She's coming home...and I'm afraid

[BusynMember]

This is my difficult child who was a drug abuser and no longer is.
She has a story beyond the drug abuse. She was sexually assaulted at eight years old at the house of a friend by a strange man. He was visiting. I also think she has been sexually abused elsewhere, but she doesn't like to talk about it. At any rate, although she has quit using and has held many jobs, she never seems happy with them, is always quitting, and allows everyone else to boss her around (against her own best interests). From time to time she gets very emotional and calls me up crying, saying she doesn't know where her life is going and that she's tired of trying to please everyone else and that she has no support system. I told her she can always stay here. Well, now she's taking me up on it...haha. My son and daughter are so excited...
Well, actually I'm glad. She is willing to get help. I called our center that helps young women who have suffered sexual abuse. She is a classic behavioral picture of a young adult who was sexually assaulted. Because of her past, she can get good services for free--they will offer counseling, help her get Medical Assistance and a job and even housing if shes chooses to live up here.
My problem: We get along GREAT now that we aren't in the same house. We have a small house with two younger kids. I don't know how it's going to go. I want her to finally get some help because her past is destroying her life, and I know she can access services better here than in the state she is coming from, especially since her boyfriend is "iffy" and her father doesn't have any understanding of abuse (doesn't even believe it happened). Or thinks it "doesn't matter now and she should just move on." Um, right.
I'm not afraid she'll misbehave. I'm afraid...I"m not s ure what I'm afraid of. She I guess it's just a vent. I feel like this could really help her. She is aware that her life is out of control and acknowledges that part of it could be from the abuse, and desperately wants the support of someone "not in the family" to help her. Just venting, I guess.

 

[witzend]

Is it maybe just fear of the unknown? You haven't lived with her for a long time, and circumstances were very different then. It's easier to know that they have changed for the better when they aren't right under our noses. Having them live with us is more difficult, because we can find ourselves reading all types of things into the smallest action or word.

Stick with your decision, and try to not jump to conclusions. Your relationship with her is a marathon, not a sprint. Let it happen for a little while, and see what comes of it.

{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Nomad]

I think this is a classic case where you see she needs additional help and want to be of help...however you sense considerable possibilities for stress and know in your heart that you are entitled to peace and quiet. I think it is good that your daughter wants to get help and that there are avenues available to her in your area; including those that will help her find a job. What you might do is tell her that you would like to offer your home for ___ amount of months and that you are confident that she wiill be working steady at a job by then. After that, you will help with a down payment for an apartment nearby. Your role is to help her, not to enable her. Having her in your home for an indefinate period of time could change your relationship. Having her nearby, would likely keep the relationship on more of an adult level. I would "keep your 'eye on the prize'" and that is, if I'm reading this right, to build up her strengths...but then keep a healthy and loving distance.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks guys.
Nomad, that is good advice, although it would be hard for us to even help her with a downpayment...I am thinking of low income apartments here in our neighborhood. They are VERY reasonable and VERY nice--not at all like in the cities.
I hope she stays long enough to straighten out her chaotic thinking and get on track with her issues. It would be wonderful to have her living nearby, but right now she needs a little help. She can get it from me...for a little while NOT forver.

 

[Star*]

I think of every new room mate as a game I've never played in my own house. Like Monopoly, if you make up the rules as you go or don't have them written down? People are going to get angry.

If you discuss and write out rules that everyone understands and reads, and agrees to - when you pass GO you KNOW you get $200.

Set up and write out some rules and stick to them - you also need consequences, and rewards.....doesn't matter if she's 5 or 50 - rules rule.

 

[everywoman]

Its tough to have an adult child move back home after being out on their own for a while. You and she need to sit down, go over the house rules, make sure you both agree, and have a timeline for when she will expect to be able to leave. Good luck. It sounds like she needs you right now, and it will be good to be able to live with her sober.

 

[Nomad]

I misspoke...I meant first and last month rent kind of thing...the extra money that might be required when you first move into an apartment. I agree about setting up ground rules before she moves in...in addition to establishing a goal for when she will find an apartment of her own. I wouldn't do this in a mean spirited way, but in a loving, helpful way. After all, the bottom line is that she figures out how to make it as an independent soul in this world. Low cost housing is fine..a roommate is fine...it's all good. Sounds like you are formulating a healthy, workable, plan.

 

[Suz]

I agree with what's been said and suggested. A guidebook to living together is probably a must since our difficult children don't usually understand the niceties without having them spelled out. It would be ideal to have them ironed out before she arrived to make sure you can both live with what's expected.

A "move out goal date" is imperative for both of you. It gives her a goal and you the ability to have a countdown if things get tough . It can be a reasonable date, depending upon when her services will kick in and if she is tolerable to live with.

I think the biggest challenge I'd have if Rob ever moved back in is falling back into old patterns. It's sooooooooo easy for them to regress around Mom and Dad and so easy for us to rediscover those old responses we had when they were at their worst.

Good luck!

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

You also should keep in mind that if she's going to be in therapy for the abuse, as she works thru things she may become a difficult child again from time to time.

Those old emotions are fresh when they come back to the surface, and they can be overwhelming at times as she goes thru the process. But it is definately worth it in the long run.

I'm proud of difficult child for being brave enough to deal with this. It takes courage. But she'll be a new person when she's finished.

(((hugs)))