if needed to "love him from a distance for awhile", which is why I keep the line of communication open, always, and take periodic breaks, to try to teach him to respect me. The root of why I do things the way I do is found in my religious base. While I am not totally orthodox, I subscribe to two religions (different, I know, but how I was raised-two parents with two different religions), this is how I think about enabling.</p><p></p><p>For me, I do know that I cannot give money, unless it's in a way it cannot be used to get drugs. I have to be careful how and when I show love and affection too, because if he views it as "weak" he will try to manipulate. Yes, it's hard to find that fine line, and just when I think I do, he changes up where it is...</p><p></p><p>For you, the answer will also come. In one form or another. </p><p></p><p>Safety first though, if you feel there's a safety issue, then you must wait until you are comfortable and feeling safe. Keep yourself safe from harm. I'm sure you know this...I feel for you, I pray for you, especially that you will get your answer on how to proceed.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the keeping "loving" boundaries, without becoming too cold. Personally, even when I am in a detached mode, I've always let Son know I am here to talk...he hears this as, "I am only a phone call away, but I am not financially helping you with your mess ups with the law, and I am not letting you disrespect me or the other family members", but if he's disrespectful, I end the talk until he can be respectful (respectful means many things to me...not raising his voice, not swearing, not asking for money, not asking me to loan him money until he gets out of jail, not asking me to do things I do not think will be good for him, like write the judge and ask if he can get released on tether instead of in-patient treatment, like not arguing with me over what I consider ridiculous non-productive subjects whatever those may be, like not telling me how to handle younger son who happens to be doing very well, etc). </p><p></p><p>These are some of my boundaries. Also, he must take his medications when he gets out if they are prescribed, and basically follow his program. If he doesn't, it doesn't mean I will cut him off of love and warmth...it just means, he needs to go back to square one and maybe not have contact for awhile. At least until he calls and tries again to be respectful, or I reach out to check on him to see if he's ready to be respectful and grow out of his mess. Maybe he never will, but I will leave this door open, even if it means I have to go through a little push and pull. When I can't handle it, I get away from him for awhile. It's the dynamic we created, and will maybe be this way until Heck freezes over. I don't know. lol.</p><p></p><p>I do think sometimes we/I make it harder than it should be.... We can lay out our boundaries, but it doesn't mean they cannot be changed when we are comfortable with changing it up. It doesn't have to be, "I will not talk to you ever, if you do not conform." I don't know...sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves. I also think it's kind of like a drug addict, if our "enabling" is affecting other aspects of our lives in a negative way (in your case, maybe not feeling safe if you reach out), and making hard to function, then it IS going too far....if on the other hand, it's not affecting, negatively, our lives (safety, security,financial status, job, etc), then ok....not that big of deal.</p><p></p><p>You have to do what is right for you. I am praying for you now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="detachingmother, post: 682180, member: 20063"] I think keep doing it how you are doing it. The answer will come. Sit with it, and pray, and the answer will come. You have to do whats right for you. What's comfortable for you. Right? Seems this way to me. Sometimes I just sit and wait, read and vent, sit and wait some more. Tomorrow is a new day. I am doing what's comfortable for me...tomorrow I will put a little money on Son's phone account, so I can assess where we both are...the answer will come for me, when I hear him, which way to go next. If he's disrespectful, we will not talk for awhile. Not sure I could make it more than a few weeks. That's only happened a few times. I have gone months with no communication, and it helped me at least with respite, but not sure it helped him at the time. Sometimes I actually wonder if him and I together, in any communication, forms some kind of storm in and of itself/ within ourselves/ each of us. Like bad medicine or something, because sometimes I really feel like I make things worse (well, duh, I guess I do when I am enabling), even when I think I am not enabling. Enabling can be confusing. Some of my religious beliefs alone, some Judaism, says I must take care of my own kin/family, regardless, to not ditch them...etc. It is sooooo hard finding the fine line. Family Rabbi told me I should not give up on him for ANY reason. But, if needed to "love him from a distance for awhile", which is why I keep the line of communication open, always, and take periodic breaks, to try to teach him to respect me. The root of why I do things the way I do is found in my religious base. While I am not totally orthodox, I subscribe to two religions (different, I know, but how I was raised-two parents with two different religions), this is how I think about enabling. For me, I do know that I cannot give money, unless it's in a way it cannot be used to get drugs. I have to be careful how and when I show love and affection too, because if he views it as "weak" he will try to manipulate. Yes, it's hard to find that fine line, and just when I think I do, he changes up where it is... For you, the answer will also come. In one form or another. Safety first though, if you feel there's a safety issue, then you must wait until you are comfortable and feeling safe. Keep yourself safe from harm. I'm sure you know this...I feel for you, I pray for you, especially that you will get your answer on how to proceed. I agree with the keeping "loving" boundaries, without becoming too cold. Personally, even when I am in a detached mode, I've always let Son know I am here to talk...he hears this as, "I am only a phone call away, but I am not financially helping you with your mess ups with the law, and I am not letting you disrespect me or the other family members", but if he's disrespectful, I end the talk until he can be respectful (respectful means many things to me...not raising his voice, not swearing, not asking for money, not asking me to loan him money until he gets out of jail, not asking me to do things I do not think will be good for him, like write the judge and ask if he can get released on tether instead of in-patient treatment, like not arguing with me over what I consider ridiculous non-productive subjects whatever those may be, like not telling me how to handle younger son who happens to be doing very well, etc). These are some of my boundaries. Also, he must take his medications when he gets out if they are prescribed, and basically follow his program. If he doesn't, it doesn't mean I will cut him off of love and warmth...it just means, he needs to go back to square one and maybe not have contact for awhile. At least until he calls and tries again to be respectful, or I reach out to check on him to see if he's ready to be respectful and grow out of his mess. Maybe he never will, but I will leave this door open, even if it means I have to go through a little push and pull. When I can't handle it, I get away from him for awhile. It's the dynamic we created, and will maybe be this way until Heck freezes over. I don't know. lol. I do think sometimes we/I make it harder than it should be.... We can lay out our boundaries, but it doesn't mean they cannot be changed when we are comfortable with changing it up. It doesn't have to be, "I will not talk to you ever, if you do not conform." I don't know...sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves. I also think it's kind of like a drug addict, if our "enabling" is affecting other aspects of our lives in a negative way (in your case, maybe not feeling safe if you reach out), and making hard to function, then it IS going too far....if on the other hand, it's not affecting, negatively, our lives (safety, security,financial status, job, etc), then ok....not that big of deal. You have to do what is right for you. I am praying for you now. [/QUOTE]
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