Hi, I have a non-existant relationship with my mother. She was very, very abusive to me as a child. And anytime I have spoken with her as an adult, its just more of the same. I haven't spoken a word to her in years. She had my father cease all contact with his parents and sisters.( I was 15 at the time, and old enought to had their phone numbers memorized, so secretly I did still talk to them. My sister and brother never, and still don't talk to them. They were younger than I was.) My dad made up with his sisters after 20 years. Anyway, yesterday my mother called husband at work crying -he can't talk to her, he's a busy carpenter-he's not at a desk or anything. And she was saying things to him like she was sorry, and she was young when she had me...I told husband that I didn't want to hear anymore of this. But husband knows how I feel and didn't engage her, he told her to call me. He didn't know what to say. Last night I heard it was her on the caller ID, I didn't answer. But she left a message, I don't plan on listening to it but I also don't know how to erase it unless its listenend to. Does anyone have Comcast phone service? and know? I don't want to even hear her voice. by the way my brother has dissapeared off the face of the earth for all we know. He grew up with her also, when he was younger he joined the Marines, and didn't tell them where he was. His friends spilled the beans when my parents said they were going to the police. He told them not to speak to him and now they have no clue as to where he is. He's 39. So 2 out of 3 have no contact with her. I have seen my brother once since he was 18. I guess this is what they taught us, and you know...the sins of the fathers...and all that. I'm not mad at her -it is what it is. Should I avoid, or confront? Everyone here has such good advice....I'm thinking ignore. -Alyssa
She can lie in it
- Thread starter 1905
- Start date
1 Day At a Time
Member
Alyssa,
If your instinct is telling you to ignore the message then I think you should follow your instinct. I don't know how to erase the message without listening to it, but maybe husband can do that for you with you out of the vicinity?
I just took a call from my Mom and I'm still seething. It amazes me that she would still be interested in lashing out at me when I'm in my fifties and she's in her eighties. Sigh, some things never change - and I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't expect them to change. However, no matter how much I play "the good daughter role" , bend over backwards, and refuse her to take her baiting - she just escalates her campaign to get a rise out of me. Believe me, if someone here hadn't picked up the phone - that message would have gotten lost today.
I think that you should do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Take care.
If your instinct is telling you to ignore the message then I think you should follow your instinct. I don't know how to erase the message without listening to it, but maybe husband can do that for you with you out of the vicinity?
I just took a call from my Mom and I'm still seething. It amazes me that she would still be interested in lashing out at me when I'm in my fifties and she's in her eighties. Sigh, some things never change - and I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't expect them to change. However, no matter how much I play "the good daughter role" , bend over backwards, and refuse her to take her baiting - she just escalates her campaign to get a rise out of me. Believe me, if someone here hadn't picked up the phone - that message would have gotten lost today.
I think that you should do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Take care.
AllStressedOut
New Member
I agree, follow your instinct.
People don't change over time, they just find new ways to manipulate. I honestly believe that if someone is truly not a nice person, they will always be that way. If having contact with her just hurts you more, than don't. You have a family, your husband and your boys.
(((hugs))) I know how disappointing parents can be.
People don't change over time, they just find new ways to manipulate. I honestly believe that if someone is truly not a nice person, they will always be that way. If having contact with her just hurts you more, than don't. You have a family, your husband and your boys.
(((hugs))) I know how disappointing parents can be.
F
flutterbee
Guest
My first thought is that she called your husband because she's looking for an ally. I'm glad husband didn't take the bait.
I would ignore the message. This sounds like more manipulation to me. If she is truly sorry, she will respect your feelings on this. Otherwise, she is making this about her and not at all about you. If she feels she really needs to convey how she feels, she could write a letter.
I would ignore the message. This sounds like more manipulation to me. If she is truly sorry, she will respect your feelings on this. Otherwise, she is making this about her and not at all about you. If she feels she really needs to convey how she feels, she could write a letter.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Sounds like her vindictiveness has come back to bite her and she's looking for an ally. Almost makes you pity her, doesn't it?
And if she has truly changed, it's like The Boy Who Cried Wolf. She did it to herself. Too bad.
When I erase calls and don't want to listen to the entire thing, I listen to the 1st breath, because there's always a split second b4 the vox actually shows up, then hit "delete." You may have to do that.
Good luck.
And if she has truly changed, it's like The Boy Who Cried Wolf. She did it to herself. Too bad.
When I erase calls and don't want to listen to the entire thing, I listen to the 1st breath, because there's always a split second b4 the vox actually shows up, then hit "delete." You may have to do that.
Good luck.
