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She will never be normal, will she?
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<blockquote data-quote="Stick a Fork in Me" data-source="post: 327178" data-attributes="member: 8590"><p>Wow this really is a pretty amazing place.</p><p></p><p>I said things today in that post that I'm afraid to usually THINK out loud. To say them was cathartic but kind of terrifying and literally made me sick. As in running to the bathroom after hitting "submit."</p><p></p><p>I came back expecting to be chastised. I can't believe the thoughtfulness and care you all express.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much.</p><p></p><p>It's true - I've completely stopped taking care of myself and mostly live in an airless moment, waiting for the next wind to blow from her. </p><p></p><p>I haven't seen a therapist in a while, but my old therapist was fabulous and kept telling me that "She's writing her own story - you're only a small chapter in it so stop making her the center of yours. Go live your life the best you can and the example will be the best thing you can offer her."</p><p></p><p>I think her 18th birthday was an unexpectedly terrifying event for me. It's like "OK time's up - how did you do, mom?" I know that's not true, time is never up for a parent, but I still feel like such an utter failure at the one thing in my life that was the most important. I don't know how to let go of the idea that I'm to blame for this. Something I did or didn't do...</p><p></p><p>Which means of course I'm thinking more about myself than about her (and not in a productive way), which isn't going to get anybody anywhere anyway.</p><p></p><p>I'm mourning the loss of my baby and the loss of my dreams. I can't get a new baby at this point! So I'll have to get new dreams.</p><p></p><p>Yeah, I need to still work on that detachment thing, don't I. Somebody cut the umbilical for me, please. I think it's starting to rot.</p><p></p><p>The nickname I use for her when talking to my husband is "The Spawn."</p><p></p><p>Not sure if I should use that one here, LOL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stick a Fork in Me, post: 327178, member: 8590"] Wow this really is a pretty amazing place. I said things today in that post that I'm afraid to usually THINK out loud. To say them was cathartic but kind of terrifying and literally made me sick. As in running to the bathroom after hitting "submit." I came back expecting to be chastised. I can't believe the thoughtfulness and care you all express. Thank you so much. It's true - I've completely stopped taking care of myself and mostly live in an airless moment, waiting for the next wind to blow from her. I haven't seen a therapist in a while, but my old therapist was fabulous and kept telling me that "She's writing her own story - you're only a small chapter in it so stop making her the center of yours. Go live your life the best you can and the example will be the best thing you can offer her." I think her 18th birthday was an unexpectedly terrifying event for me. It's like "OK time's up - how did you do, mom?" I know that's not true, time is never up for a parent, but I still feel like such an utter failure at the one thing in my life that was the most important. I don't know how to let go of the idea that I'm to blame for this. Something I did or didn't do... Which means of course I'm thinking more about myself than about her (and not in a productive way), which isn't going to get anybody anywhere anyway. I'm mourning the loss of my baby and the loss of my dreams. I can't get a new baby at this point! So I'll have to get new dreams. Yeah, I need to still work on that detachment thing, don't I. Somebody cut the umbilical for me, please. I think it's starting to rot. The nickname I use for her when talking to my husband is "The Spawn." Not sure if I should use that one here, LOL. [/QUOTE]
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She will never be normal, will she?
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