Should I confront my son??

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Nov 3, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I haven't posted in a long time and it's not because everything has been peachy because it hasn't, just been busy. My son has stopped getting his Vivitrol injection, says he doesn't need it anymore. He is completely avoiding us (his family) , I never talk to him period, won't answer my calls , never calls me, occasionally text me sometimes days after Ive texted him and I pay for the phone by the way. I saw him on his birthday over a month ago for about a 2 hour dinner. He looked bad again and then during dinner I look over and he's profusely sweating and it wasn't hot at all. I'm thinking withdrawal.
    He truly thinks that he has us fooled that he's not using again, I'll remind you guys that I did an intervention, he went to rehab, totally blames me for his drug use that I kept accusing him so he just started using, still has never admitted he had a problem, says he only went to rehab to get us off his back. Denial at its finest! Anyway no one has said anything to him, confronted him at all because honestly we never see him so we don't know for sure.
    So this happens yesterday, he ask my mom to order them a pizza and she does then his girlfriend post a picture of her hand holding a marjuana joint on Instagram with the hashtag humpdaze. She doesn't know I can see her Instagram. I was just going to let it go but as the day goes on I'm so mad. I also let my mom know that she basically bought them a joint. How dare him ask my mom to pay for anything then she post that. I'll also remind you that I had a huge disagreement when she posted a picture of my son on Facebook with a joint hanging out his mouth and I nicely ask her to remove it, she refused. My question is do I confront him or do I just go on acting like I think he's drug free?? It will be pure hell if I do and he will say this is why I don't talk to you, always drama with you. Opinions???
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is there a point?

    Talking to a drug addict is like trying to have a discussion with a lying machine.

    I would say nothing except that he is old enough to work and pay his own bills and totally cut out paying for anything. Your mom may have bought him drugs, but his cell phone allows him access to drug users, sellers and junkies and if you pay for the phone, you are making it easy for him to contact his cohorts. Mom is doing what you are...enabling him, even though he is obviously not appreciative or in a good place.

    Interventions only work if the user wants to quit.

    I would stop reading FBor instagram. I always think FB is used by them to hurt us. Why hurt yourself? Why play the game?

    So my summary is confronting will just lead to his over the top drama, abuse and denial. But I'd totally cut off the Bank of Mom. Every dime you give him will help him use drugs in some way. No need to discuss anything. Text him that he is old enough to pay his own bills so you won't be doing that anymore. You can add that your own finances are tight but keep it short

    Sorry for all the drama and heartache this brings. Do something nice for yourself and learn to detach from son's non-stop chaos. It is his chaos, yours.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 3, 2016
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with SWOT. It is time to let him manage his own life. If he is using, and I think he is, it will fall apart quickly if you stop helping him financially.

    I know that you can't stop your mother from helping him but you can try to explain to her that anything she gives him or buys for him is being spent on drugs.

    It is time to pull back and I would limit contact for a while. I had to take breaks from my daughter during the times that she was using. I blocked her calls and texts and deleted emails without reading them. It was the only way I could get any peace.

    Posters always said that you would know that you loved one had stopped using because they would be different people when they did. I never knew what they meant until my daughter did stop. I can't believe the difference in her. She is so loving and giving now and really works at repairing the damage she did to the rest of us.

    Therapy was also a lifeline for me. It taught me how to set firm boundaries and gave me someone to bounce ideas off of. My therapist helped me realize that I couldn't stop my daughter from using drugs and that I could only change my own enabling behavior.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
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    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others, explain to your mom, even show her the picture... If she fees too guilty, tell her to buy a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter.

    Don't pay for the phone...its your money that they are using to post drug pictures of. I don't know if his girlfriend has a phone or not... So maybe it won't help too much, but at least you won't be paying for it.