Lothlorien
Active Member
I have absolutely no contact with my bio-mother. The one time she finally decided that she wanted to "get to know me before it was too late", I took the bait. I was in her filthy, disgusting apartment for 45 minutes while she talked about herself and all of her boyfriends. Finally, she asked me what I did for a living. After engaging her for about an hour and a half, I left. I never looked back. I didn't experience the abuse (it her hands, anyway, but someone else's instead) that you did, but I understand what you are going through. Personally, if your feelings are to run, then stay away. If you feel the urge to tell her your thoughts, write them down, rather than confront her. Send it to her if you wish, or not.
Well I called Comcast, and they told me what to do, it's deleted. Now she has apparently emailed me, I opened it and nothing was written-strange. Now I feel like I should reply. This is not right. For now I'll ignore. I don't want to cause myself any distress. Not worth it. Thanks for the replies. I can always count on an understanding ear.-Alyssa (I wonder how she got my email adress, and husband's cell phone number?)
meowbunny
New Member
Do what is best for you. If you think that in 20 years you won't regret giving her a chance, don't bother. I would simply have someone tell her to write you a letter and when you are ready to read it you will. If you're never ready, that's okay. It is your choice. If one day you are curious, you can read it.
I have a huge rift with my mother that I doubt will ever be overcome. One of the reasons I was willing to move across country was to get totally away from her venom. I will call her on occasion to see that she is okay but that's about it. I will call her because it is the right thing for me, not because I have to or because she wants me to.
(((((ALYSSA)))))
I have a huge rift with my mother that I doubt will ever be overcome. One of the reasons I was willing to move across country was to get totally away from her venom. I will call her on occasion to see that she is okay but that's about it. I will call her because it is the right thing for me, not because I have to or because she wants me to.
(((((ALYSSA)))))
Star*
call 911........call 911
I am sorry that you were abused. That is horrible. What an awful childhood you had. I'm so sorry.
I had thought about this for a while before I decided to post anything, mostly because I have such a good relationship with my Mom (sans defiant teen years) but overall we have a great life.
So to help you I had to draw on the relationship I had with my x-mother in law. Controlling, manipulative, degrading, argumentative, and a liar. Those were her good points. When I left my marriage, she made it clear that I didn't leave 'her'.
In my head it would be a tossup as to whom is more evil her or her son (my x) Both were manipulative and both were/are very, very ill. Self medicating, woe is me, feel sorry for me type people. Loathesome.
When I left my torturous and abusive marriage, my son was just devestated (and went overboard) about Gramma. I would find out later that she had abused and tortured my son. The behavior of needing gramma was typical for a child that had been abused. Counseling showed my son that it wasn't right that Gramma was so mean and abusive.
WE hid from them for years and a glitch by a phone company gave her our address. When she showed up I panicked. All those controlling feelings came over me, and my life was just starting to feel safe. Df said I had to face her, and she demanded to see her grandson. My son really wanted nothing to do with her, but even at his age 12 told me the RULES that grama had to follow to talk to him. She blew it in the first minute and my 12 year old son got up and left the table with her catterwalling, crying WHAT DID I DO? THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
The last time she came to visit unwanted and unannounced, she actually managed to engage me in a scream fest, which DF broke up saying "NOT AT OUR HOME." She backed down, I saw difficult child hiding in the woods on his bike to avoid her and I finally told her that my son had admitted to the therapist that she had abused him and x had molested him and sold him for drugs.
After that (calling her on the carpet) I was innundated with phone calls, emails, letters to the point I typed out a legal leave me alone letter and sent it registered mail to her, and my x, with copies to the therapist, caseworker, and sheriff's dept.
She died a while back and I thought I would feel remorse or sadness at her passing. I didn't. It was like nothing. I sat my son down and told him too. I said "Honey your Grama died Tuesday." and he looked at me as if there were more to be said and then said "Can I go ride my bike?" Nothing there either.
Sometimes the smart money is on keeping to what is working for you and what has helped work in the past. I feel through your writing you're more aggitated she's even trying because your brain knows what the outcome will be. Even if you aren't psychic, history tends to repeat itself.
I'm sorry that you can't find your brother. That must be difficult too. My advice would be to tell her that you've lived your past, mended what she did, and would prefer that she not be in your future. VERY IMPORTANT: NONE of what was done to you, your dad, your siblings was YOUR fault. You were a victim and by the sound of things are an overcomer. Tell her if she's changed then good for her, she needed to change and you hope she doesn't continue to further hurt others or herself with her behavior, but enough time hasn't or will not ever pass to allow a relationship. Tell her these are your wishes, she should respect them.
Don't be petty or vindictive. She's a sick person. Doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for her. It just means that you've done very well for yourself to overcome her abuse and move on in your life - a life which she may not be a part of.
This is really heart wrenching - I am so sorry for you.
