Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by alongfortheride, Mar 11, 2009.

  1. We have asked difficult child to leave our home. Short story...enrolled in community college in September, dropped out in October. Made no efforts to get a job or doing anything constructive from October to January. Re-enrolled for Spring semester in January, dropped out end of February. Has done nothing with days except play video games and make messes that he does not pick up. At 19 he has had one job which lasted 2 weeks before he stopped going.

    We have given him until the 22nd to leave. He has no friends to rely on so I think his only choice would be to go to a shelter. He is excruciatingly uncomfortable in new situations. He will hide his head in the sand hoping that this will go away, which it won't.

    How do shelters work? Does he get fed? Where does he spend his days (assuming he won't secure work)? Does he take his medications with him? Do we pick him up for therapist/psychiatrist appointments? There is no shelter in our town so he will have to go to a nearby city. Do we let him take a phone that we pay for? I am scared for him but feel it necessary that he take control of his own life.

    Are there any alternatives to a shelter that I am not aware of? We do have social services in town, should I contact them or leave this completely up to him? I am confident he will fail miserably if he is left to make plans by himself. He won't even place a phone call to get information.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Your son has several pretty debilitating dxes. I don't really know your story but on the surface, I'd contact social services to see if he qualifies for any adult programs before I'd toss him. It could be that he's paralyzed, not obstinant.

  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I feel Suz is right. I know how hard it is. I believe shelters provide food and an oopportunity to find work. We have offered our son the same - he refused. So we had to put him out. It is not easy. It is worse enabling them to do destructive things though.
  4. Rhonda

    Rhonda slightly wilted Magnolia

    Hope this helps!! I just spent hours on the phone looking for a shelter for my daughter. I looked up "homeless, city name, state". I found the coalition for homeless people in my county. I called they gave me all of the numbers for shelters. But the best thing was they gave me numbers for people in crisis.

    Those lines gave me numbers that will help my daughter. Not me - her. They will help her find a place to stay and get clothes and food. They will help her with counseling. Of course she has to ask for it. But I gave her the numbers.

    If you talk to enough places you will find a place to take him and drop him off. It will be up to him after that. Personally I pay for my daughters phone. Not because I want to have a way to talk to her but because I am always afraid she will vanish and the only way to locate her will be looking up those last numbers she called or that called her. I can do that just by logging into my account online. But most intervention specialist will say "do nothing for them".

    If you want to pm me with your city and state. I will be happy to help you locate something if I can.

    Good luck... it is so frustrating. Don't give up on him. The best loving is letting go sometimes..but make sure you are ready..
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2009
  5. I know that his inability to secure work is directly tied to his dxs but he has had years of support/therapy and medications to help him overcome this and he chooses not to help himself. I think one of my biggest problem with him is that he lies to cover himself. For months, I have been told that classes are going well, he left the house at the appropriate time to get to class and truth be told he never went...ever. Same thing in high school. I would drop him off at the front door and he would leave out the back door. Not to go party with friends but to return to the couch. There are parts of the year he uses pot to cope and other times when he doesn't, it all depends on how big a hole he has dug for himself. He is tested regularly.

    His therapist states that he has all the tools he needs to be a productive citizen but that he has not had to use them because he is comfortably ensconced on the couch. The boy is extremely intelligent (140+) but socially inept, has aspie traits but doesn't fit criteria. He is not motivated by reward or consequence but accepts both gracefully. He will do what he feels he needs to do without regard for himself or others.

    He will have the opportunity to return to the house if he secures a job and maintains it as well as clean test. Unfortunately, we can no longer take his word that he "will" or he "did" but need to see action. I am hoping that this will not be a long term situation but more of a kick in the pants to let him see for himself that he can do this.
  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    In our area and in some other places we've lived, shelters lock the doors at 8 am and open again at 5 or 6 pm. People have to go somewhere during the day and meals are not provided. Often there is a soup kitchen either attached or close by, however. If your son lived at a shelter for a bit, he could theoretically work during the day, assuming he found a job with the right hours. Our son has only been able to get minimum wage jobs where places are open 24 hours and he always gets weird, awful hours (like 7 pm to 3 am). That wouldn't work with a shelter because you can't arrive at 3 am.

    I agree with the suggestion as to whether there are social services your son might access - sometimes these provide a Life Skills program re organizing time and getting to work. I know the person still has to actually get up and go to work! But if your son is avoidant about new situations and freezes up rather than tries to cope, maybe a step by step teaching situation would have some success.

    I also agree with your thought that a 'kick in the pants' may be what's needed. As much as we don't want to do things that way, sometimes it seems to be what works. My difficult child ONLY seems to respond when he must, and then he copes just fine. Once things get easier he spins his wheels again. It's frustrating.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am one of the strictest "get them out of the house" moms here, but in your son's case, I don't think I'd be doing that and here is why. It's JMO.
    In spite of all the help he has received, he may have been misdiagnosed. My guess (although I'm not a doctor) is that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum, probably Aspergers, and, if so, you can have an IQ of 160 and still be too socially panicked/inept/terrified to work. What are "Aspie traits, but not enough" anyway? We heard that about my son too, and he's on the spectrum. And it is socially debilitating. And throwing him out won't change that.
    My best friend's son has an IQ of 160 and has Aspergers. He is 31 and just finally got married (found her in Chile over the internet) and is just now moving out in assisted living. He has Disability once a month and can not work. He has tried at least twenty jobs for which he always get fired or walks out. Some would say he is capable, but he really isn't. There are things he doesn't "get" about interacting with people and he can never keep even a janitor's job. With an IQ of 160!!
    Your son isn't doing drugs. He isn't being disrespectful. He is lying because he is afraid you will throw him out if he tells you that he is too afraid to go to school, and he feels you won't understand. It's not like he's lying about staying out all nigiht or taking dope. If this were me, I would never through a young adult like this at a shelter. I'd try to get him an assisted living apartment and a social worker. He may need to work at a sheltered workshop, in spite of his high IQ, or he may need to collect disability and just learn how to survive day-to-day with a little adult assistance. He clearly isn't like most kids who I think need the harsh realities of life.
    Your son's therapist may be wrong. I think he is. I don't believe that your son should be punished--although finding him viable alternatives is a very good idea. After all, regardless, you can't live forever and he needs to have a place to stay. I have a son on the autism spectrum and I know he's smart and he has had interventions all of his life, but when he becomes a so-called adult (and these kids often don't become adults until they are 25), he will still probably need some help. We have different expectations of him than of our other four kids. Even if your son truly doesn't have Aspergers Syndrome, he is still very disabled. Remember that a therapist is but one opinion. I've had twenty tdocs in my day and most of then stunk and didn't "get" me at all. In the end, you know your son best. You have to do what you feel is right.
    Again, this is JMO, but this is not a child that I'd just throw out of the house. Unlike young drug addicts, I don't think it will be a wake up call for hiim or that he is intentionally disregarding your wishes. Maybe you are in denial and feel he is more capable than he is. Anyone who is Aspie-like would likely be a sitting duck for tougher people in shelters, get robbed, beaten up, or duped. I can't even imagine my son on the streets that way--he wouldn't be tough enough to handle it, and everyone would take advantage of him, maybe even sexually.
    Again JMO. Hope the post is taken in the good-natured spirit it was intended.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009