    So sorry you are dealing with all this... KSM
     
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  5. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Worried. I am so sorry for your pain. I believe you've gotten good advice here and I know how hard it is to detach.
    We have the same relationship with our 29 y.o. son-rare contact for the last 8 mo. since he was made to leave our home due to drug use. That is alright and has to be for my sanity. We now text him every 4 wks. or so and take homemade dinner to him (he lives in apartment with ex girlfriend and friends 20 min. from us).
    The phone was the last thing we quit helping pay for and I worried about how he would contact us if needed. But no problem, he got a "government" phone, occasional trac phone or borrows. We stopped social media, I do miss it with our other children and family but the pain was too great. I also realized that for me, checking up on his life on FB was no different than tossing his room for drugs in the past. A painful way to simply reinforce what I already knew. Why put myself through that again?
    When we see him on our 15 min. visits he looks ok, we have long ago realized we can't possibly KNOW if he's still using. We assume he is whenever he has $ to do so. It just plays in our heads, it really doesn't matter at this point because all the words have been said over and over.
    He knows beyond a doubt that we want better for him, we know beyond a doubt that HE must want better for him. There is a freedom I couldn't have thought possible just to have stopped the money trail. I knew in my heart our paying his way just helped him buy drugs and that was the only thought that touched my broken heart last winter. It was the only fact that kept me from rescuing when he lived in flophouse with no heat, no electric, no water, other users. I was just so afraid that if we didn't help, he'd get worse.
    Know what? He's not worse-he's not better- but we are so much better. Stepping out of his drama cycle has saved us. I pray everyday that he will save him.
    Here's hoping you can find the strength to step back. I get it. Prayers.
     
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    WSM

    So sorry to hear this. I agree that you should cut him off completely financially and otherwise for a while. He has his girlfriend so he's not alone. I wouldn't pretend anything. You know he's using based on how he looks and acts. Moms know.

    I know all about them not wanting help or being in denial. My son didn't use heroin but he may as well have as his life has been a mess for five years by his on and off drug use. I ran around like a chicken trying to FIX HIM.

    When I stopped talking to him COMPLETELY for a month and we let him be homeless for a few weeks is when I saw him starting to TRY to help himself for the first time ever. It sucks and it was so hard but somehow we did it. If he goes back to his old ways, we will do it again. We have a long way to go.

    Hugs and we are here for you!!
    :notalone::staystrong:
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I hate hearing this...he just didn't buy what they were selling. He has to want help or change for himself.

    I see that now..our son is home, if he's wanted drugs..bet he could get them. Yes, sounds like he was withdrawing.

    Cut him off, tell him when's he ready...you will help him get help. He denies it? Drug test him...or no money.

    Girl is not helping him.

    Hugs for your heart....we get it
     
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  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Well I have followed everyone's advice and haven't said anything to my son. What I haven't followed is cutting off the phone, I don't know why I just can't do it. I feel like it's my lifeline even though he doesn't use it to communicate with me. I have this fear that he will overdose and there won't be a phone to call 911 also. I know probably crazy but when you're the mother of a possible heroin addict you live in constant fear. There's an overdose epidemic right now in my state of heroin and fentanyl mix so it's so scary. The only thing I'm providing now is the phone and health insurance so I've actually come a long way.
    Thanks for all the advice, maybe I'll get there someday on the phone, I do feel I get a little stronger everyday.
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Our son overdosed with the fentanyl heroine mix. He could never have called...he is with people...that's important. I get the phone thing...at least he can call if needed.....

    Hugs....this journey is hard..your not alone
     
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  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is also using the phone to call his heroin dealer.
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That was my point. If he overdoses, he is unlikely to be able to call for help. Someone else usually does.

    That phone is used mostly for setting up drug deals. There is only one reason he won't take the injection anymore. He's using heroin by choice and willfully refusing the injection that stops him.I wouldn't give him a penny for anything.

    The girl is no help at all. Birds of a feather. Maybe she's the one who convinced him to stop the injections....Im really very sad for you and so sorry.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 6, 2016
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You have to be clean to get the injection. It also blocks alcohol.

    Phone or not...they will get what they need.

    If he wakes up one day...he then can call for help...do what makes you feel better.
     
  13. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    The safest bet is to assume every word from an active drug addict is a lie until proven otherwise. That might seem kind of harsh or unfair, but we certainly earn it. With just about every other person in life, you can mostly just assume things they tell you are true. If an addict tells you he ate at KFC for lunch, he probably ate at McDonald's.

    We get SO used to lying, and weaving our little webs that we begin to lie about mundane, unimportant, and/or irrelevant :censored2:. Despite there being absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. You become a better liar by practice. So we lie about just about anything and everything. To hone our skills.

    If he relies on you and the family financially, make that aid dependent on him passing a urine test. Something that shouldn't bother him if he is truly clean. It'll be like he literally pisses money. Which sounds painful...
     
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