Hugs & Love
Star
I had thought about this for a while before I decided to post anything, mostly because I have such a good relationship with my Mom (sans defiant teen years) but overall we have a great life.
So to help you I had to draw on the relationship I had with my x-mother in law. Controlling, manipulative, degrading, argumentative, and a liar. Those were her good points. When I left my marriage, she made it clear that I didn't leave 'her'.
In my head it would be a tossup as to whom is more evil her or her son (my x) Both were manipulative and both were/are very, very ill. Self medicating, woe is me, feel sorry for me type people. Loathesome.
When I left my torturous and abusive marriage, my son was just devestated (and went overboard) about Gramma. I would find out later that she had abused and tortured my son. The behavior of needing gramma was typical for a child that had been abused. Counseling showed my son that it wasn't right that Gramma was so mean and abusive.
WE hid from them for years and a glitch by a phone company gave her our address. When she showed up I panicked. All those controlling feelings came over me, and my life was just starting to feel safe. Df said I had to face her, and she demanded to see her grandson. My son really wanted nothing to do with her, but even at his age 12 told me the RULES that grama had to follow to talk to him. She blew it in the first minute and my 12 year old son got up and left the table with her catterwalling, crying WHAT DID I DO? THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
The last time she came to visit unwanted and unannounced, she actually managed to engage me in a scream fest, which DF broke up saying "NOT AT OUR HOME." She backed down, I saw difficult child hiding in the woods on his bike to avoid her and I finally told her that my son had admitted to the therapist that she had abused him and x had molested him and sold him for drugs.
After that (calling her on the carpet) I was innundated with phone calls, emails, letters to the point I typed out a legal leave me alone letter and sent it registered mail to her, and my x, with copies to the therapist, caseworker, and sheriff's dept.
She died a while back and I thought I would feel remorse or sadness at her passing. I didn't. It was like nothing. I sat my son down and told him too. I said "Honey your Grama died Tuesday." and he looked at me as if there were more to be said and then said "Can I go ride my bike?" Nothing there either.
Sometimes the smart money is on keeping to what is working for you and what has helped work in the past. I feel through your writing you're more aggitated she's even trying because your brain knows what the outcome will be. Even if you aren't psychic, history tends to repeat itself.
I'm sorry that you can't find your brother. That must be difficult too. My advice would be to tell her that you've lived your past, mended what she did, and would prefer that she not be in your future. VERY IMPORTANT: NONE of what was done to you, your dad, your siblings was YOUR fault. You were a victim and by the sound of things are an overcomer. Tell her if she's changed then good for her, she needed to change and you hope she doesn't continue to further hurt others or herself with her behavior, but enough time hasn't or will not ever pass to allow a relationship. Tell her these are your wishes, she should respect them.
Don't be petty or vindictive. She's a sick person. Doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for her. It just means that you've done very well for yourself to overcome her abuse and move on in your life - a life which she may not be a part of.
This is really heart wrenching - I am so sorry for you.
Hugs & Love
Star
Fran
Former desparate mom
The upside of being an adult is getting to make choices. You have a choice to engage someone who is a negative influence or not.
Your decision to have a life without her is yours and she doesn't get to countermand that decision because she feels bad.
It doesn't feel good to turn your back from your mother. It feels a lot worse to have her go for the jugular. It's a choice.
The only word of caution is that if she is ready to make amends or sincere apology, you may want that but don't fall prey to her manipulations. Leopards seldom change their spots. They just camoflage them to survive.
Your decision to have a life without her is yours and she doesn't get to countermand that decision because she feels bad.
It doesn't feel good to turn your back from your mother. It feels a lot worse to have her go for the jugular. It's a choice.
The only word of caution is that if she is ready to make amends or sincere apology, you may want that but don't fall prey to her manipulations. Leopards seldom change their spots. They just camoflage them to survive.
Star-I'm so sorry for what you and your son went through. What an awful woman! For any person to abuse a child, someone who can't defend themselves, it's unforgivable. I am going to reply to her e-mail and say only enough time has not, and will not ever pass to allow a relationship. These are my wishes and she needs to respect them. And then I'm typing Frans line about how she doesn't get to countermand that decision because she feels bad. I really don't want to give her anything to respond to. I'll be brief. Thank you all for having the best advice. -Alyssa
SunnyFlorida
Active Member
husband's mother is "a piece of work". A friend told me about a book called "toxic parents". It really helped me.
As an adult, you can choose who you wish to have contact with and who you don't. Since it's not healthy for us to be stressed, I'd probably avoid all contact with her.
As an adult, you can choose who you wish to have contact with and who you don't. Since it's not healthy for us to be stressed, I'd probably avoid all contact with her.
