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She stole $13,000
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<blockquote data-quote="Stealing" data-source="post: 704219" data-attributes="member: 21136"><p>Thanks for the responses.</p><p></p><p>Do you really think confronting her about this is a good idea? I mean surely, I will HAVE to talk to her about it at some point - but I'm concerned that with her current state of stress over the issue, confronting her or giving her ultimatums may not be helpful to the situation. She may actually regress and it may only serve to cause more problems if I push into it. </p><p></p><p>I'm even more concerned about telling her to confront her mom about it. I know ultimately, it's the right thing to do - but on the other hand, there is absolutely NO WAY she'll be able to pay that money back anytime soon and I'm worried about breaking her family apart. I don't really feel like it's my place to force her into telling her mom which might result in ruining her relationship with her own mother or possibly her other family members even.</p><p></p><p>Of course, I want her to learn a lesson and I want to see that this is something she isn't making a habit of (especially in regards to our future together). From what I know, this has been a one-time thing. In fact, she went into a lot of her debt years ago helping her parents stay in their home instead of losing it when her dad went through a period of unemployment due to work related injury. She hasn't historically been the best with money, but it's always been <em>her</em> money at her own detriment (hence, the consumer debt). She isn't someone who I've ever seen steal money or objects or con people just to continue a habit like shopping. She's gone through cycles where she racks up consumer debt, gets a second job, and pays it all back to zero. Then does it over again.</p><p></p><p>She got into therapy mostly for this reason, and I have seen her improve that aspect of her life in the past year. I gave her an ultimatum at that time because we were arguing about whether we could have a future together because of her finance problems. She's been a lot more frugal in the past year and she's been paying her debt down considerably. It sounds like this $13,000 is an accumulation over <em>years</em> that she took a little bit here and there, rather than all at once... and, she stated to me, that she hasn't been paying her mom's account back because it's zero interest compared to her credit cards and she thought she could pay those off first - and then be able to pay her mom's chunk of cash back a lot quicker once those credit cards are gone. </p><p></p><p>I'm not making any excuses by any means, but I'm trying to view this objectively after sleeping on it. On one hand, she's doing the things she's supposed to be doing: she's in therapy for the issue, and she's made visible improvement over the past year. She stated to me that she's going to be handing the account access off to her sister so she won't have access to it once she starts paying the money back (right now, there's nothing in it). She seems remorseful and it's causing her a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, the moral issue bothers me, and the sticker shock of 13 grand kinda took me off guard.</p><p></p><p>Right now, we're in a unique situation. We have zero joint accounts so I don't have to worry about that. Due to our work schedules being a lot different, we see each other 2 days a week. On that note, a second job for her right now is almost impossible. Between work and commute she's gone from 5am - 8/9pm at night Mon-Fri. I work nights and she's still up until 2am every day doing her homework for her masters degree. Most of the 2 days a week we see each other are spent sitting side by side doing homework the entire day (I'm also pursuing a higher degree). There is a possibility her next few classes won't be as rigorous, and she'll have more free time - but right now, it's nearly impossible. </p><p></p><p>Due to our situation, I've considered that I'm already pretty removed from the situation and I guess I'm lucky enough that I don't have much to lose (besides her) if she screwed up somehow. It may be to my advantage to push her in the right direction by selling some of her things, etc ... and see how she decides to act, rather than giving her an ultimatum, and how she acts may tell me everything I need to know. </p><p></p><p>What do you think?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stealing, post: 704219, member: 21136"] Thanks for the responses. Do you really think confronting her about this is a good idea? I mean surely, I will HAVE to talk to her about it at some point - but I'm concerned that with her current state of stress over the issue, confronting her or giving her ultimatums may not be helpful to the situation. She may actually regress and it may only serve to cause more problems if I push into it. I'm even more concerned about telling her to confront her mom about it. I know ultimately, it's the right thing to do - but on the other hand, there is absolutely NO WAY she'll be able to pay that money back anytime soon and I'm worried about breaking her family apart. I don't really feel like it's my place to force her into telling her mom which might result in ruining her relationship with her own mother or possibly her other family members even. Of course, I want her to learn a lesson and I want to see that this is something she isn't making a habit of (especially in regards to our future together). From what I know, this has been a one-time thing. In fact, she went into a lot of her debt years ago helping her parents stay in their home instead of losing it when her dad went through a period of unemployment due to work related injury. She hasn't historically been the best with money, but it's always been [I]her[/I] money at her own detriment (hence, the consumer debt). She isn't someone who I've ever seen steal money or objects or con people just to continue a habit like shopping. She's gone through cycles where she racks up consumer debt, gets a second job, and pays it all back to zero. Then does it over again. She got into therapy mostly for this reason, and I have seen her improve that aspect of her life in the past year. I gave her an ultimatum at that time because we were arguing about whether we could have a future together because of her finance problems. She's been a lot more frugal in the past year and she's been paying her debt down considerably. It sounds like this $13,000 is an accumulation over [I]years[/I] that she took a little bit here and there, rather than all at once... and, she stated to me, that she hasn't been paying her mom's account back because it's zero interest compared to her credit cards and she thought she could pay those off first - and then be able to pay her mom's chunk of cash back a lot quicker once those credit cards are gone. I'm not making any excuses by any means, but I'm trying to view this objectively after sleeping on it. On one hand, she's doing the things she's supposed to be doing: she's in therapy for the issue, and she's made visible improvement over the past year. She stated to me that she's going to be handing the account access off to her sister so she won't have access to it once she starts paying the money back (right now, there's nothing in it). She seems remorseful and it's causing her a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, the moral issue bothers me, and the sticker shock of 13 grand kinda took me off guard. Right now, we're in a unique situation. We have zero joint accounts so I don't have to worry about that. Due to our work schedules being a lot different, we see each other 2 days a week. On that note, a second job for her right now is almost impossible. Between work and commute she's gone from 5am - 8/9pm at night Mon-Fri. I work nights and she's still up until 2am every day doing her homework for her masters degree. Most of the 2 days a week we see each other are spent sitting side by side doing homework the entire day (I'm also pursuing a higher degree). There is a possibility her next few classes won't be as rigorous, and she'll have more free time - but right now, it's nearly impossible. Due to our situation, I've considered that I'm already pretty removed from the situation and I guess I'm lucky enough that I don't have much to lose (besides her) if she screwed up somehow. It may be to my advantage to push her in the right direction by selling some of her things, etc ... and see how she decides to act, rather than giving her an ultimatum, and how she acts may tell me everything I need to know. What do you think? [/QUOTE]
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